Well I think there are many many different people on this board. There are some people who have sober A's, some who don't. There are some people who have left, in the process of leaving, left and gone back.  I don't think it is a majority who've stayed. Who knows I have not actually taken a poll because really that issue no longer consumes me of do I match exactly to others.   Some people do stay for various reasons and work on themselves. There are lots of options, that is the joy of the program. . 

I don't think it is also as cut and dried as stay and give him another chance or run.  There are many many inbetween options that are also just as applicable.  I honor whatever option people take mainly because I have been shoulda woulda coulda most of my life and leapt to please others rather than think about what is right for me at this time.   I think one suggestion and it is a suggestion rather than a rule is to not make drastic changes for a while. Some of that is people like myself who've made drastic changes in the past only to encounter another kind of disaster.  So no one suggests that you jump out of the frying pan into the fire. On the other hand no one says you have to stay either.

I know that can be very confusing because sometimes living with an A I just want someone to give me a blueprint. This is how to do this.  In some ways the irony is that Al anon is a blueprint in some ways of how to live with an active A if you need to, want to or care to but it is also a blueprint for lots of things.  That is why ironically enough the brochure for the 4th step is called blueprint...

The issue is that there isn't an easy answer. Some people do indeed stay and work their program. Then when they do decided to leave they are leaving with the bonus of having the program within them.  They don't feel as alone, devastated and guilty about leaving. Other people stay and find their A's decide to get sober. Some people do get sober, some do make it last. Others run and get into the program when they've got to wherever they are running to. I have heard all those stories and I cna't actually tell you which one works best. They all seem to work in some way for whoever did them.  The issue for me is that I had to find a way that worked for me rather than didn't work for me and only I could do that.  No one else could suggest, mandate or insist that I do it "their" way.   There seems to be no cookie cutter answer on who does and who doesn't have the best life.

Other people like myself make a plan B.  I decide what are my options, if I leave where am I going, what am I going to and I start making decisions and actions that take me there.  For me its a long job.  I've made part of it reaching crucial deadlines and then encountered more obstacles...so I have a long way to go.  There are many many factors that affect me in moving, picking up letting go of my losses.  Emotional support for me is one of them.  I am currently creating an emotional plan b because I got that feedback through this group I wouldn't even have considered it before.  I'm so so familiar with picking myself up by the bootstraps. So for one I can testify to that putting my issues out there got me some interesting feedback, some of which I act on. .  There are generally many many obstacles to going.  For some of us it isn't as easy as leave and take the loss.  For those who choose to leave there is a great great support system here.  Nevertheless many many people have to negotiate how they feel about the A and what they call grief. along the way, after the fact and sometimes before the fact.  This group can help you negotiate whatever you choose and it is your choice..

Many many A's have wonderful charactoristics. They can be warm,loving, sweet and endearing. They can also be very very selfish and totally self absorbed.  Some A's do get into recovery and work on those charactor traits. Some don't. I can't give you the answer on what's bottom for some people.

There are many many many stories here. I find tremendous inspiration in so many of them.  Reading this board helps me daily in my path with or without the A. I know for me personally leaving the A is just one issue. When the A is gone I will still have many codependent issues I need to work on.  He is the source of tremendous frustration, anger and pain for me.  At the same time he's the only thing that got me here. I knew very well I was codependent before meeting him yet nothing propelled me here like the pain he caused me in relationship.  Personally I had to be totally immersed in pain to be willing to change.  Even then I certainly kicked and screamed about it.

This is a place where you can come to where you won't be judged, told what to do,when to do it, how to do it.  There are suggestions in Al-anon and no one mandates you follow them to the letter.  There are people who come here every day and others who drop in. They all make up a wonderful community of support and encouragement and caring.  For me its been proof that I can get it from somewhere and can stop going to as Al-anon suggests going to the butchers to buy bread. I went to the A for emotional support for years, he has none to give.  These days I can let go of that need, craving and obsession.  I do it daily rather than in one full sweep because this relationship had a hold on me that is still tenacious to say the least.

So I hope you do stick around here. Allow people to get to know you. Put out what you are feeling and let yourself have support if you want to or just listen and read if you don't. .  Post replies to people and get to know others journeys they are very diverse and certainly inspiring.  In time whatever decisions you make (and no one will tell you how to make them) will be balanced by a program rather than fear and trepidation and anxiety.


Maresie.

Maresie.

(((leetle)))

You have to do what is right for you. And you know what is so great?  We are entitled to change our minds as often as we like.  I know I do and have for a long.  One day I am like - yea, I am leaving. The next I am like, oh no, I can't do this.  You have to work the program, live day to day and make a plan b.  Know what your options are so if you ever decide it is time to execute them, you can.  But mainly work on you.

