The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had a truly humbling week. Besides the trials and tribulations of working an 'intense' work week, my Awife and her mother are in my house, occupying 90% of the rest of my time packing her stuff for her move back to the midwest. The resentment, anger, and bitterness are quite apparent in wife... and MiL, who is a good person with a few weeks of program under her belt. Unfortunately, MiL does not have the ability to be objective.
The first night of packing went semi-smooth, wife very persistent in trying to "renegotiate our love", yet, next minute is resentful. The same all the next day, except she is now taking, hiding, sneaking and packing everything possible. I was doing okay... didn't argue about silly things (she gets 2 cutting boards, i get 0; she gets the good wedding gift silverware, i get the old stuff, etc). Later that night, I lost my cool. A hairbrush. The one I use all the time. It is hers, and she must have it. Words started simmering, resentments turned into words, I lost my serenity.
For my reactions, I am proud to have employed step 10. I apologized for my harsh words. I did then set a boundary and asked them to leave (as they were already well over the agreed upon time). They left the house and I went to a meeting.
The topic was Step 3. My AFG spoke about 'turning it over' and finding what the real, deep down resentments really are. 'how important is it'? really? honestly? It is what I needed to hear, thank you HP.
I prayed and thought of my future. I made a conscience decision. I will give her all that she insists upon taking, regardless if it is mine or hers or joint, with the condition of it not being needed for my everyday living needs. The concept is not meant for me to be a doormat, but rather, take the lesson HP offered through my prayer and program.
Yesterday, they arrived to continue packing. Before they made it to the front door (and before I could explain my Letting Go to A wife -- I did explain to MiL over the phone prior) cops arrived and arrested her on a warrant. It was the warrant stemming from her violating the NO CONTACT order. A week ago, if any of you recall from earlier posts, she got drunk and called me -- 22 times, till 1am -- I also gave her second and third chances to quit calling, vowing to uphold the order if she kept on. She did, and I did.
She returned to jail. Both her and MiL upset and certainly without objectivity, believe I set her up by calling the police and telling them she was expected to be at my house at that time. I did not, and did attempt to defend myself for a few minutes. Useless, immediately recognizable. Anyhow, I calmed MiL down a little after the took her to jail, and even helped her locate bail bondsmen, and guided her over the phone to the jail.
Tonight, MiL and I packed for 3 hours or so after I got home from work. Awife, out on bail, fears I would trick her again, even though I've only held her accountable for her NON-sober bad behavior. Still have not had a chance to set her down and explain my newfound step 3 lesson. I continue battling this concept in my head, with time. I go back and forth between making additional conditions on what she does or does not take. Further troubling me, is that I have most all of the high ground in both civil and criminal legal cases, with the power to make as many demands as I deem necessary... but that is contrary to what HP is asking of me, in my opinion.
I must let go of the assets, they are just assets. I will live, and be able to live, free of guilt or shame. My resentments are clear to me. I am losing my wife, by my choice, yet still cannot deny the love in my heart. I am losing my/her dog - Zoe, cat - Shelby, cat - Tex, and ferret - Kassie. I love them severely. They have truly given me unconditional love, and they have mine.
HP, please guide me. Please, have me do, not just say. Please, I'm trying to do what is right, not what would be terribly easy. HP, please guide me.
Thanks for listening (loving family) I needed to talk and appreciate your time and serenity cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My heart truly goes out to you in this painful time, as well as my respect for your ability to be kind and gracious through so much personal pain.
I thank you for chronicling your feelings, actions, thought patterns and ESH that you derived from the meeting at just the right time so we can all benefit from your experiences and learn from them.
I am a better person for having the priveledge of knowing someone like you in my Alanon family, someone who really works the program and learns a lot and in turn helps others with so msuch ESH.
Prayers and good and happy thoughts for your every happiness and serenity are headed your way my friend.
Good to read your words this morning...so glad we are here for you. I am so sorry for the pain and struggle you are going through....what an intense transition to have her actually leaving. You have been through so much and worked your program for you so beautifully and asked for help when you neeeded it from us,hp,authorities....you have really inspired me....i feel the effort you make and relate to the difficulty with which you make it. I wish you so much strength and hope and peace as you continue your journey. This is the time (as is all others) to let go and let god. Big faith time. For me, as I loose so much, I try to remember all that I have gained....bittersweet, but helpful. My heart aches for the sadness you and your beloved pets will feel while apart..I have never had a pet but I know they are like family for folks. Wish I had more to say...I just hope you know how much concern and care you have coming your way. Please take it easy and be extra good to your sweet self. You will make it through this chapter....with guidance and protection from your hp. With love and serenity, fifi
I am so sorry you are going through such a hard and stressfuil rime right now. It is so hard to be "human" and still follow what we feel our HP is teaching us.
I'm so grateful to read posts like yours that help me see the "unselfish" working of the program.
You're in my thoughts at this dificult time. Giving up things is hard, logically we know it should not be ... they are just things. Each thing it my life has some memory or emotion attached to it, giving them up is painful, poo on logic. Try to allow yourself the freedom to grieve the loss and look forward to different things, memories, emotions at the same time. I am not sure I made sense there but it somehow helped me to sort thru all our stuff and minimize what I kept.
I grieve with you the loss of your pets. In the last year I have lost or found homes for 3 dogs and 5 cats. I had found no relief from that except time. Sully (up in the pic) was sent to me for a special reason and will stay with me no matter where I end up.
I'm sorry CJ, that you have to go through such a difficult time. i wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I do not. It sounds as though you are handling this transition very well, applying the right things at the right time. Know you are thought of.
