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So, in the last week or so, i have read several post here & on another site with people struggling about feeling guilt about why their A's drank or use - feeling some responsibility for that & some of the other behaviors- some of my friends from my f2f meeting were also talking about this - thought it might help - especially some of the newer members to see this. Hopefully it will help break that silence that we get caught in & maybe even give you a little smile at some of the reasons . . .
So let post some of the excuses, reasons, needs or whatever that the A's in your life have said to jusitfy their drinking or using . . .
I'll start
Because it's the weekend it's not the weekend it's a holiday it's not a holiday i feel bad i feel good it's raining it's not raining i missed you i worked hard i got laid off work too much traffic i have a hang nail (i'm not joking either - these are for real) i'm nauseated i'm pregnant (ok- this one was my daughter - not my AH) you went out of town it's my birthday it's your birthday
get the picture - any excuse will do
so folkes whatcha got - any other goodies out there?????
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can't be with you so I might as well just drink myself to death.
I'm depressed because I can't see the kids
I got rained out at work
I already had one or two and then kept going and then I was afraid to come home so I started all over the next day and went on like that for 4 or 5 days.
I lost my other son to his evil mother (hmm can't imagine why...)
It's cold outside
It's too hot
I thought I could just have one
I needed to relax I have to work too hard (I won't say at what ;)
I never get to do anything I want to do
You left me
I went to jail
I lost my job
and then there's the denial ones from the heroin days
I don't know how the tox report got opiates in my system
The drug test kit must be malfunctioning
I don't know how those needles got there
I don't know what that thing is
I found that stuff and am going to sell it
It's not just the excuses, it's the lies that get me. If they are lying about that what else are they lying about? Thanks, I really needed this. It helps so much I could have filled ten pages with lies and excuses!
The cat bit me! (they had dogs) The cat used the litter box! (what litter box? she was allergic to cats!) It was too dark outside. (in the day light?) The leaves were falling and I couldn't put them back on the trees! I failed my test (they weren't in school at the time!).
* These were all excuses used by some of my relatives and friends.
Hubby drank to numb himself of the emotional pain and physical pain. But he said to me: I drink because I can (obviously hadn't accepted Step 1). I was convinced he drank because he didn't think he deserved his recovery and at the worst he wanted to die. Thank goodness he's doesn't believe those things anymore. As we all know, A's don't need any excuse. They do what they do because they have a disease. How they treat that disease is up to them.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem I work hard I'm not working I got a raise I didn't get a raise I got a good evaluation I got a poor evaluation
It always saddens me to read about the kind of things alcholics say to their families to rationalize their behavior. It saddens me more when their families take on their excuses as truth. One of our concepts is "Participation is the key to harmony at all levels of Al Anon." To me, this means that even our most basic levels of participating in recovery--taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually--is a fufillment of this concept. Our decisions that fufill self care, then, also fufill this concept. Perhaps, then, rather than looking at the insanity of the excuse, it might behoove us to look at the extensive amount of times that we actually believed these excuses. After all, it has only been in recent years I have come to grips with the reality that I never had the power to make my father drink. Contrary to what he says, he ultimately had to tip the bottle himself. But I can look at myself and look at the circumstances as to why I believed his excuses: I was powerless in an insane situation, and wanted to have a level of control. Now, who's the insane person?
These are funny yet sad at the same time, because we all to some extent believe(d) them.
Some gems from my AH, besides several already posted,
-you nag too much -you forced me to marry you -I feel trapped in this house -you're boring/bitchy/moody/alive/insert adjective here -because I can -to spite you -because I have heartburn, drinking works better than the meds do -because you didn't get a babysitter so we could have some alone time (even though I didn't tell you I wanted some alone time, you should have read my mind) -because you won't have sex with me as much as I think you should
...and countless other ways to word "it's your fault"
And my very favorite and for some reason most frustrating to me: -I don't know
For some reason, even the stupidest excuse is/was better than "I don't know".
