The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since Labor Day, I have worn a "Wish Bracelet". I bought it at the campground when we went to Michigan to see baby granddaughter. It was braided cotton cord with 5 tan colored beads. When I put it on, I made a wish, and supposedly, when the bracelet wore off, your wish would come true. It didn't. I have always been a devoted "wish" maker. I have wished on falling stars, on necklace clasps turned around, on coins tossed into every lake, river, stream, fountain, and pond I have been near. Even tossed pennies into Niagara Falls on our honeymoon. In Lake Erie on our 6th anniversary when we went to Put-In_Bay. I make a wish on birthday candles when I blow them out. Two years ago on my birthday, (he knows I am a chronic wish-er) my husband even gave me a card that said "make a wish..birthday wishes come true." I have made the same wish every single time. You would think that sometime, just maybe, wishes would come true. Especially when you have done everything in your power to help them along. They don't. This morning, just after my husband left with me standing in the snow covered driveway in my bare feet and wearing a bathrobe, calling after him but he would not look at me, my Wish Bracelet fell off. That is when it hit me..... My wish is never going to come true. I know you are not supposed to tell what I wish is, because supposedly that jinxes it. But, I'm going to tell you. It is apparent that the same wish I have made EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. since 1986 (21 years) is never going to come true for me. All I was wishing is that he would care about me. Would love me, as much as I do him. To be there for me. To take care of me when I am sick, to talk to me when I am scared. To tell me I look nice, to acknowledge ME. To be my partner, to work and play together thru our lifetimes. To just be beside me. I didn't think it was too much to ask. Apparently it was. I decided today that I will never make that wish again. Never, ever, again. It's not just the bracelet, it is all the other times, all the hope, prayers, plans. They have all been in vain. I have been married too many times, but this is the only time I have ever "been in love". I was even married for a while to a man who adored me, worshiped the ground I walked on, would have done anything for me....but I did not love him. I love my husband, and I just wanted him to care about me, too. I am feeling very, very sad. And very, very foolish. And alone. I hate alcoholism. Love, Becky1
Oh, Becky, your post breaks my heart too. I can't tell you how many times I was out there putting my all into my A only to realize I wasn't even a shadow in his thoughts. I loved him with all my heart but his just sort of faded away, or at least that's how it feels. People will ask us why we stay. Sincerely Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 14:16, 2007-02-11
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Reading this post brings tears to my eyes.........makes me hurt with you. But, I do know it can get better. Please take care of you........do special things just for you. And know that I care and I am thinking about you.
I feel heart broken to read your post. I can relate very much. I do not have the same longevity in relationship you do. I have also had experience of feeling cared for by others and finding it very difficult to accept. I want to work on that because I deserve it.
I don't wish so much for the A anymore. I wish for me to have peace sobriety and kindness.
I am sorry you don't have that. I don't have it either.The A was his usual "me me me me and more me" last night and I ended up getting angry. I am human.
We are human, we can have desires, we can grieve but we can also let go and sometimes I just have to let go of the a's acting out and take care of me.
