The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well as some of you know my AW and I seperated 3 months ago. I told her that I loved her, but if she was actively drinking that I could no longer live that way. The chaos that spins around her is just not healthy for me and the kids.
Here is the tricky part. She has run short on money over the last month. She didn't pay all her rent, and skipped cell phone and cable payments completely.... and bought alcohol instead. She doesn't get paid until friday and she is out of money and booze.
She called me rather pissy last night and said "well you finally got what you wanted, I don't have any way to buy any more beer..." I just said nothing.
When she said she didn't have money for food, I said we eat every day and you are welcome to come eat. I did put gas in her truck, but I didn't hand her cash, I took the truck and filled it up.
I know she had 3 bottles of wine (decoration, but good wine) so if she gets really despirate I bet she will drink those.... but I am not giving her a dime. The honest truth is, I can't comfortably give her any right now anyway.
I am glad this was not a supprise. I knew this was coming, so I was able to gather my thoughts about what I wanted to do about it .... or not.
But.... anyway, it should be interesting. I will keep you posted.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You amaze me. Whenever I read your posts I can really see that you always do the next right thing.
Congratulations on sticking to your boundaries. She still does not know what a good thing she is giving up in you. As are incapable of seeing that. I am glad that you can offer for her to come and eat with the family and that you were able to fill up her car. It is good that you can support her without contributing to her drinking.
I know this must be so difficult for you, but it sounds like you are continuing to make good choices! You are taking care of what needs to be taken care off! I am anxious to hear about how things go. Keep saying that serenitiy prayer and taking the next right step. I look up to you and your progress in this program.
I want you to repeat the following with me. Very loudly. At the top of your lungs. I want you to scare your dogs and embarass your children. And if there's anyone else out there with this problem, I want you to do this too.
Letting my loved one's disease take it's natural course is the most loving, the most dignified, the most honest thing I can do for my loved one. (Say 3x)
I have the right to hurt, to grieve, to feel embarassed, ashamed, or whatever else I need to feel as my loved one reaches their bottom. (Say 3x)
Intervention in my loved one's disease is enabling and it may kill them if I do it because I am stopping the natural progression of events that will lead them to the realization of their powerlessness over alchol. (Say 5x and write on your bathroom mirror or someplace where you will see it and say 3x every day)
Al anon is the place where I can seek love, support, acceptance and understanding that my loved one cannot give me at this time. It is a safe place to feel all of my feelings, express them, and to ask for help (Say this until you believe this)
You continue to be such a strong, caring person in spite of your AW's drinking. Please know that you are doing the best thing for her. Enabling is such a hard habit to break, and so hard to break because we think we are helping them, when in fact we are hurting them in their disease. You have so much to teach us. Thank you for posting always in your times of distress. I wish you always luck, health and prayers always for you and your AW, and your kids.
You're doing great sticking to your boundries. Somehow someway, they can always find money for their fix. I'd be curious to know what would happen if you didn't put gas in her tank? Then what? Would she find a way to work? Would she really have to stand on her own? Just thinking out loud here. I'm not suggesting you should.
Hope all is well with you and your family. You didn't get iced in did you?
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow, can I relate. To all of it. Last week when my A got paid, he was a rich man. He gave me a twenty. I knew he'd need it....and I snuck it back into something that was his that I knew he'd find later. The next day I knew I shouldn't have done that. He even told me I shouldn't have done that. In some kind of crazy way I think he wants to run out of options, but also dosen't want to -- crazy I know. The thing is that I knew he'd need that $ for minutes for his cell phone, only he didn't use it for that.
In some ways I am glad that things are progressing so quickly for you wife. That really sounds awful, but I mean it in a loving way. My A tends to hover, I wonder if he'll ever find his bottom.
Keep letting her decisions be hers. Remember you are allowing her the dignity that all of us deserve -- the dignity to live out our own choices. And no matter how much she wants to say her choices and the consequences of them are Your fault, remember you know the truth -- think of it as a basket that she's loaded with all those words that sting and hurt....your choice is to accept the basket and carry it or you can look at the basket and refuse to pick it up.
(((RT))) Lots of things come to mind with this situation, but you seem to be really sticking to your boundaries and really practicing the art of responding instead of reacting. That is so tough for me, especially when my AH begins to hurl manipulative statements, shame, and guilt my way. You are loving your wife with that kind but firm nature and allowing her to feel the effects of a life that has become unmanagable because of alcohol. I imagine it is so tough to watch her go through this, but I think you have really grasped the concept of allowing her the dignity to make her choices. If she chooses to buy booze instead of pay her bills, its on her now. You're not there to pick up the pieces and that what she's ticked about. My prayer for her is that she gets so disgusted with her way of living that she become so desperate for healing that she will wake up and realized the insanity the drink has caused. Keep going one day at a time, you are doing great and your growth has become an inspiration to so many of us.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Rtexas... I've been following your situation for the last 3 months, as my life is paralleling yours. My A too ran out of money, had is cell phone shut off and is fighting unemployment issues this week. I took a vacation with my kids to Mexico, it did me good to step away from the chaos. Returning to his cries and pleas is sad...but I look at it as one step closer to his bottom.
Today, he stopped over to pick up something he was storing in the basement. He looked aweful and smelled worse. Such a beautiful man reduced to that. Just pitiful, but necessary I'm sure. Bottom is looking closer from my view...but he acts like he will be resisting it to the end.
Your posts inspire me to hang in there for myself and my kids. Happily, my kids are not his, and I don't have to let them witness this mess. But I am honest with them, because for 8 years, they loved him too, and still do. But they know, he needs help and won't get it. They are sad for him too.
