The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have so much to get of my chest, so I will write it here, maybe this will help.
David, if I could only see you one more time, what would I do. Hug you, hold you cry. Yell scream, slap, beat your chest. Would I recognize you, would you me. Would you walk forward, or turn your head.
I would tell you all you have missed, ask you so many questions.
But most I would tell you I love you dear brother.
Do you even know you are hurting yourself, or are you beyond it? Do you know you are hurting your family? Are you trying to hurt us ? Do you care?
I worry if your teeth are hurting, what will you do if you get a toothache. I worry you will die in the cold. I worry you have no where to shower, and you will smell sooooo bad. I worry you will get sick, and not be able to afford the medicine to help you. I worry that your son will one day start looking for his Pa, will find me, and ask where you are, what am I to tell him. I worry that you dirty your underpants, and smell, and can't change them I worry that you are cold, lonely, wishing you were somewhere warm I worry that you get sick eating from garbage I worry you get sick from smoking the remains of other peoples cigarettes How is your hair, do you have bugs, do you shave, if so, where Do people come and feed you Have you made friends with other homeless people I worry someone will hurt you
I wonder if you think about us I wonder if you wish you had a home I wonder if you even wish you could stop what you are doing I wonder if you will ever get help I wonder if you remember ever having a real life I wonder if the other homeless have family, worrying about them
I have so many emotions, I'm angry at you, the way you live, you are killing yourself, and it is hurting us so to see. I wish you were little again, maybe I could change your outcome. I'm angry at myself for letting you get to my emotions. Sometimes I wish you were dead so I wouldn't have to worry. Then I feel guilty. When I thought you were dead it was horrible, now I will never know.
I started al-anon, wish you would go to AA, or a shelter, then AA, a home for homeless, a home for people with addictions, get better.
Now I'm thinking if you were dead, I would be better, so would you. BUT I would be even better off, then I would still have all the "wonders" but NOT the worries. I'm TIRED of worry!!!
Aloha Eve...I feel your remorse and sadness. Loving an alcoholic/addict seems somewhat like having a stroke and heart attack that keeps going on and on hurting and brusing us but not killing us yet.
Letting go and letting God is not abandonment or dessertion. It's putting my self in the proper caring position. It's love and respect and dignity giving. That's not easy to see now but as you keep coming back, listen and learn and practice it will come to you with a new sense of freedom and understanding and you will be happy regardless of whether or not David is still using or not; drinking or not.
I think I'll go sit with my HP for a while and talk with my HP about your situation.
Just wanted to say I hate you are dealing with this pain and sorrow. I could relate to so many of the things you said. I, too, have felt so of those same things about my loved ones that suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
Please take special care of you - You are special & never forget to be kind to yourself.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can relate to wishing the A was over so I did not have to deal with him anymore. I can also understand the cumulation of frustration, anger, rage and grief. I have been there. There are times when I can detach and other times I feel so glued to the issue. I can detach more these days from the triggers but nevertheless living around addiciton (which I've done most of my life) is tremendously draining.
I am sending you a prayer, and one for your brother. I too have all of these worries. My situation is different. But, I pray I can let go of my A, and trust in his higher power to guide him and hope that my higher power will guide me. The worry and guilt have prevented me thus far...
david's brother.... I can also relate to what you said on so many levels. The special feeling we have as a sibling is very different from a parent or a partner or a friend I think? For me, any ways, I think it is. I too have a brother who is an addict. He has been for so many years. We BOTH grew up in the same household and I really wonder how he turned out so much differently than me. But, I do understand him to a point. I know he's not a bad guy. But I totally don't get the choices he makes and continuous cycle he keeps himself in. I very much have felt the wishing he wasn't around at times because then I wouldn't have to worry about him. I have some relief when he is in jail because then I know he's ok and safe. I'm scared he won't get help. I'm scared he will ask for help because after so many years of hurt, I can't help him. I'm scared not to help. I'm angry too. Why did I get a brother like this. Hope you find some comfort in knowing that I too feel the same way about my brother.
