The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I'm ready to give my A husband a choice. I know choice is just a fancy word for ultimatum, and ultimatums generally don't work (see all the wonderful replies to my previous post), but this is for myself and the kids.
We had a big family weekend this weekend at my parents' house. They live about two hours away, so we spent the weekend. I had asked my husband ahead of time to please behave himself. I know that usually doesn't work either, but hey... these are my parents who are in their 80's. I've protected them so far, I thought I could forever, I guess.
Anyway, my husband basically was impaired most of the weekend. Sometimes it was minor, and only the kids and I could tell, but this morning he was staggering around my parents' kitchen, and my dad just looked at my mom and said, "Look at him... he's staggering." Well my dad asked me what was going on, and I just looked at my folks and said, "Your son-in-law has a drinking problem, and it's been a big concern for four or five years." Well... my dad told me he wasn't surprised, he had suspected something was wrong... I felt terrible having to tell them all this. My dad told my husband while we were leaving to not come back unless he was clean. I don't think it really computed with my husband. I did discover his bottle - he drank one "official" drink in front of me Sunday night - he almost finished the rest "on the sly".
Why is this possibly the straw that broke the camel's back? Because he has taken the joy of going home away from me. The last few times I was on pins and needles... "Is he drinking?" "Can they tell?" I know I obviously haven't detached, but it's hard to enjoy yourself when you're worried about your brothers, sister, elderly parents, nephews... seeing your husband drunk!
My kids are sick and tired of this. Every weekend is the same - he putzes in the garage in the mornings and sleeps away the rest of the day. We don't do anything as a family, nothing that I can't do around the house gets accomplished, and when he is awake we fight.
I am considering telling him tomorrow (when I know he's sober) that I'll give him until the end of the month to make serious strides in getting help or I will ask him to leave. If he doesn't leave, either I will or I will start legal separation proceedings. This sounds rash, maybe, but I need peace in my life - one way or another. I am more than willing to do anything I can to help him help himself, but he is not even admitting that he drinks too much at this point. Although he didn't say much when I held up his almost-empty bottle.
I know I've done a lot wrong here - Al Anon wise, but maybe I'm just not strong enough to do the program. I will start back at f2f meetings this week - I've haven't been able to go for a while.
Words of wisdom are appreciated - whatever they are...
Biggest words of wisdom I can come up with are - don't bluff. Only make a choice that you are willing to live with, and always be prepared to hear that he will choose booze over you, if that is what it comes down to.
For me, I found that it was better just to not include him in things where his being drunk would ruin it for me. No point in keeping up a facade of happy, functional family. It's too important to face reality. In this case, your parents saw him drunk, you admitted there was a problem, and guess what? The sky did not fall. People who love you did not stop loving you. All that time you have spent worrying over whether anyone knew was wasted - you could have been reaching out for help and support instead. If I was you, I wouldn't let it stop me visiting my parents even one little bit, just don't take him.
What I keep telling myself is "say what you mean ...mean what you say...but don't say it mean." My ex AH never ever believed he had a problem with drinking ... he always told me "I don;t have a problem...you do." He was right ..... "he" didn't have a problem with his drinking ..he enjoyed every bit of it...he loved it. "I" did have a problem with it..... and I had a problem with myself too ..... I didn't realize how bad my problems were until al-anon though. Unfortunately, my ex died with his disease at age 51. Unfortunately his disease was passed to our children ..... and my disease of al-anon also was passed. We were married 19 yrs and divorced 7 yrs before his death. I never learned how to "say what I meant" while we were married. In fact I know now that what I did say then was wrong ... and otherwise, I actually didn't know what to say. We were both very ill. Fortunately, my God is showing me the way to freedom...one step at a time.
i don't have anything to add--the posts from lin and irish are very wise--just know that I, like the others, are here for ya, and I, along with the others have had this circumstance that is yours in our lives.
much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can definitely relate to the urgency, the sense of being totally fed up to the back gills and the shame associated dealing with someone who is in the throes of alcoholism. I also know what it is to give ultimatums. I gave the A tons in my time. I also got in tons of arguments with him. These days I don't argue. I also don't put up with a lot.
I think its a long hard road to get on your own. I am not sure you have done the analysis of what it would mean to suppor the household on your own. I also think its vital not to do stuff on the rebound from a binge. I know my life with the A has been over react, spiral into over react and more. These days when I am in over react mode I make a huge effort not to confront or fight with the A. I go away talk to people and re-group.
I think that is what is meant to me for say what you "mean". When I've done the analysis, made a plan b, I can look at what does it mean to be without the A in my life. What would separating look like. I also have had to look at that I did not have an emotional plan b. I do not have enough support in my life emotionally at the moment in al anon or outside to negotiate certain issues. I had support, I had other codependent people who enabled me and supported my acting out.
Whenever I have an urge to confront, say ultimatums and more I sit on them these days. The A does plenty to make me angry I don't respond in the same way I used to because the over react cycle is so hard for me to jump out of once I am in it. In fact I'd say for the last 6 years I have been there night and day most of the time. I can go there in a second without al anon. I would urge you to make a comprehensive plan b for yourself rather than act on emotions right now which of course are running high. Of course they are running high you have had a really difficult time. Get together with people in al anon or outside and iron out your plan b. refine it, work on it. I find the more I work on plan b the less I need to make ultimatums I have a path in front of me. I know my path may not be one others approve of but since I've been in alanon what other people think of me and my path is my business only not everyone else's.
One way the A I live with deals with stuff is he leaves for a while. He then comes back with his own ultimatums. That creates a whole chaos cycle of its own. So for me keeping out of the chaos is essential.
Get all your ducks in a row. That might take a while, patience is hard for those of us new in al-anon. Then execute your ultimatum or whatever but get them in the row first. Analyze what you need in your life what you can put in place and don't shoulda coulda woulda yourself in the interim.
