i grew up in an alcoholic home. i married and alcoholic/drug addict. all of my friends are either addicted, in recovery or married to an a. 2 years before my dad died he finally got an a of his own! but his a was in the program. he was there for my dad as he died, he has been there for me during that time and since. he is the co-excutor of dad's will along with my cousin who i haven't spoken to since the funeral (not for any real reason, we have never been close). so my dad's friend came over today to tell me he is going to rehab tomarrow. he is living at my dad's till the place sells and when i have gone over i have seen beer in the fridge but i really thought and felt that it was none of my business. hhmmmm detatchment working? wow! i have been around long enough to know that alcoholics relapse. it is part of the disease. i'm driving him to the rehab tomarrow. but as i put on a brave face for him and work my program to the best of my ability at this moment i can't help the feelings of betrayl, anger and fear that this is bringing up for me. it's not really him, it's every other man in my life. without exception from birth every man in my life has abandoned me or left in one way or another. he is just the most recent in a long list. when i was a child i had no control over what the adults in my life did. it was not my fault that my dad left, my grandpa died and my uncle was a messy, fall down drunk. i chose my friends, lovers and husband. but i feel like this man my father chose and trusted to take care of him and me in a sense and he is just another faulted alcoholic. i'm kinda sick of it. but i feel privledged that he turned to me in his crisis (how sick of me, eh?)

then, i go to work and i'm chatting with one of the girls i work with and she is telling me about her fiance and how he drinks too much, he lies about it, she is going to change him, he will change after they have kids, he is mean when he is trying not to drink, he is a product of his enviroment, etc. and i am sitting there thinking "run." but i don't say anything. it is her life and she will live it to the best of her ability. alcoholics need love to. i don't know the future. maybe things will get better, maybe she will live in denile and be happy.who knows. not me! but i swear this disease is everywhere. it is so obvious but i can't go around preaching about it or about alanon. just live my program....attraction....maybe that is why my friend at work feels like she can talk to me about this stuff and maybe that is why my dad's friend feels that he can come to me and share his attempt at recovery. either way i am still sick of this disease and i wonder if i will ever connect with someone who is not an alcoholic.....