The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i was just sitting here minding my own business when........, my husband walked in last night with our one year old grandaughter. i looked at him and i said, ''what's this?'' i was feeling exhausted but quite proud of myself because i had managed to straighten up the house and cook a nice roast beef supper. he looked at me sheepishly and said, ''well daughter has to work tomorrow and so i brought her home with me.'' i am thinking, what has happened to those back up sitters she is always threatening me with? [she has the strangest way of asking me to babysit........, if you don't watch her for me i am sure i can get somebody who less responsible to do it for me.''] anyway, i knew i was in for a long night. while husband ate the beautiful roast beef supper, i went to bath baby. while husband crawled into bed in the family room, i stayed up ALL night with crying teething baby. when i did go down to family in the morning room for a diaper i tripped on the baby gate. he yelled at me. i untangeld my foot from the gate and went back to bedroom, where baby promptly peed in my bed. husband gets up like he is some kind of hero because he is going to take the teething, crying, pee pee baby off my hands. by now, i am so dizzy from medication i am on for sore back and neck, i haven't slept all night and i am wondering......, ''what is it goint to take?'' i have just had an accident, it is so obvious i am in pain and not feeling well, and, he and my dalughter decided for me that i was going to watch this child while daughter slept a nice comfortable night away in her home, and, husband is nicely curled up in the family nodding the night away. soooooooooooo, i told him i didn't appreciate his yelling at me this morning. he says........, ''well, uhhh, i'm sorry. you woke me up. Geeesh, i can't say anything around here [he whines], and i get in trouble. i just won't talk ever again.'' i am looking at this 58 year old child in disbelief, and, soflty said, '' no, you are not sorry you yelled at me. you are sorry i said anything about it.''. and under my breath i mumble ..........., ''uh huh, like having you never talk to me again is really goiing to bother me. another promise he won't keep.'' [at this point i honestly giggled] anyway, he goes out for his smoke, comes back in sheepishly, and hands me a coffee. ''you are going to have to take her back to daughters house and watch her there. i am very sick [dizzy, nauseaus, and in pain] and i just cannot do this. he said. ''yeah, i know.'' and, he is gone now. i cannot believe how far we have slipped as a family. when i can have a car accident, people say ''i am luckey to be alive'', and, before the week is out........., my family wants me to mind their own business for them!!!!!!![ and the cycle of dysfunction continues] uggh, i feel so sick today. and, i am angry. which is a good thing for me, usually, i would be feeling quilty for telling him to take baby home, because i am in to much pain to care for her. now, i have to go make my bed. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr............., maybe i should just wait until he gets home and have him make it for me.
what INSANITY this is.
STEP TWO.
CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES COULD RESTORE US TO SANITY
blessings to my friends in recovery, and, thanks, as always , through posting here i can sort out what is going on in my head. and, your replies often help put things in perspective for me.
no kidding !!!!!!! until i actually saw what you wrote. ''you know what's even more insane ? doing what they want.'' it never even occurred to me to say NO. i am almost afraid of how STUPID i have become. can i change? will i change? when ?
sometimes, i don't even know what i am doing is insane. i have been doing it for so long.
jewel....you can change...you are changing...you are doing amazing things it seems to me. being blown about in a storm of a moment(especially with a crying baby in the middle of the night!) is only natural....we will be rattled and tossed...but you found your self centered again in a short amount of time and asked for what you needed. good work. i feel for you when you say you don't even know when you are acting insanely because you have been doing it for so long....i know that place well these days and it is hugely unsettling for me....be gentle with your analysis of your self....it has helped me remember that there are reasons we do what we do, even if we want to change it, the reasons from long long ago or today have to have their place of respect somehow. I sure hope your back feels better soon. Love fifi
It occurs to me Christy is right on the money. But there's something bigger at stake here. I can't recall any job having a pre requisite that its employees have had a full night's sleep. I also can't recall any job that really invested itself emotionally about whether or not its employees had children under three. So what's really bothering me here Jewlery isn't that you got taken advantage of--you have enough recovery to come and own your part and ask for feed back. No, it's that your husband and your daughter just assumed that you would take care of them. That's what's bothering me. Whereas Christy's proposal is loving, mine's probably malicious. What your daughter is doing with her "I'll find someone less responsible" routine is manipulating you into believing that she'll put her daughter into a physically dangerous situation so that she can go about her life, and then if your grand daughter shows up dead--or worse--you have to live with the guilt. No dice. Your daughter's not that stupid. The reality is she keeps playing the game because she knows it works. She knows that you love her and her child too much to, God forbid!, not give in. Additionally, she's preying on the fact that, if you don't give in, you don't know who is doing what to your grand child. So, essentially, she's twisting your love and preying on your fear. Smart kid. But she's abusing you. So it's time to set up some ground rules. Get real with me--how do you feel about baby sitting? Would you like to be paid? Do you need to be notified some time in advance? (It's normal for daycares to mandate before taking on a client to have 7 business days notice, I understand, plus the immunization records of course). Do you need to have an emergency policy? As in "Mom, I'm sorry, it's short notice, but the babysitter bailed on me, I have to go to work..." Do you have any boundries set up there? Because if she's willing to play games here, without a stringent emergency policy, she'll abuse those too! And what about your husband? Just because they're your boundries doesn't mean they're his! After having sat down and throughly thought through what you will and won't accept as far as a babysitter goes, inform your daughter. I garentee, you'll get a reaction. If, however, you have any reason to fear for your grandaughter's safety, I strongly urge you to call the police. Your daughter's behavior suggests that not only is she willing to take advantage of you, she's also willing to hold your grandaughter hostage to her whims--and IF her daughter IS in a bad situation, its always better to be safe than sorry. I PROMISE, when the boys in blue show up, your daughter's desperation for attention will be fufilled.
People pleasing is such a huge issue for me. The A spent two years having a friend come over and literally live with us. My resentment level got so so toxic about this. I eventually got to the point of locking the door. I went through such a dance with that man and the A.
Recently the A invited his mother over. She did her ususal demand demand demand number. This time I did not engage. I used to really over extend myself for her. i got to the point of not being willing to engage on any level that was a red flag too for me. These days I can deal with her coming over without having to feel I sold my soul in the interim.
I have been there and to the cleaners with the A promising and over extending himself to others. I had to totally disengage for a long time before I could come back from being a burned out crumb.
I am glad you finally set limits with your husband. I had to be at rock bottom before I set limits but the person I had the most difficulty with was me! I would people please, martyr and compromise myself to death.
I don't dread dealing with the A's mother anymore or any of his associates. I acknowledge the double binds every day these days and work on myself.
I hope you will get rest and recuperation. I know how hard that is. My life is one long saga of shoulda coulda wouldas on myself but I stand up to them now.
