The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, it isn't fair to involve my AFG in the drama of my Momma w/o telling you how it all came down. Woohoo, how it all came down...of course, in light of it's been almost a week since she was here, the real deal is that, to be straight, there's more drama 'round these parts than on Broadway--and for free! Grab your tickets and your treats every1! The curtain is goin' up! Saturday I made it a point to go to water aerobics. Of course I was obsessing the whole time, but that was okay, I was in kickboxing class...however I was kicking myself. In class. In the water. The bruises are starting to go away, but yeah, that gives you an idea of how upset I was over the whole fiasco. No sooner have I gotten out of class than mom calls--she wants the car. She wants the car because, even though she's got a car, she's just now done with her hair appt in Fairborn, and she's riding all the way down to Moraine to pick up my step dad "See how we could have had private time together? We could've talked and all that stuff Sarah!" I didn't know I WANTED private time with you, mom... We agree to meet at Waffle House and from the get go it felt like I was being raked over the coals. First it was "Why didn't you just say that you were gonna use your car today? I would've understood! I would've been okay with compromise!" (Didn't I try to do that? I thought--I KNOW!--I tried to compromise with you over the car thing!) Then it was "Have you gotten any grades back? Do you know about any of your grades?" (Ever notice how midterms take EONS to get graded? EONS! I swear!) But, oh, she dropped some doozies! First doozy: she and dad had talked. Like humans. About me. Yea! Finally! My parents are acting like adults! Mericles occur! Then...the caveat: Dad apparently was quite upset that I hadn't been availible at the house for him to do whatever. "Mom, I made explicitly clear to dad at the very beginning of this quarter that I was carrying 3 writing intensive credit classes, and that I would get to the house when I could, but I couldn't make any promises." Mom: "Do you see why that would upset your dad? That he can't depend on you for help?" Me: "Well mom, in light of the fact that dad's usually under the influence of some narcotic, keeps a loaded gun at his disposal, has threatened my life before, and has actually held a knife up to my throat, telling me that he is willing to kill me, I don't have much of a problem making myself scarce for my own safety." Mom: "Well, if you did what he said, do you think he would threaten to kill you?" Excuse me? Do I have wax buildup in my ears or did this lady actually just say what I think she just said? That by doing my chores I can garentee my safety with a violent narco addict?! Unfortuneately this is where my stepdad got into the argument, saying maybe on the days I couldn't make it I could call him, leave a note, page him, do something, just to keep him in the loop. "I've done that," I explained, "I've done everything you've ever suggested I do to keep up a relationship with him, but the reality is that when he doeesn't get what he wants, he gets violent. There's no two ways about it." To which he said "You know, I realize your dad's temperment is given to controlling--" "Controlling!" I said, "He tells me when to eat, how to eat, when to dress, what to wear, who to talk to, what to say...short of actually dressing me himself, he's as controlling as they come!" You could see the discomfort on his face, but then he said "Well you know that's how he expresses love, right?" Tell me I'm hearing things, somebody! A drug and alchol councelor in training just said that controlling is a form of love?! Somehow, then, the topic got around to the fact that I was in therapy. Am in therapy. Will. Be. There. For. Awhile. (Whatever!) Mom came out and said, "At some point Sarah you're gonna have to let go of the anger. I mean, your child hood wasn't ideal. But it's not like you were really abused or something like that. You weren't batted around or something like that." Ohhhhh lady, we're going for a throwdown now. Did we live in the same house? Are we talkin' about the same family? Where were you lady? Thank god for all of the tools all of you taught to me. Because through out these doozies I said nothing. I just didn't know what to say.
If mom just out right denied and justified, dad just rationalized. All that night, he called. And called. And callled. Leaving the most hateful messages on my phone: "WEll I'm glad you're alive. I'm sorry I might be dead, but since you didn't come to the house to see if I was, you wouldn't know one way or the other. You obviously don't care, so whatever! I hope you go far far far far far away from here and I never hear from you again." " I didn't know what to say. I just didn't. I mean, what is there to say to someone when they talk to you like this? "I wish you'd far far far far away from here and never hear from you again?" Why not just say "I wish you'd die?" These are the days, for you newcomers wrestling with "the disease" idea, that I have trouble buying it too--are you gonna tell me that because "he's sick" he gets a free ride? A "oh he's got a disease" pass? Hell to the N-O! And mom! Oh wow-ee!! This is where I too wrestle with the "sicker than the alcholic" disaster--so because "she's sick" SHE gets a pass? Hell to the N-O! Just because someone's sick (and she HAS to be--look at some of what she's said!) DOES NOT give them a free pass in my book! I realize that there's really nothing anyone can say. I'm not looking for pity, approval or anything else. I just wanted those of you who reached out to me the weeks before mom drove down to know how it all went down and to thank you so much for reaching out to me. It meant alot and I couldn't have done it without you. ((AFG)) Thanks so much again.
All I can say is Wow!! That's two plate fulls that I agree would say please take it back to the chef and get me a new order, but since they're family I guess we can't do that.
I have to agree with you, so where does it say if I have this disease I get a free pass to say and do as I please. I'm allowed to hurt, abuse, and manipulate cause I'm sick? You make a good point about the Alanoner being sicker than the A, its not an excuse. My A's mother uses a great deal of denial to justify the behaviors still going on in her home and with her kids. I'm thankful I have this program to push that bull aside, that insanity slowly melts away. Some days I cannot believe what I hear come out of my A's mouth. I think you handled it great, cause honestly I wouldn't know what to say to that either. I think you have a good handle on what's real in your life, hold on to what works for you.