There is humor in recovery and if a member is open minded they will find this humorus. Just over a year ago the wife of a sponsee called me to tell me that her husband had gone back out would I like to hear his reason for doing so. I told her that it wasn't my business why he went back or or why and that I had been around recovery for such a long time that I probably had heard it before. Then I said, "Sure go ahead, maybe I'm wrong." "He was walking in the forest with a neighbor's dog and the branch of a tree broke and fell and he was afraid it was going to hit and hurt the dog" she replied.
I guess, for today, my A son doesn't have to lie to me anymore. Why?????cBecause I don't ask him anything. I have finally been able to detach from having to know everything about him and it is such a relief. The only things I know about him are the things he opens up and tells me about without my asking. He still drinks...I know he still drinks...he knows that I know he still drinks. It is not my business anymore...............horray!
However, I know he would still lie to me and I also know it is much different if you are living with an active spouse.
OK I'll bite, typing these makes me laugh and helps me see how ridiculous they are.
My Mom moved to Arizona. (13 years ago) My Mom visited. They said I was a wimp. I only amoked pot and I was with my Dad. I'm going to jail anyway. I don't have a job. (catch 22) My job is stressful. (prior to above)
2nd all time favorite Hurray It's the dog's birthday, we're celebrating!
all time favorite summer of 2006 I gotta go it's my best friend's wedding. (Me Oh, Dave's gettig married?) No Tom is. (Tom who?) Oh you know Tom X we went to school with him in 1985. (When was the last time you talked to him?) 1985
I've heard most of these excuses in my house too. It amazes me that a simple situation that most people can handle without alcohol or drugs, my A will find a loophole to declare he must use. The biggest excuses are I'm bored, I'm depressed, I can't get anyone to go out and do anything with me tonight It relaxes me I need to sleep (alcohol actually had the adverse affect on him) I do these things to spite you to show you, you don't have control over me and my life!! I used because we're broke and I feel depressed about it. (Spending the money we don't have)
The list can go on and on, I think the bottom line was said best by Karrilynn, the A doesn't really need an excuse to drink, but I think the guilt, shame, and whatever other feelings they have about their disease forces them to make these excuses to themselves and to others to justify their behaviors. Somehow I think it keeps the denial intact, so they can feel like its o.k. to continuing using. Thanks for the post, really helped to put the perspective back on the disease.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
glad that some were able to see the humor in my post - that is what it was meant for. I know that there is work for us to do on ourselves as to why we believed some of these excuses, but hopefully looking at some of these responses can help us understand that we are not alone, we are not the only one who has "bought into" their stories, we can break the silence without beating ourselves up again, laugh a little and work on doing a little better if another ocassion crosses our path.
I know there is pain & deceit in these excuses but we have spent too much time in tears, anger, guilt and frustration - laugh my friends - please laugh - not at your A, but at this horrible disease - laugh in alcoholism's face - refuse to let it steal your joy!!!!
wishing you a day or maybe just an hour filled with laughter my friends,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can't sleep I got promoted I didn't get promoted somebody else got promoted somebody else didn't get promoted so & so is getting married so & so is getting divorced I am of no use to anyone anyway I am an adult and I can I'm bored and there's nothing else to do (vacuum dammit!!!!! I have to go to work!!!) I miss you It's so cheap here We only have one vehicle for all of us guys so I might as well just stay in my room and drink It's the only way I can live with you Because he (neighbor/chief enabler) is retired and lonely Because it's _________ (insert ANY day of the week here) I got off early I got off late Because you don't care
And finally the truth......... I don't know how to NOT Because I am an alcoholic and I have to.
My AH doesn't even attempt to offer any excuse why he drinks like he does. He just cuts to the chase and says "Everyone has to die of something." That's the same reason he uses to smoke, too. His Dad didn't drink or smoke and died in his early 60's from a brain cancer, within 3 months of being diagnosed. I have to admit, some of the "reasons" made my chuckle, until I realized that we are dealing with a life-threatening disease. And the craziness of these "excuses" are the very reason that detachment is so vital to MY survival. Love in Recovery, Becky1
