The material presented
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level.
don't know how else to put it. Moved into my bunkhouse. new tenants are great.
Mom, my adoptive mom died Jan 16,07 as some of you know. I still have not snapped back, in fact I am worse.
probably the moving. It is horribly lonely with out her. My old animals are dieing one by one. One day 3 in the same day.
My bunkroom is stuffed but very comfy. I love it. When it is nicer and my money is ok again I will add on.
My son and wife are having problems as usual. I called him to see if I could wash some cloths there and take a shower. I don't have that part done yet.
He was upset and harried and said mom I don't have time to worry about showers and wash.
so I said ok bye.
Not like i did not provide him a HOME all his life. course in my state of emotions, it threw me down a bit further.
As I work myself to the bone literally, I keep flashing a rage at the A. I feel like he took away my soul. Or the disease did. I keep thinking I am dieing and I don't know why. will probably live past 100 like my gma did.
How can a disease affect the other person so horribly? I guess if someone comes here wondering if they should marry someone who is A, I want to say, well if you do, you will have a horrible disease by proxy. There is no escaping it.
Please know this is not a complaint. I have so much to be thankful for. fight hard for it too.
But a nursing home sounds nice in a way. If I could have my animals.
wish it did not hurt so much. him with his disease living off of another person who has cancer. has all the conveniences, has no bills, has zero.
I know he is tortured too. at this point, I don't care anymore. I find it sad he is here at all. I read some of his papers from the last rehab. He worked so hard, he knows many truths. So sad to have lost it all.
All I know for sure is it is friends who have kept me going. You guys here, and the ones on my animal lists and the few I have face to face.
they make sure I have internet access, movies as no feed right now. soon as my tenants are in the end of the month the tv is back on. It is and will be ok. It is all a process. My home is a project. I like building myself.
seeing the two horses running and playing in the 5 acres across the road makes me happy. trying to fix a fence with a pygmy goat, tucker coming up between my legs makes me laugh....becuz on his backing out his horns got stuck in my shirt and pulled me all over.....
I don't know why I feel my life is finished. I know a lot is not being needed by anyone face to face. my mother was like that too.
Well today I am building a pig barn for all so I gotta get busy.
one day at a time. give it up, surrender. change whatcha can, love,debilyn
Just want you to know I can relate, to everything. It's only been 2 wks since mom has passed and I have those who assume I should be okay. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. It comes in waves. I've just decided to let it take it's course, not tell myself that I should be okay by a certian point in time. I just miss her....you know what I mean.
I wanted to let you know that I think you are an incredible person. I love you ! When life is so difficult it is so easy to put all our anger on the A. If they'd only have acted right. Supported us thru the hard times, been there etc. I really understand. I could have made my A burst into flames with just a glance because my pain was so real that just the thought of it gave me some relief. Crazy I know. Pain is strange emotion -- makes you feel and think in ways we wouldn't otherwise think.
Don't know how much this helped. I just wanted you to know that I really do understand. It's just one foot infront of the other right now, there will be better days. It helps me to keep my mind on the coming of spring.
I hate so much that you are experiencing this time of pain & loss - please remember that no matter how many days, weeks, months or years - there is no time limit on the healing that we will need for the loss of a loved one. No set dead lines for grief. It's not like a gallon of milk that expires on a certain date. You take all the time you need to feel those emotions (Lunamoth - please do the same - as far as what anyone else tells you - forget those "earth" people - what do they know??)
I know that I would greatly miss you if you didn't post with us, Debilyn. I know that you have to take time for yourself - that I understand. But your life over? I hope not. Your post, your description of your wonderful animal friends - my imagination takes me to a wonderful farm - a magical place - like Zuckerman's Farm in "Charlotte's Web" and you are our very own Beautiful Doctor Doolittle or maybe our all knowing Mother Nature - Sharing your wonderful love & good natured heart with all those wonderful animals. It's like reading your favorite "Little House on the Prairie" book at the library over & over again. It's a story filled with love, hope, humor, compassion and care. It's life. And it's a beautiful way to share your life with us.
So, I hope that the pain you are feeling right now, will be lessened soon. I send prayers & good thoughts that you will know truly how special you are & that I am very grateful you are here.
