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My AH is back on the wagon and going to meetings - yeah and neigh.
He was recently diagnosed with a seizure disorder on top of his ADD and addictions. I know I should be concerned, but it is too reminscent of his binges - disappearing and not answering his cell phone - except now he has a seizure, falls, hit his head and ends up in the hospital with a head injury, several times now.
I was doing well when he was actively drinking and drugging - I would know shortly after he didn't arrive home when expected that he was on a bender - I would put the baby to sleep and go to bed myself. Now, I find myself regressing because I have no way of knowing if he has fallen off the wagon or if he has really fallen.
At his doctors (a fellow A) suggestion, we decided that AH would call when he got to his meeting and when he got out and was on his way home so I would know that he was alright (medically speaking).
My AH came home from work yesterday jonesing to drink and drug. He called his sponsor and committed to go to a meeting but never came home afterwards.
I had never dragged my baby out to look for his high, drunken father before but there I was last night out in the cold trying to find Daddy - out of guilt and in case he was hurt.
When he wasn't passed out in the meeting parking lot or at the hospital and still not answering his phone, I came home and went to bed. He showed up later saying he went to his meeting and ended up at another meeting with some fellow As but forgot to call.
I flew off the handle I was so angry. I took his keys and cell phone and told him he couldn't stay here anymore. I cannot believe that I got sucked back into his disease and realize now that I was more angry with myself than him. I could not seem to remember the 3Cs. I got so caught up in the need to control everything and hit an all time low with my behavior last night.
I don't recognize myself anymore because I am so angry all the time. I don't want to be like this anymore but don't know how to act any other way. I have become so unforgiving and uncaring that it scares me. I want to change before my son grows up and remembers his mom as such a cold and bitter person.
Anyone have any suggestions where to start and how to let go?
It took me almost 2 years to finally "let go and let God" trust your higher power is doing what he needs to do for your A.....I was trusting but then would interupt his work by getting involved with where my A was and wondering what he was doing.....when I finally let go (which was hard work for me) things started happening for me and for my A.....hang in there ...throw yourself into the program, learn to be gentle with yourself, know you are a work in progress and not perfect......stay focused on you.....even during the good times....(that was hard for me too) know that you have a great support system.....get to meetings......big hugs to you!!!!! Mary
I really appreciate your honesty. I know with my own experience I have taken out my anger on my loved one's (ie husband). I am so angry that they 'did something'to me that I fly off the handle or do something insane like drive around in the middle of the night. LOL But when I asked myself why I was angry, I realized that I was really angry with how I reacted!! So I totally relate and I think it's a huge step to recognize this about yourself. I know it was a big step in my recovery to acknowlege that I was angry with my own re-actions and taking that anger out on others. Then I could make my amends to them, apologize for unacceptable behavior and take ownership for my part of the insanity.....and that's when the miracles start to appear.
I'm very proud of you for realizing this about yourself and you are on your way to reaping huge rewards from recovery.
Heard in a lead from a gentleman with a few 24+ hrs of sobriety: "I come home from being out all night with you folks at AA meetings, and there I see my bride, tear streaked and frantic. I couldn't see then, at that moment that 3 months of sobriety don't compensate for 30 years of drinking." You have every right to be angry. I think you have every right to be reactive. He's newly sober, has several more concerning, medical conditions, and while his forgetting to call is human, so is your explosion. You can, if you choose, set a boundry here. "If you decide to be out late, I would really appreciate you calling, given the things have have transpired in the past 6 months. It lets me know that you care about me and you care about our family." He gives you guff? It's on him.
O.k. what strikes me is that he is driving with a seizure disorder. Is he on medication that is supposed to control his seizures? I am surprised that the doctors haven't taken his license away from him, if there were the risk of his having a seizure while driving!
Moving on-I know the worry and anxiousness you feel. It is so aggravating b/c we try so hard not to get wrapped up in it. When my ah is late I have to really concentrate on keeping myself busy. (He is a terrible "informer" of his plans.) I am so sorry that you are so angry right now. Tiger made a good point about telling him what you would appreciate and why. I would also suggest to pray about it and try to figure out what is really anger or fear, or frustration. I personally would have so many emotions going on that I would probably be angry b/c I had so many things running through my head all the time--when that happens I get angry b/c I have a hard time focusing and doing the "next right thing".
I don't know--just some thoughts. I hope you can find some peace soon. Take care of you!
He is on anti-siezure medication and the doctor says as long as he takes it, he can drive. But... is he taking it or just saying he is? - talk about control issues. He claims he is but he is also on Xanax to help him sleep at night and take the edge off. He took 1/2 of a Xanax when he came home that night from work because he was so worked up. Some people get a hyped up before a seizure so I was afraid that maybe he was in danger.
I did my first online meeting this morning and am trying to refocus on me. I haven't found my HP yet, but I am sure it is out there just waiting for me.
Once again, thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.
