The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
New to this whole al-anon thing but really can't do this alone anymore. I have friends to talk to but they don't fully understand because they do not have an A spouse. Bless them, they try. Anyway, not a day goes by that I am told "well if you would change" or " you always change the story to suit you", etc. Its seems anymore that every accusation that comes out of his mouth is in reality the things he does. His family agrees with me as they have been through this with him for over 20 years now. He claims his "drug of choice" is not alcohol, so he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. I say one is just a bandage for the other. Is there anything I can do or say to get him to see that he is actually the one with the problem and not me? I do believe he feels this way about himself but cannot deal with it so its much easier for him to say it is someone or everyone else who has a problem.
Thanks for reading. I'm open to any opinions and helpful tools :)
I think Alanon might be just the right place for you to find people who really understand and have walked many miles in those shoes.
I'd guess he blames you because he could be an addict in denial and that's what they often do. It's easier to blame someone else than to have to face a very painful reality.
I came to this forum and Alanon after dating a man with a drug of choice and a problem with alcohol. It's been very, very helpful to me and I hope you will find some help and comfort as well. This process is really about taking care of yourself and changing yourself, recognizing that we all have problems and that living with an active alcoholic will cause problems for nearly everyone. You can't live with crazy and come out unaffected.
I always love the 3 C's: You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. You can't CURE it.
There's a freedom and acceptance of reality in those simple words and in the first step of Alanon - We admitted we were powerlessness over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable.
I go back to that step every day lately and it keeps me from blaming myself, fretting about what to do, how to make him see, how to bring him around. I don't need to go there, just acknowledge he has a problem, I'm powerless over it and it's okay to be sad. Then I get back to the work of making my life better and happier and healthier for myself!
Again, welcome and thank you for sharing! Take what you like from my reply and please ignore the rest. ~ Doozy
Thank you Doozy for your reply. It is helpful in its entirety. I do wonder how people live with their AH and "detach" and still possibly keep "the fire burning" so to speak in their relationships. I love my AH to pieces but am having a hard time seeing how I can even share the same bed with him right now. The disease has caused so much hurt and anger between us but at the same time, I yearn to be close to the man I know he is when he is sober. Do I acknowledge those feelings and allow myself to be close when he is sober and set boundaries to not be when I know he has used? I'm so confused because i think he will believe I am "ok" with his problem if I get close to him.
-- Edited by Jonesy0505 on Tuesday 13th of September 2011 10:22:06 PM
Alanon is for you!! That's the great thing about alanon is it is all about your own recovery in dealing with the disease of addiction, whatever that qualifies under. I hope you will consider finding an alanon face to face meeting in your area it will help you heal in ways that is beyond what you think is possible and if you choose to be stay with your AH. That is all up to you and how you and what your choices are. No matter what, you are worth the time and effort of healing and being a whole person, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Alanon is all you and how we cope with life as codependents in the world of addiction.
Doozy has already provided some great ESH, I hope you will stick around and get to know all of us as we all bring so many strengths to the table to pull from. Hugs and welcome, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
In Al-Anon we are told to always take care of ourselves first. Detaching and separating the person from the disease is part of that self care. Never feel guilty or have a second thought, he is going to say and do what he is going to do. What is important is what you are going to do. Coming here was a great first step. Finding and Al-Anon meeting in your area and starting your recovery would be my experience, strength, and hope for you.......It's what worked for me.
I'm gald you found us. You found a new family who understands you as perhaps no one else can..... you don't have to be alone in the disease anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 14th of September 2011 12:34:48 AM
my mum has alienated almost every family member- im the only one left- her sister has left her- her brother- her daugheter- her husband....but guess what....its not her its all their fault. and even i am the only one left, im still the one who needs to change....
but i dont think - even she can believe this is true. i think- at a guess- that he does know he has a problem- and as you say- criticising others if the only way to deal with it. for some reason it seems to alleviate their anxiety..... i dont really know why they do it, but in my personal experience they dont stop
is he negative too? like if you tell him some good news would he put a damper on it?
one thing is for sure- he needs to go to those AA meetings- for your sake. if hes really bad youll never survive it!! in my case i makes my mum less negative as she gets more support there- the less supported she feels the more shes going to turn on those close to her. and also for you- i suggest you come on here and vent with us. like yu say, friends dnt understand and how could they possibly? youll only get a black and white view back, my firends say- oh my god yur mum is crazy- ha ha ha ha. well its not actually funny and she is still my mum.