Peace to you my very own "Mother Nature", Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so sorry for your loss. I do know when I keep busy it helps. At the same time I have to grieve and I definitely do that better around other people. For me there is so much loss around my parents because they were so abusive and mean to the end. I have very very few fond memories. The one good thing my parents gave me was a love of animals.
I have a few feral cats and if one moves on to other territory I miss them greatly. I cannot imagine having animals die. I have not had to deal with that for a while but as my pets age and slow down I know its coming. I hope I can prepare because sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me going and who I feel love tangibly from.
I hope you are going to keep reaching out for support and understanding and care you deserve it.
Oh (Debilyn))) I didn’t know your mom had gone. Well you aren’t going to feel right for a while, no matter what. Then you will. I know you have experience with such a loss, and you know you’ll return to OK while always missing her.
You do such a good job of taking care of yourself. I see it in your notes to us, how you make a home and keep it nice, and it’s for yourself. Don’t stop now – better days ahead.
I am sorry for all the loses you have recently had. I get a sense from your posts that you are a strong woman and I want you to know you are an inspiration to me. You have shown me that no matter how bad things are we can....and do.....go on. I have 3 small children, 1 grown (still home ), 5 house pets and a home that needs some redecorating/remolding done to it. My A has been in recovery for nearly a year, but is still a little lax when it comes to helping around the house and with the children. I do much of the work around the house by myself and most everything for the children. On days I feel I just want to walk out the door because there just seems too much to do, I think about you and how much you do.......that despite everything you still get up and do "what's got to be done" lol. Then I feel better, knowing I can do it also. So I want to thank you for sharing your stories here with us.
Sorry to hear of your loss and I know the pain and grief you are feeling.. I lost my mother in June of 06 and there many days it tears me up inside. She was not only my mom, but my best friend. It is a day at a time. Have fun with your animals and give them lots of huggs. Take care ..god bless.
(((Debilyn))), When ever I think of you there is always the same thought that pops into my head. "When I got busy I got better." Our recvoery is a process, and we are not always going to be feeling that all is right with the world.
In all your shares you talk about what you are doing, the projects you are working on, the animals you are taking care of. You speak of how this helps you. You just always inspire me, and I so appreciate that. I need all the inspiration I can get these day s :).
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
It is striking how those resentments can "flash" and eat at us in an angry moment. I ask myself, "why haven't i let go of that already? or why did i just pick that back up, again?" I wish there were brightly colored "danger" tags on resentments when we get to 'stinkin thinkin'.
You are loved. Keep loving and feeling -- that's helped me to keep knowing I'm alive. cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Oh Debilynn...so sorry to hear you suffering. A loss like that can knock you down for some time...my prayers are with you and I hope you can find some strength and love in what remains. Just a sunrise is all I need sometimes...and that moment where I feel my spirits lighten as I let go....how I wish I could hold onto that moment throughout the day...but I try and remember that that one moment may be all I get that day. Hard to read you say your life is finished....parts of it are....but your life is not. I miss being online as much as I was...I feel out of touch with you all I first met here. Know I am thinking of you... Also glad to hear that you have moved into your barn...I picture a loft...so cozy. I love small spaces and am happy for your simplification. What a blessing to have wonderful new tenants. Give your self a big hug and know that this too shall pass. Love, Fifi
I wrote you all a long thank you post but it is not here...
All your words make me feel so much better. thank you. I also want to send love to you all who also have lost a mom.
My son called me and apologized and told me he had an important meeting and he was stressed. I need to not let his stuff bother me. I told him I was fine I did not let his stuff get to me.... would serve no purpose to tell him. I can only change me.
I chose to go forward, but all the pictures and stuff I have gone thru brought me down.
thank you, today was better. lost myself in a couple thrift stores.
Had nightmares of the A. Was with my son and he was little we were looking for A. found him living with some other woman with some scummy people. Just woke up and felt mad that the disease still steals in to my dreams.
), 5 house pets and a home that needs some redecorating/remolding done to it. My A has been in recovery for nearly a year, but is still a little lax when it comes to helping around the house and with the children. I do much of the work around the house by myself and most everything for the children. On days I feel I just want to walk out the door because there just seems too much to do, I think about you and how much you do.......that despite everything you still get up and do "what's got to be done" 
lol. Then I feel better, knowing I can do it also. So I want to thank you for sharing your stories here with us. 
