The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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is to want to believe my AH when every week or two he says, he's sick and tired of being sick and tired, he needs help, he has to stop, etc. How do I have faith in him, keep the hope but then not completely be fooled by this disease and the promises? He's not a bad guy, he's just very sick and getting sicker. Our marriage has been going downhill and cannot be repaired unless he stops. I want to try and he wants me to hang in there while he's "going through something". Right now I'm living a day at a time, and when I started keeping the focus on myself (and my 2 young kids) I realized right now I cannot raise them alone and I do need him, at least for now but this can't last much longer.
He's been in and out of the program, but never had more than 20 months in AA (that's 3 years ago now), and he's had long periods of being dry both before I knew him and since I met him. Most recently he's been drinking for about 4 months, from what I see it's progressing. Last year he only had 3-4 months in AA at a time, but now he's even starting to reject AA (I know that is the disease talking). His pattern now is by Friday he says he wants to stop, he may make it through the weekend without a drink and spend it with us doing family things and behaving like a "normal" family. But then by Monday when he's out there working he's back to square 1. He is not in denial about being an alcoholic, he just can't stop from taking the 1st drink.
I used to be so relieved when he said he wanted to stop, and the nights that he went to a mtg in between drinking, but that was my codependency. I've made some progress where I have no expectations and I can detach a bit more from his unmanageable life. I want to be this person who "detatches with love" but it's still extremely hard to not get angry and resentful. I want to jump in and ask him "are you going to a meeting today, how much did you drink, etc." But I know the first step and I totally accept and am aware that I am powerless. I let the thoughts come in and out without (usually) saying a word now. One thing I do control is the finances, he can spend a few hundred a month on drinking, and we have 2 small kids and I'm not working, so I feel that I have a right to do that at least for now and to me this is keeping the focus on myself.
Anyone have an ESH to share about supporting someone who is struggling so bad, wants to stop and can't?
Your husband has admitted he has the disease, that's something he can't take back.
I was married to an alcoholic for 7yrs and he never admitted he had the disease. I divorced my husband, who died just last year from the disease.
My husband left me, because I wasn't strong enough back then. I was left to bring up my son and daughter on my own, which I never thought I would be able to do, but I did.
I do hope you and your husband stay together if that's what you both want, and you both work at it.
There are no easy solutions for any of us who are in that position, and really I suppose that's why we are all here, supporting each other as best we can.
It might be easiest for you if you just accept that this is the way it is going to be, for the foreseeable future. Don't even keep real recovery on your radar - just assume that he will go on this way, picking up a few sober days here and there, but always going back out.
Then, make your choices. Can you live with this, by using alanon tools, going to meetings to get yourself some support, keeping the focus on yourself? Do you WANT to? If you don't know, are not sure if you can leave him, not sure if you can stay, try getting into the program for 6 months, see how you feel then.
For myself, I found that when I gave up on his drinking, and stopped thinking about it (he was not abusive at this time) it was really pretty much OK. When he finally reached his own bottom it has nothing to do with me, and came as a bit of a surprise, to be honest. It wasn't the marriage that I had envisioned, maybe, but it was mostly all right -and really, that's about all we can expect when married to an A. Anyone expecting life with an A to be a romance novel needs to take areality pill, anyway.
Thanks for your replies, I have been going to f2f meetings for the last year or so, and when they say 6-9 months before making any major changes, I don't where to begin to figure out if it's been that long for me. My AH's back and forth has influenced my own recovery, I realize now that I can't let it, but I was making progress in a different way when he was in program, and then when he's not I felt like I had to start all over.
So, maybe it hasn't been a full 9 months since I've really been applying the program in everything that I do. But, this is no way for me to continue to live, he's not a husband or at least the one that I want. I want a partner to grow with I'm sure I can't live like this much longer, but I need him for practical everyday stuff, support with raising the kids right now. I'm guilty of coping by "using" him in the ways that I need to (just regular stuff that has to get done, he will do some of it and his guilt will sometimes make him do even more). I am able to go out several nights a week to my therapist, meetings, night out with friends b/c he is here, he's my babysitter (although there are times where I'm totally comfortable leaving him with the kids).
Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Knows he has a problem, knows he needs help, can't seem to get himself to get it. I spent countless nights listening to mine drunkenly ramble on and on about how he was ruining everything. It's hard, I know. It sounds like you have accepted his alcoholism and your own powerlessness over it. That's great, it means you won't be making yourself crazy trying to get him to stop. It is still hard not to get angry..... very hard, especially when you hear them go on and on and want to scream at them to shut the *** up and get some help already!!!!
From reading your post, it sounds like you are doing pretty good. Keep it up and God bless,
I have learned that we don't listen to their words, we watch their feet.
In other words, talk is cheap, action speaks louder than words. If you've given him 6 to 9 months and there's been no change, that's your answer. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
"If I am not for me, who will be? If not now, when."
As the child "adult" of an alcoholic I was so frustrated that my mother chose to continue to live and thus affect us, her children, with an A who made one broken promise after the other. She did not have the courage to change, and as a result, here I am. Ironically enough, my father left my mother after 33 years of her putting up with his drinking, verbal and emotional abuse. I can't go back and change my past, but I sure wished she had had the courage to change.
I hope this helps. It's just my ESH and said with love in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
In my experience I took the wise words of someone here to heart, "watch their actions, not their words". This puts me in a position of "standby", not in a position of nail biting hope...and angst when my hopes were squashed again. As far as faith? I didn't have much that he would get sober, but I had hope and held on to it. I learned to have faith in myself. Faith that no matter what happened I would be OK. Faith that I wouldn't allow him to drag me down with him. That I will continue to be the strongest and best person I can be for me and for my family. I took control where I could and let go of the comments toward him that got us both no where. When he would say he was going to stop, he truly meant it at that time. I woudn'lt say "yeah right! I've heard that before"..I'd say "that'd be wonderful, I hope you find a way". Then I'd just forget he said it. If he did try, it was his journey. I had a hard enough time staying on my own journey, focusing on my goals and needs. You said he's sober some weekends..appreciate those and be grateful. Enjoy him and those weekends while you can. You said he wants you to "hang in there". When my husband said that, I think he meant that he wanted reassurance that I wouldn't leave. I couldn't give him that. By doing so I felt I was enabling him to continue drinking without worry. I was honest, I said I love you, but if this continues with no change I can't make any promises of staying. I know right now this is not what I want in my life. When we start standing up for ourselves (not against them) and make clear statements and choices, with a clear goal in mind it sometimes causes them pause so they take a harder look at themselves.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
