The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been struggling lately in my life. Things have been getting to me, emotions have been on overdrive. A big question I ask myself all the time is, "What is Love", I am unsure of the answer to this. I Love my family unconditionally, that goes without saying. I feel love for the people in my fellowship. But anything other than that Im lost (lol).
I have a relationship in my life right now, and I posted about it. He is unsure of love, and he told me he doesnt love me. He was being honest. Now I'm wondering exactly what do I feel for him. I do love him, but am I "In love with him". I wanted so much from this relationship, to be happy ever after with him. (lol i know).
Anyway I got replies from my post, telling me I deserve someone to love me like I love them. And I have thought about this, constantly all week. Now I have come to a decision.
This relationship I am in right now, we have been friends a long long number of years. We are reliable, trusting, honest (most times lol). We ended it bacause he felt guilty (Recovering A 6 years). Then he came back to me. We have spend time in the last three days together and it has been nice, relaxed, we have had FUN. So I have deceided, life to too short to sit and cry over things you cannot have. That only makes you miserable, and pulls you down, like I have been. The last few days I have been so happy, smiling at everyone, people are returning my happiness, smiling at me in shops, laughing at my jokes, I have changed so much In a week.
WHY???? Because I am finally discovering how to live "One day at a time". I am becomming stronger, I think I am now the stronger one out of the two of us. I now have no expectations from this relationship. I am having fun, things are changing beteeen us. And If this is meant to be it will be. But I have suffered so much hurt, let-downs in my life and Im sick of living like this. So for me I am going to take my happiness when it's infront of me. This Guy has noticed the change in me, and I think it has helped him aswell, he now feels no guilt, and seems quite happy too.
I got a reply from someone on my last post, and he was bang on. We are both enjoying what we have right now, we both walked into this with open eyes. no one is taking advantage of eachother.
So Im not living the fairytale I dreamed of..... But be HONEST roomies.... Who Is....lol
I am so glad you are doing better and so I want to share this. This is just my opinion and you know what we all say about opinions. So take what you like and leave the rest. Sounds like you are in limbo. It's harder for the partner who wants something versus the partner who does not.
Limbo lossess often feel like this:
My life has fallen down
around me before
-- lots of times,
for lots of reasons --
usually other people.
And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain and desolation
that followed.
And I survive.
And I live to love again.
But this,
this slow erosion from below
--or within--
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
--but not really.
And you're out of that life
--but not quite.
I do all right
alone,
and better
together,
but
I do very poorly
when
semi-
together.
In solitude
I do much,
in love,
I do more,
but
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and ressurections.
Come to stay
or
stay away.
This series of passion poems
has become a heavy cross to bare.
Source: How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield & McWilliams
I share this out of love for you,
Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
