The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. --Natalie Goldberg
As you aware of how you cope with your work stress? Many studies show that up to 40 percent of workers report too much stress on the job. And 50 percent of these workers have a spouse they bring the stress home to. Stress is natural; it is what we do with the stress that makes the difference. Many of the changes common in companies today - increased responsibilities, promotions, and downsizing - affect the stress level of workers. Coping with stress requires intentional planning. Some people cope by assessing priorities; others practice meditation. Many learn that developing healthy behaviors in exercise, eating, and relaxation makes a difference. Others like to "decompress" by reading a newspaper, sitting in silence, taking a brisk walk, or "zoning out" with TV.
If we are blind to how stress affects us, we may injure our relationships with others. It is up to each of us to comment on our stress, talk with someone about it, and take responsibility for learning to leave the stress at work.
Just for today, I will focus on what my usual practices are regarding my stress. I will focus on the sources of my stress and explore new coping methods. To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult.
-Plutarch
The university is closed. The libraries, YMCAs, stores, darn near everything is closed. The snow, the ice, the sleet, it's all a mess. It's like God finally said "Alright Sarah, since you won't take a day off to get everything you need done, and since I'm God, I'll give you one! " Have I gotten everything I need to done? No. Have I even started? Ha! I saw the dr yest for my migranes, the one I got a referral for. He said something all of you, my sponsor, my whole recovery family have been saying for God knows how long: "You need to take a lighter course load. It'll mean a later graduation date. But you'll feel better. And you'll get better grades." I didn't want to write about this. I'm afraid of getting judged. I've gotten some fairly scathing emails in the past 2/3 weeks. But this broke my heart I tried to practice gratitude. I have the privelige of higher education. I have the privelidge of having my education at least partially paid for. I have a place to live. I have a job. I have today. I can make it, ODAAT. It didn't work. I tried to drag myself out of self pity. Lower courseload does not reflect on me as a person. The fact that other people can take more courses in the same amount of time is a reflection on their abilities and their talents; it is not an indication of "lesser than" on my part. The reality that I would graduate later does not mean I am a failure or a "less than sucess." That didn't work, either. Thank god for sponsors. "If you don't follow the doctors suggestion, there is a high likelihood you may find yourself back in the hospital. And then, your worst fear, 'My father was always right about me' will be realized." Me: "I guess it's just that I hate being financially dependent on them. It is so frustrating to have the relationship I have with them." Sponsor: "You are turning 24 this year. The IRS has noticed this. And I promise, if no one else is happy to send the bills to you, the IRS will be more than happy to grant you financial independence." I laughed. She was right. She was absolutely right. I turn 24 on the 23rd (MARIA! ARE YOU LISTENING?!) And if no one else notices in my biological family, as anyone who pays taxes can reassure another, the IRS misses very little when it comes to money and who spends how much of it. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I wanted to share with y'all that I'm still where I'm at: I think I "get" this program, and then I realize I'm still "at the beginning." I think I've "mastered" the concepts, and then I realize, HA! Not so much. But the good news is I've finally gotten a definition for what "life on life terms means. It sucks. But it's good I'm not doing it alone. I'm glad I have y'all to help me with it.
Tiger - first - in case I forget (which I probably will) Happy early birthday for the 23rd!!
Not to much else to add except really can relate to learning & relearning & yes, but once again learning to accept "life on life's terms"
Peace to you my trusted friend,
Rita
Oh yeah - hope that the migraines are lessened soon & no matter what your father said about you -I think you are an Awesome Person - with great insight & truly a great friend.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Whoa!! You have A LOT going on. Can I offer you a little hug? ((Tiger)) How about a bigger hug? ((((((((((((Tiger)))))))))))))
Regardless of how fortunate you are to have your education partially paid for, that doesn't mean you have to torture yourself w/overload. Granted lots of people are forced to take less classes for financial reasons alone.....but just b/c you can afford to take more, does that mean you should? Umm NO! You should only take the number of classes you, yourself can handle mentally, physically, emotionally. So what if it takes a little longer to finish up? Seriously, if you are putting years into your education, what is another semester or two? Drops in the bucket.
So for a while, you ought to take it easy on yourself, at school and at home. Take a break, breathe in some fresh (even if icy, snowy & cold) air, do a little yoga or pilates, try some destressing stretches, a nap, hot shower, hot cocoa, anything to help you relax and enjoy a few minutes of peace.
