The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Any other people pleasers here? It is really starting to annoy me, I say I won't do this but there I go again. I'm sure it is all about insecurity, and fear and all that good stuff. When it hapens at work, I feel like such a looser. I've done a forth step in AA, but have not looked at it from this side. Is it different? All I know is I have to change something, cause I feel like I'm going crazy.. Anyhow, just looking for some experience with this. Thanks..
Hi Gimmpy and welcome. Yep, I have always had a hard time saying, "No." I am beginning to be able to do it, but I admit, with a pang or so of guilt. I just keep practicing. They say that makes perfect - also gets you to Carnegie Hall!! Just proves you are concerned about others...to a fault. Is it insecurity or fear? Possibly. I prefer to think not. Take it easy on yourself. There are lots of us out here who understand, and please do not think you are a loser.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
There are worse things in life than being a people pleaser...take it from a real doormat with no spine, lol. So long as you're true to yourself. Taken me a long time to learn to do something just for me...and I still rarely do that. Maybe this is the reason I stay with the A, wouldn't want to make any waves or have someone not like me.
I agree - there are worse things. It is something that needs to be worked on, because I believe it keeps us from living the full and happy life we should - we are busy pleasing others and lose sight of our own selves. But, it's not like being an abuser or a thief....
I try to work on it in little steps, myself. Yesterday at work, I talked to my boss about some money stuff - I believe I am owed a certain amount, she says no. We left it unresolved. Today, I was really tempted to just tell her forget it, it's ok, don't bother, just so she would be happy with me. But, I didn't. I didn't bring it up at all. I know that when it is brought before the board I will get what I want, so it isn't even a matter of having to fight for it - the main person I have to fight is myself, my own impulse to sell myself short. So, for today, just not going there at all was a triumph.
Sometimes I almost have to physically hold myself in my seat, so I won't jump up and do someone else's work for them. I don't always succeed, but sometimes I do!
first I want to say that it's kinda funny that I spelled loser wrong.. anyhow, thanks for the reply's all. I've had a though time getting back on track mentally since I relapsed awhile back, I had 3 years.. I live with a sobber husband and my daughter is using and grew up in an alcoholic crazy home.. I wish I have learned my lesson.. But when thinks came up, it sounded like a good idea. so I guess I need to forgive myself and move on.. Again thanks all.
I think you can safely tell that you are definately among friends here. But if I can make a suggestion about people pleasing before you give yourself burns while you rake yourself over the coals, I came to see that a huge reason I people pleased was that I was raised in an evirons that if one of my parents was drunk, I was blamed for it. Therefore, I was taught to believe that I had the power to control their disease (which, obviously, I don't). So, I came to believe that if I kept them happy, I could keep them from drinking; when they drank, therefore, I made the mistaken connection that I had failed them somehow, and, being as they were fairly miserable with themselves already, they were more than happy to re inforce this belief by blaming me for their misery ("If you hadn't..." "If only you'd..." "Why didn't you..."). Perhaps by looking for patterns from this prospective, you may gain more insight into your patterns of people pleasing and gain a sense of freedom from it.
