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level.
Yesterday was a great day for me. I was just in such a positive mood and mental place. Just glad to be alive and glad that all those wonderful goals and things I've set out to do will eventually come to fruition. I planned a nice dinner for AH last night, sent the kids to the grandparents, I really looked forward to having a nice quiet dinner with my honey. Everything was going so well, until he said he was going out for a pack of cigarette's. He took a while and I thought well maybe he's buying me something special. He came back with a bottle of wine. I asked are you going to drink that? He said yes, it would take the "edge" off of his withdrawels from pot.
What could I say, no don't drink it? Pour it out? That would be controlling, besides it would have also started a fight and he would have left the house and drank anyway. So, he drank the wine, had 4 or 5 glasses of it, and the behaviors started coming out. He got sick to his stomach, that was the first thing. Then his energy level picked up and he went into overdrive. We were on the way to pick up the kids and he said, well I guess it reared its ugly head. He said for a minute there his stomach stopped hurting and the thought that popped in his head, was "Cool lets drink some more". It seemed on some level he understood how crazy that sounded. The part that ticked me off was when we got home, he jumped on the phone and called a friend and went out. Said he had to go and get something, really he just went to the friends house to get stoned.
I did express my disappointment and anger on that because I'd worked really hard to put that night together and it was disrespectful to leave me there. Eventually i got over it, my understanding that this is what addicts do, once he gets started he just can't seem to stop until he's an oblivion. He sufferred through the night with stomach cramps and running to the bathroom. At one point he asked if I was giving him pills to cause this reaction. I said no, maybe its your body telling you that it doesn't want alcohol in there anymore. He came home and apologized for walking out on me, but the truth is his addiction got the better of him. I just put on some positive t.v. programming and drifted off to sleep.
It's sad to see him struggle like this. He has enormous talent, dreams, and when he's sober ambitions. This disease has done enough damage to his self-esteem, his body, and mental attitude. I had to really check myself last night, justified to get angry? Sure.... I guess I just understand now that when my AH is under the influence its all about him, to go one step further, I don't think he ever possessed the skill of putting others before himself or how to show appreciation for another person. People are like commodities, use them up and move on to the next person. In my resolve I think its best that if I put that much energy into making a night special it will be with intentions of my pleasure much more than his. I don't think I'll be planning anything like that for a while. I enjoyed the dish I made and enjoyed the peace and quiet, so not all was lost. Just too bad that he gave into the craving for alcohol. I can tell he feels like crap about it today.
Wishing everyone a blessed day and evening, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hate so much to hear about your A's relapse & that you had to suffer thru this last night. But very glad that you didn't relapse into "our old behaviors" - sounds like you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself.
Please continue your self care - Will keep both of you in my thoughts & prayers.
Hope your evening is filled with serenity, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am proud of you for the positive way you handled last night. Congrats on that.
Let me tell you the last time my husband disappointed me on a special evening like that. Now there have been so many disappointments in our relationship, so many dinners made where he was a "No Show" but this one in particular sticks out.
I had gotten an all night sitter for our son (daughter had not been born yet). I ordered up some yummy big salads w/crispy chicken from a local restaurant for take out. I set up the table w/a new fancy table clothe, candles, my GOOD china & silver, wine glasses, a favorite bottle of white wine, chocolate dipped strawberries and a dessert. I put on a long slinky dress and fixed myself all up, hair, nails, make-up. He knew I had planned something special for us b/c we had talked earlier in the day. Well, he went out drinking before coming home to kill some time so I had enough time to get everything set up. When he got there over an hour late, he was drunk. He sat half in his chair, nibbled at his salad (didn't even take off his coat) and complained that he didn't like chocolate covered strawberries and wasn't that hungry. He didn't even notice what I was wearing or even acknowledge all that I had done for the evening, the money I had spent on a night of romance, ruined. He ended up leaving to go party w/his friends 15 or 20 minutes after getting there. I cried and cried, drank that bottle of wine & ate my yummy strawberries & salad. I threw myself a pity party and vowed to NEVER go through that much work for a special night w/him again. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER HAVE. Hell for the last few years, I have celebrated our wedding anniversary w/my kids and parents & NO HUSBAND. LOL. One year, my grandma was in town and she met me for my anniversary dinner. Pretty sad huh?
So pat yourself on the back for the great way you handled the evening. I am proud of you. Sincerely, QOD
You did real good. I know what rolls through your mind. Last wednesday, Son and I picked up my AW and took her out to diner. She didn't drink. She invited us to stay at her place and she didn't drink.
Friday we went to a sporting event and she smiled at me and said she was going to grab a beer at the concession stand and would be right back. "That ok?"
Of course I am thinking... hell no, that's not ok. You know that is the reason we are not living together. You can't even fake it for a couple of hours? I just said "hey.... that's up to you."
Hang in there, this is but a tiny slice of the rest of your life. (If I say that over and over to myself I start to believe it... LOL)
You guys are always in my prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm sorry to hear that happened. It never ceases to amaze me how much we have to work on restraining ourselves or re-focusing our attention off them, and like rtexas kind of said -can't they even fake it? Just for a little while? It's an un-stopable force. We have to live like them and just live for ourselves. They are too caught up in themselves/the alcohol to appreciate any effort we go to. If they want to join in on our good time or good dinner then fine. I don't go out of my way for my A anymore. Sometimes I think the beer is his best friend and the weed his nurse. The beer will never give him a hard time, beer doesn't need foreplay or conversation, it will always deliver.
I am so sorry to hear this. I think you handled it very well though. I know the hurt and disappointment override everything at a time like this, but you were strong for yourself and your own recovery. And you should be proud of this. The pain of growth is hard to understand at times. There is no more I can add about how awful situation and the authoricities of this disease. It has all been said. I have certainly been where you are, too often. All I can offer you is support. You are both in my prayers. AM
I asked are you going to drink that? He said yes, it would take the "edge" off of his withdrawels from pot. 