We are here for you. Good luck with the rest of the afternoon & the rest of the semester at school....and oh - Happy Early 24th Bday too. :)
Ya know.. You have a goal right?. I believe if you keep your sites set on it and keep moving toward it, it will happen. You can do this a harder way or an easier way but the end result will inevitably be the same. How important is it (when the end result is the same)? You will graduate either way.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There are no awards really for taking a heavy courseload, all it does is bring down your grades and overload you if it is too much for you.
All that matters in the end is your GPA, how much you learned, and your student loan balance, hahahahahahaha (about the student loan part, LOL).
I am being funny but this is really true. Your employers, any schools you may wish to earn higher degrees from in the future, will not care how quickly you earned those credits or your coarse load, but only your grades, amount of extracurricular activities you did, acedemic honors, etc. all which are tough to do on a really full load.
I know that is tough to see now, but think about what will REALLY be important a decade from now? Your GPA will last forever, but the amount of courses you took each semester will NOT.
Be gentle with yourself, you have a lot going on right now. I am so sorry to hear about the scathing emails, I can clearly see what a loving and caring person you are who tries so despereately to help others and show such loving compassion always. We really should be more patient with each other, see the good in each other. Be supportive, our addicts put us down enough and see enough wrong with us, lets try to find the GOOD in each other and show appreciation for it.
You once said that you wished someone told you all of the unwritten rules of life. Well, my dear friend, it doesn't work that way, so much of what you learn is developmental and can only come from experience.
For instance, you mentioned talking about your parents in an interview for a college type of job. You felt you were being honest and forthright, but, no one has told you that these sorts of questions are very tricky to answer. Employers spend millions of dollars researching what questions to ask in an interview to weed out undesireables. They can't come right out and ask most things, and looks can be decieving and con artists can talk a good story and make an excellent appearance, but the right psychological questions can often uncover insights into a person's personality that they might not want known.
I have actually worked with psychologists who were employed by corporations to come up with interview questions that would weed out people with personality disorders, or other mental illnesses, that most people would never figure out, and to give the interviewer as many guidelines as possible on how to interpret the answer.
This question they asked you was likely to see how professional you are, how well can you put aside your personal problems and do your job? Are you able to do that? Do you have serious personal problems? One that will ooze out all over the interview and quite likely your job? Will working with you mean an unceasing drama of tragedies that have happened to you? Do you have your personal life enmeshed with your professional life and will unload your personal problems on everyone in sight when you are supposed to be doing your job? Are you a sociopath who does not care about anyone other than yourself? Or do you care about others...
Interview questions can be a minefield if you are not careful. It is best to stick to short answers that are honest, but not deeply personal.
It might have been best to not mention your parents at all. Part of the "job" of going away to college is to separate yourself from your parents emotionally gradually, as you have done so physically. It might have been best to only talk about you.
Are you ready to hear this? I doubt it...you will likely be filled with reasons why I am wrong an be eager to tell me so and explain your rationale in great detail and justify yourself as being totally right and me as having some sort of mental or emotional problem or "being in denial" since I have a different point of view. See? That is what I mean, this is something that you will learn eventually in life, how to keep your personal life and professional life separate and how to keep your personal life private in general (at least in the world of work). People can tell you all of the "unwritten rules of life" they want and if you are not ready to hear them, you won't "get it".
I know most people know this about college students and will be patient while you learn some life lessons, so I hope you still get the job.
I want you to know Tiger that I feel you are a highly intelligent very caring and wonderful person and I think the world of you. You are so young, and have so many problems of your own, yet take so much time to try and learn to enrich your own life and that of others. I really think very highly of you and want also to help you and give back by sharing my ESH with you. You make it very difficult though, since you seem to think people who view things differently are in denial or suffering from mental or emotional illness, sigh. Still, know that I care and am pulling for you and am behind you and your remarkeable abilities 100%, and appreciate very much your loving compassion for others.
I will close with a short story. I went to college with a woman who was very smart, she was a married mom of three and only took one class a semester. She put her all into that class and got all A's. She got all kinds of awards and was in the paper at graduation and got LOADS of honors and awards for her perfect 4.0 GPA, sigh. A lot of us putting ourselves through college with loans and load requirements thought this was unfair and really it is. There should be seperate designations for people taking full loads and people taking only one class once in a while, sort of like a hobby but there is NOT and if there is now, it is not widespread. She did not have to work an outside job like many of us did, and her husband made a lot of money at his job so she could afford a nanny to come to college with here and tutor the kids in the library while she was in class. I was a divorced mom who had to work while in college AND pay for it myself with loans, I will be paying forever, LOL.
Well, in the end all that mattered were her grades, so I can tell you to relax about how quickly you finish college, especially since you are getting so much help to pay for it.
