The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a tough few weeks for me. Theres something changed in me. The way i deal with things. Things do happen and i get down about it, however its just not the end of the world anymore. I dont feel so panicky now, when things are rough. Which feels very strange in new territory. I also dont stay down for as long as i used to and i just realized this.
I do feel down today, my sister just had her first baby and i am an aunt for the first time. Which is good, i dont get along with my sister and shes mad at me for homeschooling cause im not there to help her like she planned. Theres something strange that i feel and probably not a good thing to feel i cant help it though.
I have two kids, 7 and 8 years old. No one really came to the hospital they left me alone after i gave birth cause they were all tired including my ex who left my father didnt come to much. The only thing left to ask is why... then again doesnt matter to me anymore. I dont feel jealous, i dont even know if its hurt, my father has been to see my sisters baby 5 times in two days, its not a you didnt do that to me kinda thing. Just a reality set in what i thought all my life. Its not a big shock just feels strange to actually have it verified in front of my eyes. Also even more wierd, even though i know this, im still ok for the first time, theres no me causing any fight or telling anyone in my family what i think of them.
I guess i learning to live and let the other stuff go. Also feels very strange being around my family without my mother, for some strange reason this bothers me more than last year and more than i realized also. I hope that does pass. I dont feel like i belong in that family i keep staring at them wondering who that room full of strangers that call themselves a family are, then reality sets in again i really am alone which feels odd to say. know what though?? I am still ok.. Then i look at me and my children and we arent a family yet. I sure will change that one.
Homeschooling has been a task and a half. Wtih kids not wanting to participate and me i guess not strict enough. Thats me up to date i guess.
Thanks for listening.
I am glad not to be so insane anymore. My brain isnt racing. My thoughts are not focused on what was.
Still feels amazing to have been true to myself a little more lately , the homeschooling thing might of been a bit more than i can chew but thats just my low self esteem talking not me
Thanks
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 15:19, 2007-01-23
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
You know what I'm seeing? Someone that is so much stronger. That is comfortable in her own skin. That has the guts to homeschool and know that it will work out. Someone that maybe is even a bit relieved that she isn't a big part of the family that shuns her. Someone that has come to like and believe in herself in spite of the doubts and fears of the past. Someone living in recovery.
Love ya Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can relate so well with you it's scarey. I to was and probly sometimes still feel like i am up looking down on my family and I don't belong there. Reason for this is, I also have a sister, She done the married with kids thing. So they were always the focus of attention in my house. That is what made me feel like this.
One line of your post actually gave me a few different feelings. "TELLING MY FAMILY WHAT I THINK OF THEM", boy am I great at that one.(lol). I felt very, Guilty, ashamed, such a b***h, and a very nasty person. (thanks kerry rofl).
But hey maybe I needed to feel these feelings, so I can now think about making amends.
