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My problem is with my A hubby's adult daughter. She was raised by his parents who got custody of her when shen was 7. She lived with them until she turned 17, at that point she moved from Flordida back to NY. Let me tell you he did not loose custody of her due to alcohol, illegal drug use (which he doesnt do any way) or abuse, or neglect. I read the court transcripts. I can tell you this comminuty, this county I live in is small, it is a "good 'ole boy" mentality, it is all in who you know. His parents hired a lawyer whose father went to law school with the familky court judge. His lawyer told him he had nothing to worry about, that he was her dad. Wrong!!!!!! His father was also a very influential person, he had lots of "contacts" in the political comminuty. So, the fact of the matter is, she was raised by her grandparents, who absolutely despised me! Now she is 22 and I find out today that she verbalized to hubby that she wants us to get a divorce. To that he said he told her he wasn't going to. Previously, I have said to him that I am feeling like she doesnt like me, more like she hates my guts. His response was, that isnt true. I said, well, she certainly acts like it. Come on, let's face it it is obvious when a person cant stand you.Whenever she & her boyfreind come over here, they either stay out in the garage with hubby or go next door to the A's house. I ask him what is the big attraction over there for them. He tells me well, his friend likes motorcyles, so does his daughter & her boyfriend that they have things in common. I said, well, I like motorcycles too, in fact I ride one, yet they never come here, they go directly over there. She has been here for hours, literally all day while hubby works on her car, not once does she come in the house, she will stand out in the cold garage freezing (she doesnt tolerate the cold) not even to use the bathroom. Which I find odd, since it is about an hour drive from where they live to our place! The issue I have is not with trying to make her like me. She has been trying to make him choose bewteen us!!!! I am wondering if any one out there has any ESH to share on this subject! It is a tough one. Not only do I have alcohol picking away at my marriage, I have a 22 year old step daughter. Who by the way, I beleive is either an A herself, or on the way. Her boyfriend is a pot head that cant hold down a job. She has him recruited in this crusade to get us divorced! If you ask me the main attraction to the next door neighbors house is beer & pot!! 2 things they won't get from me!!!! Love & hugs XXXX OOOO
A friend of mine came up with a phrase for this "wedging". I have it with the A's mother. Whenever she is around she virtually ignores me. She recently said that she had invited her two sons to visit her. There was, of course, no invite for me. She has never included me much. At one point she was incredibly rude to me. I don't give her the opportunity for it anymore.
I have no doubt she will sing halleujah when the A and I split up. She has no room for them to have relationships. I think the A's mother shows a lot of signs of alcoholism.
I have to detach detach.
I have a great deal of empathy for you. I used to feel incredibly left out by the A's mother. I also used to feel totally ignored by the A. The more I can name the patterns the less they consume me.
True, it's uncomfortable..but she isn't going to convince your husband of anything unless he wants to be convinced. It'd be nice if your husband would give her the talk about "this is our home and my wife, I'd like you to respect both" ...but you can't make him do that either and if she has been fed hatred about you, doubtful that it would do much but create more problems.. The only thing I can suggest is that you don't allow this person to steal your joy. I truly believe we get back the energy that we put out. I would try to put negative thoughts aside and let the ones that are there be hers. Maybe offering her a cup of coffee or cocoa while she's in the garage would be a beginning..Let it begin with me.
When I've found myself in these situations I have to make the call to either offer kindness or make the decision that this person is just too negative to be in my space and I must decide to blind em with butt and keep my serenity .
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Believe it or not, and it may be painful to realize this, but it is none of your business. Speaking from her prospective, she is precieving an enemy that doesn't exist. By trying to amend a situation that isn't yours to amend, you would be creating more problems than you would solve. Moreover, by trying to "Figure her out" you're wasting valuble energy better spent on yourself and your life. The best sermon is a good example. Let her see your program at work through the steps, volunteerism, service work. Kill'er through kindness, as the saying goes. If she is so miserable she would wish a marriage to end, that says more about her than anything else.
Thank you for all your responses. Tiger, you are right on, the amends is hers. And I have been very nice, offered them food, drink, you name it, try to be a graciuos host, but get declined every time, so just don't offer any more. 2 Saturdays in a row they were here, the 1st Sat. Hub spent ALL day working on her car, I stayed in the house, cleaned my horses satll, took care of them, showered, dressed & went out! Said "bye see you later." Went to a coffee shop were one of my f2f group members was performing, 5 other members showed up. I had a wonderful time! his girl is very damaged. I also found out from hub that the grandmother, the ring leader in all this told her that I am nice now after 10 years of brainwashing against me. Not only me, the grandmother told this girl way back wneh she was 5-6 that her mother molested her. I will NEVER forget it, she came up to me in the dining room of the house they lived in at the time, looked up at me & said "my mommy put things up my ...." fill in the blank, it was a word no 5,6,7,8 year old would know. The grandmother dragged her from therapist to therapist to find help for molestations that I feel never occured. I did have a long talk with her great-aunt,one of the supposed molesters. She was appauled & mortified that this so called Christian woman would accuse her. So, there is so much more then just the Debbie's mean. She was not allowed to speak to her own mother, per grandma's orders, not the courts. It is one huge screwed up mess I got myself into!!! This family is DYSFUNCTIONAL! Mine was to, but one a whole lot lesser level!!!!!! Any way, there were words & hub told her & b/friend he didn't condone their conduct toward me, yadda, yadda, he thinks this is the end, I feel it is just the begining. So, the $64,000 question is how do I maintain MY serenity???????????? Work it, work it, work it. I was extremely emotional over finding my horse lying in the snow bank last Sat. with his leg caught up in fence wire, digging in. I think she backed hubs' truck up, saw he animal, chose not to respond. She went back next door with hub & his drinking buddies, getting drunk. I think she did this to hurt me. This is a girl who sprayed window cleaner in her grandfather's cats eyes when she was 6, because grandma hated the cat. I don't know 100% but any child who would do that is capable of that, well, I cant even imagine. So, I was very upset, but I know I have to let it go. I pray for my horses. I know God will watch over them, He has so far. I have plans to finish my degree, I can't let ANYTHING get in the way of that. I have worked too long & hard to let it be ruined by any one!! I have a wonderful support network, HP, you all here @ MIP, my f2f friends, my family. So I cannot & will NOT let these fools ruin my life!! I have been through much adversity & have overcome it!! I will get through this also. One day at a time. And I truly beleive this to be true!!! My HP has been with me on my journey. I just needed to vent & get others perspective! Seems like the A's family members can be just as bad or worse then the A's themselves.lol. Thank you all so, so much for your kindness & loving support. Deb
