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I broke my step-daughter's heart yesterday. Her mother called her on Valentine's Day. This is the first time she has called her in a year. We saw her after Christmas, but haven't heard from her since--even though she is living with other step-daughter and has supposedly been sober--so after 1 and 1/2 months she calls and says she wants my step-daughter to come visit her. She didn't talk to me about it or my husband, but puts the question to my step-daughter, knowing that we won't let her go. The mom refuses to go to meetings and works from midnight to 8:00 am at some arcade/video poker place. There is no telling who will be around and what will happen if we let her go. My step-daughter just cried, bless her heart she tried to be so strong, she tried to not let me see it, but that lip just went to quivering. I tried to explain why, but who cares really--it just sucks and is so unfair to her!!!! Shoot it unfair to me too!!! I wouldn't understand if I was her and some other "mom" was telling me I couldn't see my mom. I am angry at the mom for putting me in this position!! She knew I would say no, she knew I would be the "bad guy". I have pretty much had her for 5 years, in that time she hasn't called her on her birthdays, or Christmas-except maybe 2 of them, she disappeared for over a year completely without anyone knowing where she was. You know the kids don't see that, that see someone else trying to keep them away. She can do know wrong. I am sure that I would be the same way if I were a kid, but it is so sad!!!!!!!
I'm really just not sure what to do. She lives about an hour away--which means that meeting isn't an impossibility, but before when she saw her, she really acted out when she came back. She was around about 2 years ago and I let her go then, mom would tell her "I love my sneaky, bad girl." So my step-daughter wanted to be loved by mom, so when she came home she was extra sneaky and always lying. I am just scared especially with the teen years coming up soon that no matter what I do, it isn't going to be the right choice. I know I can't let it overwhelm me like this, because that isn't going to help, just seems extra scary right now.
I have a daughter with a dad like this and I had a stepson with a mother like this. Therapy worked wonders for both. We worked a lot on closure with one of them. One of the things I had to do was remind both children that they were loved by us, and fed every day, had clothes, and a nice warm bed.....etc. I was told not to say things like "I am sure your mom loves you or misses you....or wants to be with you" I was told it put them in a fantasy land so to speak. Point is, the therapy helped both of the kids get through it. They seem to be doing very well. Ziggy
Step-parenting is a really tough job, especially when the one of the parents is unable to be or refuses to be a cooperative partner in the parenting experience.
Is your step-daughter involved in Alateen? sounds like she might could benefit from that program or some other counseling programs.
Don't know if this will help but I have a daughter that is now 24 yrs old - she dealt with similiar situations/feelings concerning her biological father as a pre-teen & teenager. Always angry at me because he wasn't a part of her life, always a no-show for special events, tons of broken promises, etc. She couldn't blame him - it was always my fault. She took her anger out on me.
Recently she & I were having a conversation - I had the opportunity to make an amends to her. During that period of her life, she had the chance to attend some Alateen meetings, but I didn't let her go. I wasn't in a program of recovery, still trying to keep everything a secret. I made my amends - told her that I know now that she could have gotten help in dealing with the pain she felt about her biological father & step-dad. She accepted my amends & made one for her behaviors toward me - admitted it was easier to blame me than to tarnish the image of a perfect father she had imagined would one day rescue her. It was very healing for both of us.
Hopefully your daughter will one day understand the whole situation.
Hate so much when the young ones are hurt by this disease.
Peace my friend, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
If the teen years are coming up, she is old enough for you to talk to her with some kind of honesty. I have found it to be quite useful, with my kids, to lay out my thoughts on a subject, explain my misgivings, and my limitations, and then ask "So, honestly, if you were me, what would you do?" Of course, this doesn't work when feelings are running high, but once everyone has calmed down you could say "We'd like you to ba able to see your mom, but here are our concerns...... maybe we can work out some kind of compromise so everyone gets some of what they want"
Thanks everyone for the support and feedback. There is no alateen here, but the counseling is probably a very good idea. My son goes to one to help with his Asperger's and I really like him, I may ask if he would see her too--I'm sure he will.
I never thought how saying that the mom does love her would put them into a "fantasy land", that makes sense though. I am still giving her something to cling to I suppose.
I am a stepmom of a little boy who has severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and we have had years of dealings with his biological mother. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own alcohol/drug use that is was the cause of his severe and permanenet disabilities (all of which were preventable).
We spent years in and out of court until we were awarded sole custody, but during much of that time we were ordered to send him to his mother for visits. We were eventually able to do supervised visits to minimize the damage that was being done during their time together. We would meet in a public place (i.e. McDonald's) and never told my stepson when she was expected to meet us, since she frequently would not show up, but it allowed them to spend time together and for us to monitor their interaction.
Your stepdaughter will eventually be able to decide whether or not her mother has a place in her life, but until then you can probably figure out a way for them to spend some time together with minimal damage and keeping you from being the "bad guy".
Just some food for thought, I know how tough it is being the mother without getting the satisfaction of being called "Mommy". BTW, my stepson started calling me his "Mom" two years ago and it made all my hard work worth it.
Dawn... I'm so sorry you have this crud in your life. I do think "Evey" is on to something -- as in, you telling your step-daughter that she can't see her mom may not be the best situation. You DO have the ability to sit down and speak with your step-daughter and explain your feelings. Kids really are perceptive, and you can certainly give her love and understanding, along with your experience in not getting hopes up too much, as they could lead to disappointment.
maybe ask your daughter what kind of setting she would like to see her mother?
anyway, i don't envy your situation much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You did what you had to do and that was protecting her. Parenting is not an easy job regardless if you are step parent, a granparent or anything else in between. She may not like the decision you made right now, but some day she will come to understand it and thank you. Hang in there you're doing the best you can right now, that's all we can do.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
