The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading a post from another board member and this line came to me,
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
This was one of the ways I have learned to apply me program. I am AWARE that the A in my life will lie to me if I ask, confront etc. anything having to do with his addictions, which on some days can be most everything. I have ACCEPTED that this is the way it is. Now it is up to me to take ACTION, I cannot change him, the fact that he will lie if asked. I can only change me. So today, I do not ask.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. (he will lie) Courage to change the things I can. (don't put myself in a position to be lied to/myob) and The Wisdom to know the difference.
I can very much relate to this. I have stopped quizzing the A so much. A month ago he swore up and down he did not get a speeding ticket. Today the letter arrived. Before I would have opened it and somehow felt in control "knowing' but I knew when he told me he was stopped.
I do find it a relief to know that he has always lied rather than try to second guess, control and find out what he means. I don't ask about as much anymore.
I "live and let live". Some days I do better than others. I am doing better today because I did not spend that much time with the A. Emotional space helps and I need to create more of it.
I think the hardest thing I've ever had to learn in my recovery is actually Newton's laws of physics: "A body at rest will remain at rest until an outside force moves it; A body in motion will remain in motion until an outside force stops it; For every action a body takes, there is an equal and opposite reaction that will be taken against that body." You never thought that physics and hard science applied to emotions and feelings? Neither did I. But it made sense after awhile. Nothing I could say to my parents would make them see the truth about our home; about what they had done to me; they would always, and will always, blame me. I've been blamed for the alcholism; the violence; the insanity; the poverty. Alternatively, until I came to al anon, I, too, blamed: my school, my teachers, my friends, everything under the sun except the most obvious. My parents drank like fish. A person that has a habit will keep up that habit until they are forced to change (Statements 1 & 2); people under the direct results of the habit will react against and with it (Statement 3). It's okay that you're hurting. It's okay that you're grieving. It's okay. Feelings are good. Feelings are a part of human-ness. I'm glad you're sharing them here. Keep us posted.
Amen!!! I too live by this rule. I learned a long time ago that my AH will not tell me the truth when he knows it will make me mad or make him look bad. So to avoid this conflict I just don't ask. I already know what the answers are so why force him to lie to me about it?
I quit asking him where he has been, who was he with, how much money did you spend, when will you be home......and the many other controlling questions I used to ask him and he used to lie to me about. He would give me whatever answer he felt I was looking for just to shut me up.
That part of my life is over now. I don't need him to tell me what I already know for myself.
Thanks for sharing. Hope all is well for you there.
