The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH was awake this morning when I came downstairs. He wanted to talk. He always wants to talk at the most inconvenient times for me.....bedtime or when I have to get ready for work. But I listened to him. He of course wanted something for himself too when talking to me. He was feeling better from his latest 13 day binge (Been home for 5 Days). He has been more affectionate towards me and the kids as he always is after his binges. The first few days, he sleeps. But after that, he is always so wonderful. Making amends I reckon.
He wanted something from me this morning. He wanted more than just hugs and kisses. I told him we couldn't. It was the wrong direction. We are supposed to be separating, not making up. Oh I cried and cried and cried some more. I do really love this man. The sweet wonderful adoring man he was this morning. The one who promises to get better, get professional help, whatever it takes. The one who says he is done w/drugs and alcohol, he doesn't want to go back to that place he was ever again. Oh the promises. I have heard them all before and I told him that.
He said these were promises he was making to himself for himself - not to me. He said he wanted and needed to recover, that he doesn't want to be that bad guy ever again. He wants to be a good father, good husband.
I wanted to be in his arms so bad, to be held, to forget all the bad, pretend it never happened.....just pretend, like I used to.
And I did. And I felt guilty for it. I felt like I was lieing to myself and to him. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt myself. I shut the door to my brain and just let the physical take over for a little while.
And now - now I am left with the guilt. Like I have offered him a false life line.....I know deep down we cannot stay together. There are too many things about "US" that I don't like. I love the parts that are great, hate the things that are not.
I feel like I am lieing to myself too. And to all of you, to my AH, my family. I am not as strong as I appear to be. I can do the whole support myself thing. It will be tough but I can do that. I can even do the whole being alone thing. But the hard part is ending it, cutting the rope, setting my AH loose and not turning back. I have faked it...but I aint makin' it. It is easy to say I am done when he is gone. But when he is back.....oh it hurts to bad.
He did say he would leave, stay w/his stepdad, work on recovery. He said it could be like dating again. He'd come over every night to see the kids and me but go back to his stepdad's to sleep. Muddy waters. That is what it is. Muddy waters. It may work....if he really does work on recovery/rehab - He needs some serious professional help. Arrgg - I hate this limbo. It would be easier if he'd just pick up and leave....leave me out of it. Then I wouldn't have to be the one to pull the rug on US. Does any of that make sense? I am rambling and I know it. Thanks for listening. Sincerely, QOD
I am in the exact same shoes. I fear that when my A gets out of jail that all my progress (little as it is) while he was there will be for nothing. I will surrender to him, when I know I shouldn't. It is hard when you carry all of the responsibility and never have a soft place to physically fall. Please, don't beat yourself up. You are human and appear to be extremely strong from my point of view.
I won't dare try to give you any suggestions, because I am praying that I will figure it out myself. You are not alone. I want to believe my A's words so badly at times, because then all this pain and heartache won't be for nothing, even though, deep down I know it is him manipulating me. I have been there more times than I care to admit.
Please, Please stop beating yourself up - Accept the permission to be human. You love this man. You love the "healthy, wanting recovery man". Why wouldn't you want to be held by the man you love?
The man that was gone for 13 days in the craziness of his disease is the man that you don't want to hold you. The way that I understand this awful disease is that it makes them two seperate people. The clean, sober person is the one we fell in love with. We too are doing the best we can with what we have.
Beating yourself up - can't undo what has been done - I don't know if it was right for you or your relationship - but it was done - Try to go forward, sweetie - Just for today & start your today right now.
There are many times, I too have done this same thing. Last night I spent the night in the arms of my husband who has been living a lie for 7 months. But we are both scared - we needed to just lay next to each other and talk. To try to sort thru this mess of our lives right now.
We aren't perfect - we won't ever do this thing perfect - we do the best we can & pray for the strength & guidance to do what is best for ourselves One Day at a Time.
Maybe the time apart might would help - maybe trying to "date" would help - then he could have the time he would need to work on his recovery - only his HP knows what is best for him. You just take care of you and know that you have not lied to us - You are just being human - just like each and every one of us.
Love & Hugs, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This is exactly where I was months back when I first moved out. I feel your pain really I do and all I can say is it does get better! I don't know what's right for you but I know that your situation sounds an awful lot like mine. What I did was move out. It was really hard for me to realize that I could make a decision and change my mind OR that I could just not make a decision. Most of what has happened is as a result of me sitting back and watching what he does. I figured if he really does want to get better he will and I'll see and we can be together again and that gave me something to hold onto until there wasn't anything to hold onto anymore. As a result, he didn't quit, he kept doing what he did and created bigger and bigger problems for himself since I decided that I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT rescue him from his consequences. It IS hard to watch but it has shown me what is really happening and not my fairy tale of what I'd like to believe. For me stepping back and just leaving him alone to do whatever he's going to do has made all the difference. Let's rehash. Since I moved out he has gotten 2 dui's, racked up medical bills all across the us, maxed out all of his credit cards, lost two jobs, lost the truck to repo, broken into my house and stolen money from me, screwed some other woman and then gone to jail for assaulting her and that's just in the last 6 months - just imagine what the future holds.
I talked to his mother last night and she said that he told her he really messed up and that he loves me so much and I said...
He sure has a funny way of showing it and with friends like that who needs enemies???
