The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I got by what should have been my 9th wedding anniversary over the weekend. I helped my Mom and stepDad move back into the house, all fire restoration is complete, the unpacking will take a while yet. My room is there and waiting for me to make it mine, funny my Mom wants to start putting it together and I have been resistant. I was worried that I was hemming and hawing over unreleased fears of living with them BUT guess what ... I'm hemming and hawing because I do not know who I am yet. Decorate for myself? Only worry is what Sully slobber will mess up, no thinking of other people's color preferences or fabric choices or functions? Not that I was ever restricted but I made decisions based on two people's perference and needs, not to mention durability. I feel better understanding that.
I got by my meeting about going back to school without fainting in fear LOL The program has what I want, at least it can be made to work. It's many years and lots and lots of money, trying to take it down to small chunks in my head that feel less overwhelming. I'm excited about it. Old habits of worrying about money and time management are kicking in and I am trying to fight them off. If I believe in it and believe in myself I can do it, right? I would not feel this huge push from my HP if I wasn't meant to try.
I had a worry about Valentine's Day, getting by it I mean until I remembered I've just been getting by them for the last few years anyway. With my new tools and new feelings it should be easier this time, why worry about it more now.
Actually when I think about it I am doing better than just getting by, Just not flying yet. It will happen in it's own time.
You are doing great. Keep working on you. I know what it means to want to "find yourself". I have struggled w/that one for years. I got married at 18, still in high school and pregnant. Over the years I have tried to mold myself to be more like the people my husband hung out with. I have spent years confused as to who I really was.....never comfortable in my own skin. Now I am 32 years old, ending my 14 year marriage and I still don't know exactly who I am. I am more mature and realize that I am who I am and it doesn't matter if it isn't exactly what fits in with someone else. Take me or leave me, just the way I am, even if who I am changes on a daily, hourly or by the minute basis.
Good luck with getting settled in. :) Sincerely, QOD
You sound so good. I know those little voices in my head. One would think that after all we've been through that we just naturally say: "Hey I can do that. Everything will be okay." But it's not always that easy. I'm sitting here beating myself up because I took a personal day to day (a bit under the weather). What's the big deal? That's what they are there for. But there are those voices again.
I'm excited for you and your new venture. Redecorating your room, starting school. You get the chance to reinvent yourself. As scary as that sounds, try and look on it as a new adventure, a new challenge. I'm getting to the point where I really want a new challenge in my job. I'm just not sure how to go about it yet. I know you are going to do great. Enjoy the journey. The trip is so worth it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers the Snow Puma
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Jen if you want it, school, it will all fall into place. Do not look too far ahead. Enjoy learning and making your brain work. I loved school. Went back in my fourties. I did love it, but hated it too. but it was all worth it.
You will be so into things ya never thought about before. The goals you set will help you with all the pain you have been thru. And for petes sake do not be hard on yourself. It is YOUR education. Do it YOUR way.
I did lots of independant studies for credit. it was great. I did my own curriculum and actually did more than required and learned so darn much.
I am sure your parents know the big goof slobbers by now. It washes off you know. lol They are probably glad you have him.
I know those little voices in my head. One would think that after all we've been through that we just naturally say: "Hey I can do that. Everything will be okay." But it's not always that easy. I'm sitting here beating myself up because I took a personal day to day (a bit under the weather). What's the big deal? That's what they are there for. 
But there are those voices again. 