The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was disconnected for 2 weeks from here I had time to think about Ally.
This Is what i came up with
I am posting this In the hope it can help someone understand
what THEY are going through right now
and to let them know we understand and THEY are not on their own
Ever asked yourself this question……..Who Am I ?Ever been able to answer it ?Well my description of me is as follows :I grew up in a happy family, most of the time, I was seriously affected by another persons drinking. I became fearful, suspicious, lonely, withdrawn, lacking in self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth. I also lived with a lot of secrets. Living with alcohol becomes, a big secret. I was told to keep it to myself, don’t tell anyone. What would the neighbours think. The neighbours heard all that went on, so the were aware of it. You also received the looks from them, of pity, oh she’s just a wee lassie and she’s living with that madman. And he was, that is what he became with drink inside him. A completely different person.It wasn’t nice to see or hear. This was that wee lassies DAD. The greatest guy in the world. The one she loved to bits. Who looked after her. That caused a lot of hurt and a lot of shame to hear people talking about him.When your young you don’t understand it all, or any of it really. You got a dad that is wonderful most of the week and becomes a yelling lunatic at the weekend. So what do you do? You don’t have a choice, you live with it. You become afraid, resentful, you dread the next time, you pray it will stop, you PROMISE to be a good girl. If I do this, or that, please GOD will you make it stop. WHY did I feel it was MY fault? What could Ido to stop it, Nothing, I smiled, I stayed quiet, I went and got dad another can of beer, like a good girl. I watched, I listened and I hated, I detested I became resentful of him. I even wished him dead. Just so that we could have a peaceful life.As the years went on I think I just accepted this was my life, I had no other choice, and I didn’t at the time. But as your getting older maybe sixteen or so and it’s still going on, you begin to say to yourself, I’m out of here, I have had it, I’m leaving. BUT this is when you realise just exactly what you have become. Where can I go on my own, I’m too scared. I cannot live by myself. What about my mum, I cannot leave her with him on her own. So you stay, and you carry on putting up with it.And it goes on, and on over the years and before you know it your in your twenty’s and your still there, still putting up with it. Then when you get to twenty eight …BANG….. It all catches up with you and you suffer a breakdown. Are you surprised? YES, why did this happen to me?I was having a good life. I was working, I had a car, I had friends, I went out socialising. All of a sudden it all went wrong for me.What I didn’t realise was it was NOT all of a sudden. I had been living like this all my life, I just could not cope any longer with how I was living.For the first time in my life I sought professionalhelp. I talked to people, I made up excuses for a wee while, I never told them the truth about my life. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, make anyone feel guilty. I didn’t want to shame my dad, expose him as a bad person.I used the excuse of my job, I was stressed in it. My health was not great and I used that as another excuse. People told me I had clinical depression.I accepted that, I lay down to it. I done all the things you do.I became isolated, scared to go out, scared to talk to anyone, scared to answer the phone. Scared to have anyone stay in the house, as this was an invasion on my privacy. I took the medication, I became sorry for myself. I had suicidal thoughts, I never done anything about them.I let people feel sorry for me. I had a MENTAL ILLNESS. I was different from them. Little did I know most of them had had it too.So for years this illness has come back time after time to haunt me. I fight it, I get back into the swing of things. I become run down, I get in a muddle, I cannot cope, and BANG: I go down there again.Its not something I know how to stop. If I did, I would not keep going there. it’s a lonely and isolated place in my life. You start to feel your mood going down, and you let it beat you. You also lose interest in everything. Your job has no satisfaction anymore, Bills, nope you cant be bothered paying them. Leave them they will be okay. And when you realise they are not okay, you have gone so low, you cant stop how your feeling. You then have to rely on someone else to assist you with things.Tears are a major part of this illness. Your not strong enough to cope, life is meaningless, your tired of being sick and tired. You just don’t care anymore.So to stop yourself being a burden on people. What do you do? You isolate. You cry, you think your life is over, no-one loves you. No-one understands you. You are irritable you yell, you snap at people. Then you go away and realise what you have done, you feel guilty, so you cry, and feel useless. They would be better off without me, it becomes a vicious circle.Hurting people becomes an everyday event for you. You get good at it. It makes you feel better if you can find someone to blame for your troubles.After a while when your medication has kicked in you begin to see you are doing all these things. BUT you do NOT stop them. Why? Because you know what reaction you will get from them. They make excuses for your behaviour “she’s got depression” awwww that’s a shame.It makes it easier on you to live with it. Makes you feel good to see they are living round about you. If someone doesn’t understand you and your illness, oh my god you do not like