The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He called here about an hour ago, still under the influence of course, but coherent (and stupid sounding). He asked if it was okay if he could come here and sleep on the couch. He was at the place he stays at these days but, as I figured, he does not want to be there alone at this time. That's because either his drunken buddies will come back to "party" some more and he cannot take anymore and because if he stays alone, the demons in his mind will get to him. They will get him even if he sleeps on the couch. Those demons will follow wherever he goes. He called our local reverend, a good friend, to come to his place and he was there when my A called me. I told him it was okay to sleep on the couch and rev. brought him here. He is on the couch now as I type. This scene has played many times before except he was still living under this roof the other times. I know that coming here is the only way he can climb out of his hell hole for now. I keep getting images of my twin brother who died drunk, alone in his place. It was horrible. I went to his place after one of my other brothers went to check on him and found his body. I saw the absolute horror of what he'd been living like for the previous 2 mos. He died on our birthday.I guess that's why I allowed my A to come here. The fear of his being found dead in his place alone sat in the back of my mind. At my brother's wake and funeral there was a very huge crowd. Like my husband, he was Mr. HaHa, always the funny drunk. People who didn't live him thought he was comical when drunk and actually he often was. Often very pitiful. He lost his family and as soon as they got out of the house, he sobered up and stayed that way for many years. But he decided to have a wine cooler on Xmas Eve and it was all over. He plunged into hell. But loved by all. I also know the hell his wife and kids went through. He never touched them physically but they had to sit in their little house with him when he was crazy drunk, out of his mind. They left for good when he threw a meat knife and it landed stuck in the door. It was all so heartbreaking......I kept thinking about that happening to my A and how it would be for my kids' and I should he be found dead. I just couldn't say no tonight. Tomorrow he will probably not be able to get up till afternoon if that. He had the reverend put a change of clothes in a bag for him and he brought them with him. He won't get any lecture from me, no screaming, no crying (at least not in front of him), or any of that. It is of no use. But I feel for the man. I don't have to tell him " Pack your stuff and get out!" because he's already done that 3 mos. ago. So I'll will go about my usual morning routine tomorrow with no furor. I think about the life I thought we'd have. This is such a cruel disease. It would be torture to watch him die ( he almost did once) but easier than this. This is like going through a death and funeral over and over again. Well, it's not quite as hard as it used to be but it's not fun either. But he cannot stay here long. He has a place of his own to go to and there he must go. I intend to keep on the path I'm trying to follow. Someone said it's like a winding road with bumps and ruts along the way, sometimes veering right off the road. But you can get out of those ruts - you might need help - but you can get out and keep on moving. I may have swerved a little but I haven't lost my way. You people are the help I find when I get stuck. I might have to wear my mouth guard tonight but I WILL get some sleep. LOL...jaja
my heart goes out to you. my regards and sympathies for the life of your twin and your husband, both - as your hub will be fighting aism for the rest of his. i'm proud of you for your compassion and keeping your serenity. that is PROGRESS. take care of yourself.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I consider this the the freedom a well worked program can give you. If your heart and soul is telling you to do something, and you do it..... who can question that? Without my program what I regret is that I constantly did what I knew I shouldn't have done.
What I read from your post is strength, the kind that protects you... and allows you the compassion for the one you love. He is in his own hell right now.
I pray for us all every night. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
There are two sides to 'detach with love' - the 'detach' and the 'with love'. Keep an eye on your motives, keep to your boundaries, and trust in your higher power. It will be all right.
Once again, I realize I am not alone. As I read your post, I read my story. It was as though I was looking into a mirror and a crystal ball all at the same time. Only, I am lacking the serenity and strength you have right now. I was just sitting and thinking that I did not want the serenity. I did not want a program. I wanted to be mad, to rage, to yell and scream, to "knock some sense into him", to do everything that I used to do. For I thought that those things would make me feel better right now, because I sure don't feel so great. I guess I have a choice, my serenity is not totally gone, but certainly shaky, I can work my program or go down with him, as my sponsor says. I need to realize that by doing all of those things I will go down with him, my serenity will continue to be lost.
Thank you forthe strength and encouragement that your post gave me, at least for a little while.
