The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok - I looked in the mirror this morning & said "Thanks God, we made it thru yesterday. Help me with today."
Pretty much most of the anger has passed - Maybe reality is beginning to set it - Cancer - wow - my husband has cancer. Set aside the fact he didn't tell me, for whatever reason, when I try to look at this objectively - just because he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved doesn't mean he doesn't love me. We spent hours last night talking about this situation - way into the early morning hours - I see the fear in his eyes. I see the pain and yes, he sees the pain in mine.
He is doing the best he can with what he has - whether it is enough for me - only time will tell. Maybe analyzing the relationship is not where my focus should be - maybe I should be in acceptance? If I haven't left before, do I really think I could walk away now? Probably not. No matter how hurt I am, how crushed, how betrayed I feel - the fact of the matter is - I am still very much in love with this man and care very much about his well-being.
Just because he doesn't handle the relationship the way I feel it should be handled does that mean the relationship is toxic? Is there still good in this? Am I focusing to much on what I want him to do? Is that still asserting a false sense of control? Who the heck knows?
I just don't know that I could live with the guilt if the medical condition was serious and I walked away. Geez that sounds so unhealthy & a little martyrdom.
So I know none of you have the answers to the questions - these are just questions, ideas and thoughts that are being put down to express my emotions - still trying to process this - not to stuff everything.
F2f meeting last night was on Steps 3,4,&5 - Step 3 - I don't have to have the answers - just trust in a power greater than me that will do for me what I can't do for myself. Continue leading me in a life filled with recovery.
So once again, thanks for letting me vent my emotions, just working on keeping my side of the street clean - because we all know two wrongs don't make a right - I really, really want to live my life a healthy, recovery oriented way.
So much of me is wishing each & everyone of you peace,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know about acceptance, I know given how I've been fighting with my body lately I've felt quite often betrayed by my body. Sometimes I feel as if acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. But in reality, what the accptance paragraph alludes to is the reality that I don't have to like the circumstances I'm in, but so long as I continue to resist reality, I'm going to continue to be miserable. That's why I like that last sentence: I need to focus not so much on what needs to be changed in others as what needs to be changed in me and my attitude. Powerful statement. I think the other thing about cancer is taht the word itself in our society is just so powerful. So intense. So much money is spent from patients trying to fight it, so much money is spent by agencies trying to understand it, and it's only within the past 2 years we're finally finding preventative measures that are empowering people on all sides of the equations, doctors, researchers, patients, professionals, whatever. The reality is that for so long if you had cancer you were gonna die, and the reality is that still today if you have cancer, or a tumor, or a cyst, it's still very humblin. Its still a heavy feeling of having your lights knocked out by a lion. The lady that played Blanche Deavereux in THE GOLDEN GIRLS described being told she had breast cancer as "I almost fell off the table and when I grabbed on, I swore my hand had disowned my body. It was as if my body wasn't mine anymore." I think, lastly, living with the realities that cancer brings with it are so powerful that there's really no "Safe" or "simple" way to put words together to explain the feelings, which was another reason why I suggested the handbook for cancer and the families that the ACS publishes. I mean, I remember the day i was told that the scans were suggestign this bone eating, muscle scavanging cancer that was gonna take my left arm how I was screaming at my car radio, cursing at the morning show that was on "Can you talk about something other than the president?! I'm dying here and you idiots are talking about politics?!?" I mean it was bad. I think also it wouldn't hurt, if you're still feeling as if you've been snow plowed, to look on the internet for support for spouses and families of cancer families. The acs is good here too. These guys really know where to hook you up with local support services, information centers, et cetera.
I really empathize with your pain, its hard enough to accept that someone we love is sick and then accept that the person we love may not behave the way we'd like in the relationship. I know when I have something big happen in my life it doesn't become a reality for me until I've expressed it to my family, the people I love the most. Its something about their emotions and reactions that are attached to my problem. The feeling for me internally is that o.k. the problem is there, but I'm not feeling it as intensely. Once I let the "cat out of the bag", the intense emotions happen. I think you are both doing the best you can right now with what you've got, and just remember that what you have now is a whole lot more than you had before recovery began. I think those answers will come in time, then you can figure out what the next best thing to do is. Hang in there and remember you are loved and will have all the support you need to get through this. Keeping you both in my prayers,
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
