The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not spoken to my AH since December 26 because of a heated falling out and I made a conscience decision to completely detatch from him and my life has been so much better since then, not perfect but so much more peaceful.
After going to my first Al-Anon meeting and reading posts here I am wondering if I need to let my AH know that while I will never accept his behaivor and addiction, I do love him and that if and/or when he seriously wants to face his alcoholisim and take the steps necessary to do so, I would support him 100% and that the kids and I still love him very much. Is informing him of this necessary?
Part of me feels that if he at least knew that there was still hope within me and our kids he would have something to hold on to, but another part of me thinks he wouldn't even care what I have to say. Anyone have any thoughts or go through this themselves?
((kellygirl)), that is another tough decision & one only you can decide what is best for yourself
These are just some questions that can help me make those type decisions -
1. Am I expecting a certain reaction from my A when i tell him this info? that could set up a potential resentment - either way - from me or him - you meant it pure in heart - he takes as you are still trying to control me & make stop drinking
2. What will happen if i do or don't say this statement to him? Will it really make a difference to him? to me?
3. Can i write it in a letter form to avoid personal contact if personal isn't safe for my well-being?
4. Am i just feeling a little unrealistic guilt because my life is actually a little better without him & his is a little worse?
None of these may apply to you - they did to me - this is just some of the questions i put my actions thru - even after 3 1/2 yrs in recovery i still can get back into unhealthy behaviors unless i use some guidelines & talk about it with someone who can see it from a healthier perspective.
Possibly again look to your HP for guidance in this area -
Glad you are enjoying your meetings -
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
i think i would have to look at my motives for making contact and opening myself up to my ah. i have done exactly what you want to do. i did it with expectations. i expected him to accept my love and forgivness. or i expected him to feel guilty and beg me for forgiveness seeing as i was such a saint as to offer my forgiveness in the first place (lol!). or i wanted some attention from him. none of these reasons ever worked out the way i had planned. but when i had detatched enough from him i was able to let him know that the kids still loved and needed him and i would always care. i said it without expectations. and he continued to drink and drug for awhile. but when he stopped he knew that the kids were here for him and i think that helped re-establish a relationship with them because he knew that thru it all they loved him and wanted him to be well. i then got to another point in my recovery when i realized or came to accept that his relationship with the kids is none of my business. my job is to keep the kids safe but beyond that he is their father and how they feel about him is not mine to dictate. so good luck. the disease rips families apart and anything we can do to make the pain less is a miracle.
Thank you Rita and Serendipity...sage advice, for sure. My only concern is the way our last encounter went...it was so emotionally draining and toxic on both sides, I feel I at least want him to know that I have not given up on him or our marriage. Is this possible to convey to him?
please excuse me for assuming you know all the abbreviations, sorry about that. HP is Higher Power - whom ever you choose to call your God or the God of your understanding.
please always keep asking if i use initials that you aren't familiar with.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
In pondering over my question this morning, I have decided to leave it alone. One, because it probably wouldn't phase him anyhow, and two, if he isn't strong enough to ask me if the kids and I still care and love him, he probably isn't strong enough to do what it takes to become whole again anyway....thanks for letting me vent
In one of the "Getting them Sober" books, can't remember which one, it says, "It's harder than you think to get rid of an alcoholic". Most of them tend to trade on the affection others have for them, well past the point where is is given freely. In other words, he probably assumes that you still care for him, and will try to use that in some way, when he needs to. So, no hurry, you can tell him exactly how you feel then. They also tend to go by past performance -if you have blown up in the past but then caved once you weren't mad anyomore, he knows that.
Well I can certainly understand missing the A. I know when I have separated from the A in the past he was always on the periphery. I felt his absence very keenly. I am usually the one who concedes to the A because I have had horrible abandonment issues. The A has very rarely conceded to me. He does occasionally say "thank you". For him that is a concession.
I can't really advise you what to say. I do know that setting mandates doesn't usually work unless you mean it. I also know that I personally have to do a ton of work before I even speak to the A when I am vulnerable. Managing my vulnerabilty like managing my emotions is huge for me. I can be a real push over.