Ya know, I am at a point where I know the best thing for me is to kick my AH out.  He is a binge crack addict/alcoholic.  He can go months w/out doing any of those things and then one day, he picks up and leaves w/out so much as a note or a phone call. His most recent binge had him gone for 13 days and $6000 more in debt.  I finally decided the time is right for cutting my losses so to speak.  I have invested 14 years of my life into our marriage and he is ruining it with every binge.  I don't even see him in the same light any more.

And guess what?  With separation papers drawn up,  my own house, my finances completely separated and this last binge, I am still waffling back and forth.  I know that having him leave is the best thing for me & our kids and I try to convince myself it will be the best thing for him too.  But something deep down in my gut is telling me that it will be the worst thing for him.  Maybe that is what he needs but my gut tells me that it will not only be the end of our marriage but the end of this man.  And yes, after he sleeps for a few days after a binge, he turns into the most charming, loving affectionate man.....it breaks my heart.

You do what you have to do for you and your kids.  Let the A deal with his decisions.  You deal w/your own.  Good Luck. We are here for you.

Sincerely,
QOD

 I'm really glad you gave yourself the suggested 6 mos to get into the groove of recovery, to take some time to feel safe within the walls of Al Anon. Now that you've done that it seems like I'm really hearing that you're left with alot of the same questions you came in with. I know often times when I feel as if that I've been left right back where I've started, it's a)because I haven't been listening, or b) because I'm utterly powerless.
 Sometimes there's a combination of these factors at work. I know that when I moved out for good from Dad I felt a huge sense of fear but also a huge sense of relief. I felt as if finally had permission to grieve my father's alcholism. But it also left me with alot of work to do: finally I had to look at me, and in a very indepth way. No longer did I have an excuse about what was going on around me, about my father and all such; I had to go on and just do it. Just make the changes, just do the growing up. Just do it.
 Now, having said this, when I came to realize I was ultimately powerless over a great deal of my life, that at a certain point I had taken all appropriate action that there was to take and that I couldn't do anymore, this was where my life became even more uncomfortable. I'm an action person. And, at times, I can be a controlling person. The reality is, simply put, I get anxious when I've done my part and there's nothing left to do. When I have taken all the appropriate actions on my part and there's nothing left for me to worry about as far as actions, I need to realize that God is at work where I am not.
 This is where your question comes in. You've probably heard me say, who know's how many times, "I've never heard an AA lead that says 'When I got back let into the house, I realized what an a** I was, how much I screwed up, et cet, and I got serious about getting sober;  I can't count how many times I've heard 'When she threw me out, took the kids, the house, the dog the car, I realized I was a capital screw up and got serious about getting sober.'" If you can't help'em up, help'em down, in other words. But before we help anyone at all, we always need to realize, "Have I done everything I can?" Am I working the steps with a sponsor, to the best of my ability? Have I tried to establish a life for myself with the alcholism, not letting it define my life?
 If yes, then you know your side of the street is clean.

((((((((((((((((Leetle))))))))))))))))))))))))),

I am so happy you have decided to give yourself a shot (no pun intended) here in Alanon. I can already see progress since we met. You are doing amazing.

Many things are just "suggestions." I have observed that often times those in a relationship are so torn about what is theirs and what is their A's. My understanding of make no major decisions until at least six months is because we as Alanoners have often made knee-jerk decisions (what we learned as children) or decisions based on highly-charged emotions. More often than not, after the emotions have passed, we often wish we had not done that.

Now that being said (as a very small example) is only a suggestion. Many here have left the relationship with their A (and successfully I might add). I am sure if you've been reading the posts, you can tell who's been successful with their spouses getting sober and into AA, them into Alanon and life is wonderful thereafter.

Then there are those who are living with active A's and yet they have courage and hope.

Then there's someone like me who decided after growing up an A and then marrying an ACOA, I realized I can't do it anymore. I can't wait for the "what ifs." I can't wait for the relapses (Alanoners have them too when they decide they are cured, IMHO). I want to live now not just survive. It hasn't been an easy road for me, but it's been one filled with cleansing tears, forgiving myself first and then others, joy, hope, and a lot of fun.

I often tell others who ask "It's everything about the alcohol and nothing about the alcohol" regarding relationships. Meaning, to me, that alcohol is a symptom (a huge one) of someone looking to numb themselves from life and life's foibles. I say come to Alanon, though we are not promised a "perfect life," I have seen through experience, strength, courage and hope that others learn how to "cope" with life's bumps along the way.

(Wow, this is long ) at any rate Leetle, follow your heart, if it's been over for a long time and you know it and have made that decision, only you can know what to do. Only you will live with the decision you make.

Though I live alone, my life is full and rich. I have a wonderful, beautiful relationship with my sons (who are older). I have a great relationship with my estranged. We both have made huge sacrifices for our children. We are on the same page relative to what's best for them. I have Alanon (both face to face here). I have the most awesome friendships with so many here and in chat. I have a job that pays the bills (I always want more money ). I am working on myself so that when I choose my next "whoever," I will be making a healthy choice and I will be healthy myself.

Keep coming friend, keep coming,
Maria