Hi everyone,

Thought I would share a little esh (experience, strength and hope) that I've found.  Two years ago, on Valentine's day I hit a bottom.  (a few more bottoms would occur until I found my way)  My husband and I had recently added our second child, we moved to a new location, he had a new job, we really didn't know many people yet and had NO support system.  We hit a spiritual low.  I wanted him to change, he wanted me to change.  I'll compare the tug of rope senario.  I didn't want to be in a tug of war with him.  Yet I would hold the rope and wait until I felt the slightest tug, then I would attack, I would pull the rope harder, than it would go back and forth, until we were in a huge battle of who was stonger, or who could hurt the other one more.  It was a very 'sick' situation.  Finally we could only handle so much of that.  We had been married 6 years and did alot of moving, with alot of financial hardship, emotional struggles ect.  We had lived in a different county where we couldn't speak the language, so on and so forth.  

It was hard, we had no tools to work with and we were both done.  I wasn't going to change, or couldn't change and neither was he.  I really felt like we brought the worst of each other out.  We tried counseling, that only stressed us out more (financially).   We went to visit his mother over the summer one weekend and it turned into a HUGE DISASTER.  She later lovingly set a boundary with us and told us she could not be around the two of us anymore, that it brought back too many of her own childhood issues and that it was not a healthy environment.  

So we decided that we should seperate, I called an attorney, he was loving and said that he was very sad that I needed to call him, but that he would give me legal advice if I needed it.  I was broken hearted, so was my husband.  We both always loved each other, the way we knew how.   I did not want my two very young children to grow up in such a hostile environment, yet I didn't want them to be torn apart emotionally.

So that's when I found Al-anon.  Growing up with the disease, never knowing how much it affected me, growing up with alot of fear, shame, anger (which turned to rage), and despair, I never knew any different.  I sought out abusive relationships because they were familiar to me, I allowed people to disrespect me because I did not know how to respect myself.  I wanted the other person the change, not realizing that I could change.  The first concept I learned was that A+B=C.  If A changes, but B stays the same, C changes.  Sometimes the C is not what we envisioned in our minds, but nonetheless it's still a different outcome.  

I started to take a very hard look at myself.  When I got angry and wanted to slam a door, I realized that I had a choice.  I could see that if I slam this door it will terrify my children, enrage my husband and I will feel bad for loosing my 'cool'.  So I learn HALT, never get too Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Rather than slamming doors, I picked up a book, or just breathed, counted, whatever.  I took control and I didn't allow myself to react.  

Well after a few months of this, A was changing and B wasn't too sure what to do.  He would try to engage me, and sometimes I did (I'm far from perfect)  But slowly I changed and slowly C started to transform.  It took probably a year before B started to realize that I was not going back to the old A.  And then the funny thing is, he started to change!  Wow, I didn't expect that.  I set boundaries, he set boundaries, we both started to respect each other.  Now of course we get into our tifts, but for the most part we enjoy each other's company.  We had the most wonderful Valentines' Day last night, there were times that I could have ruined it, it's wasn't perfect, but it was actually probably the best Valentine's we've ever had.  And He's actually pretty funny, who knew! 

I will celebrate my 2 years in May!