Living Life One Day At A Time, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Just because it's a disease, doesn't mean we have to accept unacceptable behaviour. And you're not! You are getting your education, living your own life, getting yourself healthy, reaching out for that better future. They can throw all this at you, but you don't have to pick it up - it can just lie there on the floor, stinking.
I just don't know what to say. I am only just starting to get to know you, piece your story together. And all I can say is HUGS TO YOU!!!
It is difficult dealing with parents even when there isn't any "disease" involved. My parents are not alcoholics /addicts of any kind.....well maybe they are - my dad is severly addicted to food - he is less than 6' and weighs 375 pounds. My mom is what my AH likes to call a "Feeder". My AH says she is trying to kill my father by continueing to feed him the way she does. My mom has obsessive compulsive disorder and she really likes her BIG GLASS of WINE a night. But with all of that in mind, I have never really considered myself dealing with any kind of addict for parents. None of our problems ever stemmed from the over eating or the glasses of wine (no matter how big they are). None the less, they are difficult to say the least as I believe most parents can be. I am a parent and I can sure be difficult to my kids sometimes.
I guess I just wanted to say I am sorry that you are frustrated. I have no advice in how to deal with the parents but it sounds like you are doing pretty well. Find your serenity and remember that you are loved. Keep your chin up. We are here for you. :)
I can relate a great deal to your share. I am glad you are here sharing. I feel far far less alone when I am in this room. My parents lived and died in denial. I once confronted them and got a letter from my elder sister in much the same mode as your mother behaves.
I applaud your honesty and courage to confront the unfathomable.
((AWESOME AFG)) Thanks guys that you took the time to read my griping and reply! And again, thanks for reminding me the week before of some smart boundry tools to implement!
Awwww honey, we really truly can never ever stop the train. We can however get the hell off of the tracks. Sounds like ya did well in all of the midst of that dysfunction. lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
((((((((((((((((((tigger)))))))))))))))))) sorry you are going through all this with your dysfunctional family! All I can say is YOUR AWESOME and I love ya I have learned tons from you. You have wisdom,love,encouragement,and you really really work your program and it SHOWS!!!!!!!!!
you did great, sug, now to move forward from the nonsense. glad you were able to get some of that poison out of your head and onto this paper/post.
you are a blessing to me, and probably to others in program - i hope you can fill some of that void from your family of origin with knowing you are loved for you by healthy (or getting healthy) others.
(((hugs))) cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you for sharing. I hope that releasing those frustrations here helps you as much as knowing I am not alone in being affected by family denial and dysfunction helps me.
I think you handled it really well, good on you, I know the pressure that people in denial can put on you, it has happened to me, I put up with an awful situation for years because of such sick passes etc and I have to say to you, well put, I can truly identify with the cop-out these badly behaved people employ. Don't stoop to it, and keep your excellant behaviour up, I know I would have flipped.
Thank you so much for your post. You handled that all so well. My mother was in denial for years about my AH behavior. It really hurt. Still does sometimes. Helps to know I'm not alone. You inspire me to try harder to keep my cool when it counts.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Grab your tickets and your treats every1! The curtain is goin' up!
The bruises are starting to go away, but yeah, that gives you an idea of how upset I was over the whole fiasco. No sooner have I gotten out of class than mom calls--she wants the car. She wants the car because, even though she's got a car, she's just now done with her hair appt in Fairborn, and she's riding all the way down to Moraine to pick up my step dad "See how we could have had private time together? We could've talked and all that stuff Sarah!" 
I didn't know I WANTED private time with you, mom...
Yea! Finally! My parents are acting like adults! 
Mericles occur! Then...the caveat: Dad apparently was quite upset that I hadn't been availible at the house for him to do whatever. "Mom, I made explicitly clear to dad at the very beginning of this quarter that I was carrying 3 writing intensive credit classes, and that I would get to the house when I could, but I couldn't make any promises." Mom: "Do you see why that would upset your dad? That he can't depend on you for help?" Me: "Well mom, in light of the fact that dad's usually under the influence of some narcotic, keeps a loaded gun at his disposal, has threatened my life before, and has actually held a knife up to my throat, telling me that he is willing to kill me, I don't have much of a problem making myself scarce for my own safety." Mom: "Well, if you did what he said, do you think he would threaten to kill you?" 
Do I have wax buildup in my ears or did this lady actually just say what I think she just said? That by doing my chores I can garentee my safety with a violent narco addict?! 
A drug and alchol councelor in training just said that controlling is a form of love?! 
(Whatever!) Mom came out and said, "At some point Sarah you're gonna have to let go of the anger. I mean, your child hood wasn't ideal. But it's not like you were really abused or something like that. You weren't batted around or something like that." 
Did we live in the same house? Are we talkin' about the same family? Where were you lady? 
I didn't know what to say. I just didn't. I mean, what is there to say to someone when they talk to you like this? "I wish you'd far far far far away from here and never hear from you again?" Why not just say "I wish you'd die?" 
These are the days, for you newcomers wrestling with "the disease" idea, that I have trouble buying it too--are you gonna tell me that because "he's sick" he gets a free ride? A "oh he's got a disease" pass? Hell to the N-O! 