My point is... I used to be right where you are wanting so much to believe that he would change and then I changed and decided I'd assume he wouldn't and let him prove me wrong rather than assuming that he would and jump right back on that merry go round. I've yet to be proven wrong... You have NO responsibility or obligation to believe the crap he says to try to make it all better till next time.
when i slipped and fell back into his arms i felt awful about myself. i felt like i let myself down. it didn't feel right. it didn't help me. i tried so hard to just let the "love" take over because in the past it had worked for me. it never lasted long enough though. you are human. we want so badly to be loved and taken care of especially when things are hard. funny that i always turn to the man who has had the biggest part in creating the chaos for love and support. habit, hope, i don't know. so, the thing that has changed is me. the last time i slept with my ex ah was in september while he was drinking and living god know where. and the regret was immediate. the fear of what i had done and what it could mean was overpowering. i went and got tested and waited for the 2 weeks in agony of what a positive hiv test would really mean for me and my kids. ofcourse he assured me time and again he hadn't been with anyone in the 4 months that we were seperated ( funny in the 12 years we were married he had no problem sleeping with other women but as soon as we were through he chooses abstince?!) the results were negative. for me it seemed like a close call and one that i never want to go thru again. it happened for a reason. it answered the nagging questions in my mind.....could i just forgive and move on with him....for the sake of the kids.....would it be best for me....no. the answer was very clear to me. no. it was over. but if i hadn't gone thru all that i went thru with him i would always question myself. when it was over...for me there was no doubt. you are strong and you can do this. whatever you decide to do. for me, i know what i felt like when i loved him. i don't know if i ever really felt love from him. not consistently. not when it counted, only when it suited his purposes. be careful with your heart and your soul and don't give up on love.
Thanks to all of you for your help & support and sharing your experiences. My little moments of weakness biting me in the BUTT!
I have my own house, my own car and the separation papers drawn up. I just have to get past my heart....build that wall back up tall, ignore all the promises.
For one person in your situation, this would just be a sign that she needs to gather up her strength, get over the hump, and life gets easier from now on. For another, this might be a sign that she can stay with him, use the tools to detach with love, and life gets easier from now on. The only one who has any chance of knowing which it is for YOU (or maybe some other, third option) is you.
The only choice that is wrong, in my opinion, is to deliberately blind yourself. To see what you hope to see, rather than what is there. If you assume that he will not change, can you stand to live with it? Remember that love takes many forms - what a marriage is 'supposed' to be like has no place here. All that matters is what YOU need from your marriage. Take a realistic look at what it will be like, assuming that HE won't get better, but that you, if you work your program, will. That's what you use to make your decision, and nothing else.
And, I don't see anywhere in the rules that you can't enjoy a moment of sweetness with a man you love. Just don't fool yourself about what it means.
You don't have to do anything today. If your not 100% sure, you cannot make a 100% decision. and the answer you are looking for is an all or none, and that is 100% either way.
You have come this far, completed this much, what's the rush now? It's not a race to the finish line, it's completing the race in a manner you can live with.
Just give yourself physical boundaries you are comfortable with in the mean time.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
QOD, your story is mine. Only the names have been changed. I used to feel the same way you do when I'd listen to my A's promises which were often empty - just ploys to get on my good side. And I'd give in to it because I wanted it to be the way it used to be, for me and him to be like we used to be. It was usually after one of his longer binges when I'd feel more weak probably because I'd feel even more desperate. And I'd feel guilty "giving in" when, in the back of my mind, I felt like I let myself and others down as though I just couldn't follow through with what I thought I could. And there were times when I knew he truly regretted everything and truly wanted to get better. He'd go to re-habs, AA, etc. but sooner or later it was back to binges. I'd put him out, take him back, I can't tell you how many times. But over time, I've learned much about me and him and this disease. At this time, he has a small place of his own that he moved into a few months ago but he's here at our house much of the time. I didn't draw up seperation papers because it wasn't a step I felt quite ready to do. I figured it would happen when and if the time was right. I didn't want to do something I might be sorry for and then add more misery to my life. So I left formal paperwork stuff alone for now. At the beginning of this separation, times were terrible. We were two angry people! There were days I hated his guts and felt sooo hurt by him and there were days I wanted him back. My emotions (and his) were running too high to do anything and have it be something we could deal with. So I just stuck to this site and anywhere I could talk to understanding people, reading books on the stuff, and learning. What I wanted first was for my nerves to settle down so I could begin to think straight and not be so stressed. That has happened - slowly but it has happened. Separation cleared the way. Recently my A went on another binge for the first time in a long time and it was RUGGED. And even though we were separated, it was still tough for me and my kids because we care.(our kids are young adults with their own lives but were home for visits). He sobered up after 11 days and got back with his sponser and AA. It took him 2 weeks to look better after looking like hell. At this time we are still separated but he is here at the house most of the time. I am more comfortable this way because I can say what's on my mind (I've been learning how to say things without an attitude) and if he doesn't like it or doesn't want to hear it, well....he's already separated from me so I don't have to go through the "pack your stuff and get out" scenario. We're trying to sort out our own heads and feelings and perhaps we'll be able to come together again. We seem to be working towards that now, slowly. I like his hugs,etc. as much as he likes mine but he cannot move in here now. I don't want that.But I am sooo less stressed because #1) I'm working on me and #2) his not being here makes it all easier. Some folks don't want or have to separate but that's just how it is for us. One thing I do know is that there shall forever be the chance he'll relapse simply because he has the disease. There is no way around that and I'd have to accept it for what it is. And then live one day at a time which is all anyone can do in their life anyway. So I think you have to do what you think is right for you in your own time. It could be that separating with or without papers is what will be good for you or maybe you'll be able to detach enough to pull yourself up, take care of you and your kids, without separating and see where you should go. Good things do happen. I wish you well.... jaja
Thanks again to all of you. Y'all offer me so much comfort with your sharing of your experiences etc. It helps me to know I am not alone. It helps to know what others have done when put in similar situations. It helps to know that I am not a bad person for having my feelings and thoughts that make me feel like am that horrible person.
I love my MIP family and I am so grateful for all of you.