I am on the path with you; it is bumpy, and rutted right now and I was taking a sharp turn, but your post let me pull the wheel back a little.
Thank you guys for your compassion, understanding, and encouragement. It is fuel for my truck. The road to Serenity has not been an easy one for me. I'm still traveling. Al-Anon and literature gave me the map but it's taken me quite a while to find out how you get to this place called Serenity. Oh, it does exist and I have also heard that once you get there you can stay but you have to take care of the place. It takes a little work but,hey, it's a lot better than wandering around. Or if you do wander - which you do in a new place - and you get lost, at least you learned how to read the map and get back there on the road to Serenity. It's a nice place I heard and people want to stay. I know I want to. But dang! I have hit some big ruts! I hit this big old deer - stag - the one that was running me out of my neighborhood in the first place. He looked sick and acted sick, wouldn't leave and none of the the "medicine" I gave him worked. I really didn't want to hurt him either - not really - I loved that big ole stag. He used to be a mighty fine one when I first saw him a long time ago when he first came in the yard. So I just decided to leave. He was staring at me on this road with these red eyes. I thought he was rabid or something the way he looked - fur all messed up, saliva running out his mouth, making noise that wasn't a healthy stag. Scared me sometimes. I once threw him in the back of my truck when he stumbled in front of it. I figured maybe another kind of my self-made potions would work. But, let me tell 'ya, screaming and yelling, shaming and embarassing him, begging him to quit drinking whatever water he was drinking cuz he had a reaction to it - none of that worked. I could not cure his rabies or whatever it is! I did not have the right stuff for him and he was weighing down my truck. Sorry as I was, I had to let him go. A doctor - was going to have to help him, give him a prescription, and it would be up to that stag to take it if he got sick enough to decided he needed a doctor....I, in the meantime, had to find my way to Serenity. Sometimes I either got stuck, sideswiped the deer, or sometimes I had to go back to the old neighborhood and start over again. It ain't been easy but I'm determined to get there. I think I'm getting closer now. I'm figuring out how to manuver the swerves with help of the map showing me where they might be, and there's people along the way - others who are headed to Serenity - who have told me that's where they want to go, too, - they had deer or stags in their yards too - and maybe we could drive together and help each other. And other people are further along the road and cheer us on telling us we can do it. I get weary sometimes and kinda slump at the wheel but I can pick myself up and just keep truckin' along. I hope it's not too far away - I may have underestimated the miles but regardless I am determined. I really don't want this stag to pull me back or hold me up. But. you know, sick as he is, I still love him. I still hope he'll get better. Hope he'll get help. I'll try not to interfere since I can't help him my way. I'll try and support him should he get help from his doctor ( I'm sure he'll let me know)but I have to get near Serenity first - that's hard enough right now! Maybe that stag will be given a prescription and a map to Serenity and he might try and make the trip himself. If he does, maybe he too, will understand that he has to take care of his own area at this place and work to do that every day. Maybe we can live together again, maybe not. I'm not thinking about that right now. Maybe I and the other people headed out can holler out our truck windows and shout " Look out Serenity! Here we come!!!"....jaja P.S. I love you all. Thank you again for helping me.
It is so very hard hon when we have lost someone already to this horrible disease. We know what it feels like so makes it harder to say no.
I am glad you did not say no. If you said no and he died, you would always regret it. As right now, you are not ready to accept he is going to be dead someday.
My first husband A died too from the influence of aism.
He was young though so I did not have to see much but the happy stuff.
My now A husband is well he is dead, the person in his body is a very sick evil person.
But I remember being where you are right now. I am very glad for you for not dragging your kids thru the hell of it. It is so very hard to make him go when ya have kids.
Some just cannot help it. It would be horribly hard to be in that position of A and your children.
It is so sad isn't it that you know he wants to stop.But yet not enough to call and get himself to detox. Or walk into an AA meeting.
But he did call someone he respected to help him. However, me being who I am, I see it as he probably figured you would not say no if the rev was with him. The disease is always manipulating to its advantage.
I hope you maybe have some "good" time with him. It is such a blessing to still have that. I sponged for all I could out of mine. But his disease progressed so much that I doubt he even remembers me.
Sending you all so much love and hugs, and good for you already planning to keep cool and give it to hp. debilyn