them or their attitude. You are NOT WELL. They must understand that.It becomes easier to play on it. Get attention, love and understanding just what you have been craving all these years. But eventually you get sick of it. You hate who you are, have become. You get the fight back in you, and you choose to beat thisMENTAL ILLNESS.So you start gradually, you go out, bit by bit, then on your own, you fight all the panic attacks that are with you every day. You start to feel good again. You take your time with your appearance you try to look your best. You gain some confidence, self-esteem, you notice people talk to you, smile at you, include you in a conversation, this makes you feel part of the world again. You resume your life. Go back to work, do what you used to do. And this will continue for a little while. Until the next time.My depression is mostly caused as a symptom of an illness I have. I get sign’s that I’m slipping back. I start to get impatient, irritable, anxious, I snap at people, I feel guilty so I isolate and I cry. I usually loose all interest in food, sleep, anything else I do for a hobby. I tell myselfI’m useless, I am worthless, I compare myself with other people my sex, age, etc. why are they prettier than me, smarter, have a husband, kids. Why am I alone. This does NOT do any good whatsoever and it lets me wallow in my self pity.Again it’s a vicious circle, I will come out of in when I’m ready and not before.I do NOT like being like this, I would love to be cured of this for life. I believe I can cure myself of this one day. Things in my life I don’t know if I’m unhappy with them, because I am. Or if it’s the depression that makes me unhappy. I have been told I have gaps in my life I have to fill, and that’s why I’m not happy. I don’t know the answer to that one. People say I have to be happy with me before I can be with anyone else, or anything else. Maybe that’s where I am at in my life right now. I don’t know the answer to that one.I have had various counsellors or physiologist, group therapy, depression groups, cognitive behavioural therapy over the last seven years. Returning to see another one. Always the same result. I get help, I am happy for a while then it all comes back. Never letting go of the past, always staying with me.Now I have been attending Al-Anon fellowship for a year. I felt in my first meeting I had a place to call home. I was no longer alone. I didn’t have to keep secrets. People nodded their heads when I spoke, because they had been in my position. Other dads were worse than mine had been. After a while Inot only felt relieved I also felt grateful I had not suffered physical or sexual abuse. I know how much my life has been ruined by verbal abuse.I have flitted in and out of Al-Anon in the last year. Thinking sometimes “hey”, I’m cured, I don’t need to go sit at meetings, I have let go of my past its okay now. I am coping. But I have finally realised something. Al-Anon is the ONLY thing that has helped me in all the years. And its not just about my past. It’s about my present life and preparing me for the future.To live in a way that suits me. Is comfortable for me. In a way that I can cope with all these emotions I have. Pain, resentments, anger, being lonely, being ashamed, guilty. I have to live with my changing attitudes towards other people. So one day, someone says something that hurts me, what do I do? I think about it, did I deserve it, did I hurt them, are they having a bad day, do I remember I had bad days. Yes I do, okay I will let it go today. Before Al-Anon I would just attack them, and I wouldn’t care, they hurt me so I am hurting them back.Sometimes I can still do it. But I get a guilty feeling kicking in right away, and that tells me I need to keep with the programme of Al-Anon.My life is not about hurting everyone because I have had a lot of hurts in my life. I can understand people more so now. I am also a tougher person in some ways because ofwhat I grew up in. I can face up to a bully or a drunk person without a second thought. I know right from wrong. If someone has been done wrong by, I will stand up for them without a thought.They one person I let down in my life is me. I sometimes cannot stand up for me. I have things to say to people, but they don’t want to hear it, so I leave it to suit them, put their thoughts and feelings first. Who puts mine first. That is were I have to be more assertive in my life, you don’t have to use your words in anger or by forcing someone to listen to you. If I have things in my head, and I cannot shift them, that only slows down my recovery. I try to work round about them, put them into the back of my head, forget about them. But that’s not possible. If I have atrouble I share it with my Al-Anon fellow members. If I cannot, I need to learn to go to the person in relation to that problem and use the proper manner and shift it for my benefit.When I do not do this, it is a matter of time until the world revolves around this trouble, I cannot take anymore, I cannot cope. And BANG:I hit the depression again.So it’s now up to me, can I start to live my life for me, or continue to let everyone live their lives round about me.I am a human being just like everyone else. I am NORMAL, I have my troubles, they don’t make me any better or worse than anyone else.People can take me or leave me, that’s not my worry. If I’m beinghonest, trustworthy, and don’t hurt or humiliate anyone I’m not concerned by what they think.
My personality can knock me back at anytime. Only if I LET it. I have to be responsible for my own happiness. I don’t feel like that right now or necessarily agree with that statement. But hopefully one day I will.
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