Take care of YOU, relax, enjoy the process a little more. Maybe get involved in more extracurricular activities which look really good on your transcripts, especially if it is an honor society.
This is also advise a beloved professor gave me, so I am passing it on. I was ready to listen and am glad I did, I hope you are also.
*confidential to Alanoner: I actually was thinking as I was reading your post "yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. But be straight with me: has anyone you've ever met perfectly been able to seperate their professional and personal lives? Me niether."* So, I was watching SCRUBS on tv tonight--I'm snowed in. The show was about "What's the real goal here?" Ha! Fitting! Zach Braff finally says to Sarah Chalke "Look, this isn't about your boyfriend, your wine, your rotation. It's that you're 26, you're still broke, you're still technically in college, and you've done nothing with your life." Forgetting about the fact that Zach was saying all this while having collapsed running a triatholn he had signed up for the day before, I screamed out (scaring the dogs, of course) That's it! That's exactly what I was trying to say! That's exactly how I feel! 23. Still in college. Still a parental parasite (as I heard someone else in my situation say) No guy, per se (probably good, considering the significant lack of self esteem I have) No "job", per se (again, probably good, but someone please remind me? ) Yeah... I realized as I was watching these syndicated comedies that this is exactly how I feel. That somehow graduating college was supposed to be the "Signal" The "permission slip" to start my life. The "Stamp" on the passport. The "Chekered flag" at the race. Yeah...Maybe I need to reevaluate my def of "life" "success" and stuff like that.
i can really get in the numbers game of I shoulda coulda woulda. The issue for me is that I am in a process. Yes I may be x years old, whatever with whatever bank balance (slowly dwindling) but do I really have to put up that yardstick.
I am in recovery yes. Most people are not. I invest tremendous time and energy into my recovery. I get better. Do I have a time table on it. I used to but not really. I used to think that when I got through my memories I would get better. I did. There are now other challenges.
For me there may alway sbe challenges but I am up to them I work on seeking support from people who understand me. That is people who have an inkling where I am coming from. I do care what others think but I'm not that totally invested in being understood by so many people. I don't have to spend yet another year trying to explain myself.
Yes I get mad at the obstacles. There are tons of them. I'm supposed to be flying off into plan b, ticking off the stuff. Instead I am mired in yet another job hunt. The difference is this obstacle isn't going to swallow me up like others have. The difference is that today I'll allow myself the luxury of teling a few people this is what is up today. I'll allow myself that gift from isolation.
I haven't transversed the obstacles yet. At the same time I'm not willing to give in to feeling shrunken by people telling me this is what you shoulda coulda woulda do. I have to negotiate my life myself through the maze.
As someone with a history of depression, sexual abuse, physical abuse and difficult relationships to say the least I am probaby not going to fly off into the sunset into peace, love and happiness. Nevertheless I can make a point of enjoying some moments in the day. I don't have to make it a trudgeathon either and I can so so easily. I don't have to beat myself up with the variation of the same stick.
I've been there on the number game. I'm...whatever and I don't have... The issue for me is that I'm.... and I have some recovery under my belt. It may not be the optimal level but I'm there. I'm in it. However long it takes, whatever it takes I'm in there. Recovery sneaks up on me. I feel I am trudging through molasses all the time. Then I get to Valentines day and I'm not suicidal and I'm not looking for anything from the A. I'm not even resentful. What a gift.
I am someone who struggles with many many health issues. Access, medication, time to go to the doctor, how to go to what doctor, dentist, therapist are huge issues for me. I don't make light of the problems. I certainly have not solved them But maybe just maybe for me at least I have to look at it as an ongoing process rather than a finite I shoulda one. Getting resources is a fluid issue. Getting independent for those of us who have been abused is a major major hurdle. Some of us transverse that well others struggle with other issues.
I'm grateful today to be in whatever state of recovery I'm in. My birthday looms in a couple of months. I hope I do not do a shoulda on myself around it. I hope I can just enjoy it rather than get caught up in the number.
I didn't want to write about this. I'm afraid of getting judged. I've gotten some fairly scathing emails in the past 2/3 weeks. But this broke my heart
And then, your worst fear, 'My father was always right about me' will be realized
But the good news is I've finally gotten a definition for what "life on life terms means. 
The show was about "What's the real goal here?" Ha! Fitting! Zach Braff finally says to Sarah Chalke "Look, this isn't about your boyfriend, your wine, your rotation. It's that you're 26, you're still broke, you're still technically in college, and you've done nothing with your life." 
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