The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why do i want do be in love? I find myself looking for it everywhere. I still very much love my ex A, but found out from some friends that she cheated. She admitted to them while drunk. I found out over labor day. Damn i wish things had been different. I keep going to meetings and things do not seem to get any better. I have a sponsor, and am working step 4. Its always on going. I can definitely say that must be a character defect to see people as perfect when they are not. I know i am not.
I can related to the "I just want to be loved" syndrome. I find myself looking for it everywhere too. I assume you are a younger person, but this may also not be true, since I am 49 and still often find myself "looking for love" just as I did when I was 19.
I was 19 when I married my first alcoholic. I was 44 when I married my last alcoholic, and I was 47 when we divorced. I still love my ex-A's especially my first and my last one. They were very much alike in many ways. I often wonder if I am "looking" for a certain "type". I obviously am drawn to alcoholics. I've been married 4 times, 3 alcoholics and 1 an ACOA, who was sexually abused by his alcohoic father, so in effect married into the disease of alcoholism 4 times.
I am 2 years single from the last marriage, who was a dry drunk for the 3 years of the marriage. Started drinking again during the divorce, and then decided to quit on his own (due to severe health issues), and hasn't drank till this day. Unfortunately he still is not "in a recovery program" and still thinks "he did it" on his own. Which makes him a very arrogant and self-serving individual with all the "isms" still intact.
I am still "looking for love" but today it is "looking for love" within myself. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that "someone" would love me, but Just For Today, I chose to make that person the God of my Understanding, because He can love me better than any alcoholic ever could, and I'm tired of being hurt.
Maybe someday, when I've healed enough from these 4 traumatic marriages, I will be ready to love again, but for now, it's ok to just be me. I have a teenage daughter that I am responsible for and an elderly mother, this is enough for my plate today. I live One Day at a Time and try to practice "Live and Let Live" when it comes to others in my life. I do a daily 10th step and I try to practice steps 11 and 12 in my daily life. This is what I do for ME to day.
Glad your here and keep coming back!
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 24th of September 2011 10:14:05 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Being in love changes brain chemistry and can be addictive. Addicts obsess over their DOC. They look for it everywhere. Being in love isn't the same as mature committed love. Being in love blinds us to the faults of others. That's part of the brain chemistry change. It's nature's way of perpetuating our DNA and insuring survival of the species. Research is pretty solid about this.
I sought psychotherapy first, then after about a year followed with Al Anon and I thank God for both. They've changed my life. The other way around wouldn't have worked for me. I wish you well as you find your path.
We all deserve to connect and share unconditional love. I know, before alanon I did not know how to truly love and how to experience the joy and warmth of love.
Please keep attending meetings, sharing and working the Steps.
I know I finally learned to love uncondtionally by doing the above and by living by alanon principles of : stop gossip, stop judgement , treat everyone with courtesy and respect, that is when I learned how to really Live and Let Live.
Please keep coming here and sharing the journey
You ae worth it
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of September 2011 08:22:32 AM
as far as i can see- this is normal we are built to be this way....but its good to manage on your own and get independant - developing interests help- i would be lost without my painting- i would go mad . and then when you stop looking- thats when it happens.....so im told.
You are in the right place,,, keep coming back, take it day by day...
I do know that as I obsessed over the loss of love I would feel rejected,
Why when I offer unconditional love, do everything I can to make this persons life better, want nothing but the best possible happiness for him.. does he still 'reject' me... why won't he listen to me,, at least give me a chance to be a part of his life in a real way?
More than once it dawned on me that is how my higher power might feel...
( this is not alanon these were just my thoughts..)
For me, love heals the empty spaces in my soul. I want to be in love with life and pass the abundance of it around because that is what I feel my higher power gives to me to for fun and for free.
I am reading a non conference approved book on Mother Teresa called No Greater Love. Through her example it demonstrates how love, kindness and compassion can restore a human being and it costs nothing. When I feel like I am deeply in love with life and what my HP puts in front of me each and every day, I want for nothing. I am enough. I have enough. My family and friends are enough. From that perspective I live in abundance of that love and pass it on. I find that peaceful perspective by working the steps on a daily basis, going to meetings, and working with a sponsor.
Please continue to go to the meetings and continue to working on yourself. Believe it or not you may not see changes however people around you do. Something that was shared at my home group was someone said they had yet to be at the tables and someone really come and be present for 6 meetings and there not be a change in them. Something changes, .. I know that has been true from my experience of going to meetings and enjoying the fellowship of my home group. I don't know of one person who really put forth an effort of going to meetings to come away unchanged especially if you are working your program.
Truthfully, it took me longer than 6 meetings to feel like I wasn't just spinning my wheels. It was probably a good 10 - 12 before I thought oh wow, I think I am at least starting to understand why I need to be here. Everyone is different and everyone has their own path to recovery. Recovery comes with great joy as well as pain, so just because things hurt right this second doesn't mean they won't get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I think being in love (especially a new relationship) provides a distraction no different than pointing the finger at someone else, it provides an escape. I know I have tried to fill a hole with someone else that was really mine to fill.
It's how people continue to pick the people who have the same MO. They aren't working on themselves at all. I know it is mentioned to newly recovering AA people not to be in a relationship for the first year of recovery if they are single. I can tell you I was "in love" my world looked rosy through the rose colored glasses and when I finally took them off I went WTH?! I did pick a good guy, .. he happens to be an addict. I still picked an addict.
It does get better, continue to have faith that you are doing right by you and things really do look different from a different perspective. Maybe part of the issue is that you are pushing to fast through the steps. Sometimes if I hit a block or feel like I'm not doing things I need to do or whatever I am able to take a step back and see if maybe I need to address something else in my life.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Why do I want to be in love? It is the most natural conditions of being; to be loved and loving...unconditionally. The unconditional part includes forgiveness and compassion for myself and others, still a part of being loved and loving. For me it is a condition of character that I love others as I love myself and myself as I love others and that no one is loved more than anyone else. Program is a teacher and in the rooms I have learned from the best of the best...those who walked what they talked whose recovery behaviors I hold in high esteem. Great post!! ((((hugs))))
We want love because Disney, hollywood entertainment and fairytales program us to want the dizzy swept away breathless we can't live without each other die for love dream. Real love - is different and takes a lot longer to grow - but our programming makes us believe we can have it NOW. We believe that real love is instantaneous, lightening bolt, karma, kismet. You can't love someone (in the interpersonal sense) until you know them, know their faults, and love them despite and/or because of them. My brain knowing this doesn't stop my heart from wanting the dizzy swept away.... stuff though. And, add my years into the mix and time feels so short, no time left for a 50th anniversary or even 25 - I want to start living the rest of my life RIGHT NOW! But I'll echo Overcome - I'm tired of being hurt - so no looking for awhile yet.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