I'm going to remind you of a couple of things you already know. The first is JADE...You don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself when you know your motives/actions are appropriate. The thread thru out your post is about wanting to let you AW know about how you are applying the third step. Why? How does explaining that to a person without a program who is actively drinking help? Why are you explaining your actions? Often we get in the trap of thinking that we can explain ourselves, our actions so that it will be "all right" -- You've put it thru the process, you know you've checked your motives and you are good with how you are proceeding, why the need to explain it to your A? Think about this.
The other thing is that "ours is a program of attraction rather than promotion." If you are working it, living the steps..... she'll see it and it is attractive -- it will confuse the hell out of her for sure, possibly enough to want to know why. Remember "Changed attitudes can aid recovery."
Hang in there. You and your wife are in my prayers.
Glad you posted, I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering what ever happened. I know this must be excruciating. I have been in that spot before too where it appears that I brought the police when it is just chance or from some other occasion and there is no explaining it to an A. I don't know if I would give my pets to an A, they're almost like children and A's are so incapable of caring for anything or anyone other than themselves. Just my 2 cents. I am so sorry you have to go through this but glad to see that you are staying strong and keeping a positive attitude. Things will be replaced easily, the goodwill by the Tacoma mall is an excellent source for "things"!
Dear CJ, I too feel your pain in your post. So sorry you must go through all of that. Your post was filled with esh. I learned a lesson about "things" when I left my AH ex and moved. I left alot of things. Things that I had had for years. The blessing of that was that I was able to get new things. Reminders of my new beginning. Those things didn't have memories attached to them. My new things were symbolic of my new life. I had to leave my sweet chocolate lab with my ex because I was moving cross country. To this day I still miss him. I cherish the good memories of him. He was a great dog. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of you.
Hate so much to read the pain in your post - but glad to know that you are dealing with these emotions in a healthy recovery way.
Applying "Step 3" to this situation & "How Important is It" is a great use of the tools of the program to allow your HP to guide you thru the chaos of this situation. A program friend of mine, who has been helping me work thru my situation, has suggested that these times of stress & drama are times that are HP uses it for "spiritual surgery". Times that we are wounded and have scars that our HP wants to heal for us.
And as in when we would have actually surgery, when we have "spiritual surgery" our bodies need lots of self-care. So please try to take the time to give yourself the care you need - hope that you are able to do those caring things (eat well, get plenty of rest, relaxation, attend meetings, and other healthy activities).
Sending thoughts & prayers for a day filled with serenity, peace, hope & love,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Ain't it great to have family to come home to?? I read your post and man have I ever "been there done that" also. Little different than yours and the similarities are in the use of the program...YOU DID GOOD!! Slogans helped me out and a loving caring sponsor who then went thru his own separation and divorce. Sad always but in the end acceptable because of the use of the program. I came away with no material things that would interfere with the spiritual growth in my recovery. Not one item and they were all there because of my credit and cash. No bigee cause when I walked away from the court I retained my peace of mind and serenity which was not a part of the settlement. I came away from the court in love with the alcoholic and with no reason to be married to her. She wasn't a bad person...I was a sick one at the time I made my decision to marry her. What a learning experience in the road to recovery eh?
I like your use of the 10th step in this manner cause knowing myself intimately made the process cleaner and more acceptable. I didn't blame myself or her. I had stopped judging her and was using compassion. We were both going thru the journey as children of God and had God's love and unconditional acceptance. Let me give you something that was given to me during that period of time that I have never forgotten or has ever faded in it's importance or ability to stir my spirit. For me it is one of those truths that are unquestionable. I was having problems with what true love and acceptance of the alcoholic was and I wavered between loving her and not feeling loved back. Someone in program told me, "(Mutual) Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice." Holding power over her, judging and demeaning her, trying to manipulate her with the disease was not just and so I made the decision to accept her unconditionally for who and what she was and then I was just in love with her just as I am with everyone else around me and myself.
You did not kick your alcoholic while she was down and you know you could have. You have been afforded an authority over her and witheld exercising it. Instead you gave away the key to that opportunity in not using resentment, anger and self centeredness. How dare you not!! You have come a very long way in a very short time and I am grateful for your share on what you did to bring it about and what you are like now. You confirm to me again that this program works and not my program works.
If you have rid yourself of resentments include any that you may have against yourself...those are the most dangerous as you live within the person you hate and despise. Read the pages on self love and acceptance in your literature and let that resentment loose also. If your HP loves you unconditionally you obviously don't have the authority not to do so yourself.
If you love something...let it go. If it never comes back; it was never supposed to be. If it comes back? Love it forever.
Man to Man? Thanks for your courage and humility. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you, family. Thank you for taking time for me, passing your esh, and reaffirming the lessons I need to work through.
Never would one expect to have a nice Valentine's Day packing up stuff for impending divorce. I did work my program. I learned. I let go. I progressed. As Jerry mentioned, we are all on paths, guided as HP deems necessary. Kindness and compassion go a long way in marking a shorter journey.
Blessed be, my friends cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can relate to this on so many levels. Yes, it is easy to lose some serenity during this time. I had to stick close to God. When he would take something...."That is the price you pay for freedom" would go through my head again and again. He would still try to take things when he would come over to get the baby. The last time he did, I told him since the divorce was final ANYTHING in my possession was mine because the judge said so. I let him take what it was he wanted that day but told him that would be the last. And it has. In the beginning I would catch myself getting wrapped up in the "nerve" of what he was taking rather than what it actually was....."The price you pay for freedom" hit me and the resentment was gone. Material is nothing. If he needs all that to be comfortable then that is him, not me. I can find my own serenity in me. not my stuff. Over time, things became easier and easier to deal with. Last night when he came to get the baby, there was no tension. The conversation was short and to the point about the baby only. There hasn't been tension in sometime. I pray that he gets everything that I would want for myself. I pray that the baby is safe when she is with him. Good luck. Sounds like you did very well. Ziggy
