The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married for 4 years now and I keep asking myself can I or anyone live with an A? I know they are human beings and need love, but I am just wondering is it healthy to live with them; can I live healthy even though he isn't? I go back and forth with this question because I love my husband but am I happy with what I have. I don't like to think that divorce is the only way to go but am I beating a dead horse, can it work?
You may be able to find that you can live with your active A and still be happy. One thing I CAN say, the happiness that you can find is not what you may have imagined before. You will never have a 'normal' marriage, but you might be able to have a good one. Or, you may find that you really don't want to spend your life this way. The program can help you find the strength to leave him Work your program, go to meetings, work the steps, read the literature, and find out.
I don't have any answers for you, but I will share the most impressive suggestion I was given when I arrived in this place: Try the program, go to meetings and read the literature.... don't make any major life changing decissions for 6 months unless you feel you are in danger.
When I first got here I was contemplating those same decissions, but I was so upset and disturbed by the chaos surrounding living with an active A that knowing my own mind was difficult. Focusing on me for a while allowed me to make decissions based on facts and my own needs instead of emotion and despiration.
It made holding to my principals much easier to be "of sound mind". (Sound as possible anyway... LOL)
You are not alone, and we are here for you.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I lived for over 30 years with my AH with 10 years drinking and 20 sober. Either way life with this man was a challenge because of the "ism" that follows them. We are told not to give advice but only our ESH. The Alanon philosophy of focusing on yourself has really helped me to grow. And better boundaries have helped me not take everything that the A does or says to the core.
Yes Heather it can work = work this program to the best of your abiltiy make new friends at f2f meetings people who understnad you and can support u . Give f2f a chance for a few months so that u can make an informed decission not one based on emotion alone . there is always HOPE
I chose to stay in my marriage and Al-Anon made that possible for me . goodluck Louise
It is possible to live with an active alcoholic and still be happy. I did it for a long time and can tell you only what was helpful to me. Read the Big Book, the basic text for AA, if you already haven't. That was very eye opening for me. I also have two young daughters who are very active, and I am active with them. I lead their Girl Scout Troop and volunteer for school trips, and fall, spring and summer have me shuttling them around from one sports activity to another. I went to the gym a lot, and had regular Saturday night poker games with my girl friends for a while. Though it made me sad to see that his choices were making it impossible for him to join us in family activities (bringing a case of beer and a half gallon of rum to Girl Scout camp would be frowned upon) I did them anyway. I was not going to tell my daughters that we cannot do these things because daddy drinks too much and needs someone to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. I was not going to tell myself that I couldn't enjoy my life because he was determined to end his in the slowest possible way.
I think that is what kept me --mostly-- sane during the time my husband was drinking. It kept me from buying into a lot of the BS they try to feed you, and I think it kept me from feeling sorry for myself and getting down on myself. It was rewarding to know that I could do something good and be of service to my community.
That said, it did not keep from becoming mad as hell. Find something to add to your life, but do not stop educating yourself about the effects of alcoholism on you and your alcoholic.
Thank you for the advice. I know I still get mad way too much, but I do get out with my son and do things when my H is wanting to sit and be alone or just being crabby because he needs a meeting. I know I can do a lot more that is why I came to this site is to get a little more educated about myself and know the tools to live a life for myself and not for my AH.