You asked if there was anything you could do to convince your husband that he has a problem. Well, in my 36 years of marriage to an alcoholic, I never was able to convince him that he was alcoholic. But unfortunately, he did a pretty good job of convincing me that I was a big part of his problems and one of the reasons he drank like a fish. Things got so messed up between us that I believed back then that divorce was the only answer.
However, after going through all the hassle and pain from actually divorcing, I find Al-Anon. No - correction - I didn't "find" Al-Anon. What I did was stop resisting the suggestions of giving the program a good try.
I'm 6 months into the program and my life is now right-side up for once! Oh, the first few months were a little "weird." It took me awhile to get acclimated in the program. But I hung in there and I'm so glad I did.
I'm sending you a little nudge to seek a nearby Al-Anon meeting for yourself.
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank you for the warm welcomes and the very helpful advice everyone. We were both seeing a counsellor (who happened to work with him while he was in rehab before we were together). He chose him because he said "the counsellor" understands him and will tell him straight as he is 28 years sober himself. I enjoy talking with him also because it helps me to see the "reality" behind the disease and remind myself that he isn't doing this TO me. We were writing everyday and sharing each night and he was attending a group every weekend that the counsellor holds in his office with a group of men all struggling with addictions (not associated with AA). Things were great! A few weeks ago though, he completely turned around something that the counsellor and I agreed about how often I personally go see him. He called him up and got very angry with him and "fired" him as he says. So now no counsellor, no group, no writing, and we are back to the negative behaviours and the lies and manipulation. I've tried to get him to remember how good things were when all the other things were in place but again its my fault they aren't now. I still continue to talk to the counsellor a few times a week usually on the phone. Anyway, I did tell him that I realize this is not about me, it is his. I've also told him I am ready to set boundaries for myself so I can be healthy for me and my children. He then asks me to make sure I write them down so "I don't try to change them to suit me whenever I like". I told him these are not rules for him, they are boundaries for me and if at any time I feel I need to adjust one because it isn't quite working for me (so I can be the healthiest I can be) I will do so.
I'm trying to make arrangements so that I can attend a home group soon. Just very hard as I have 3 children (2 at home). My oldest son is also a struggling alcoholic and has some psychological issues. My youngest son is autistic and is too much for just anyone to babysit while I attend meetings. But I'm a mom and moms always find a way :)
Again, thank you all for your words of encouragement.
With your level of understanding of alcoholism will likely enable you to fit right into an al-anon group.
If you can, try to contact someone via phone to ask about bringing your children to Al-Anon meetings. Periodically, a parent brings their children to group and have them playing somewhere along the sidelines, playing quiet games, coloring or something like that. So don't give up!
Yep, you're a mom and moms do what they have to do! You've got a great attitude.
Needles to say, you seek help for YOU. However, I find that the more I get myself together, the better my alcoholic is! I rub off on him it seems. (even though we divorced the summer of 2010, we are now living together again because he has a good recovery program going for himself.)
I'm so glad I continue to get myself healthy. I can see where it benefits my relationship with him and everyone I come into contact.
HECK, I can now stand to be with me - I enjoy my own company.
Hope you keep coming back here as long as you need to share your ESH (experiences, strength and hope.)
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
My understanding of it is that alcoholics, like a lot of people, never learned how to find and apply appropriate boundaries. They take on the pain and troubles of other people (for instance, of their parents when they were growing up), and then blame their own pain and trouble on other people (for instance, their family) now. My ex-AH had no boundaries between him and others: if you were upset about something, however small, like your boss yelling at you at work, the upsetness would leak over to him and he couldn't stand it and he'd go drink. Or if he read about someone having troubles, he couldn't stand it and he'd go drink. Or if his own boss yelled at him because his boss was having a messed-up day, he didn't know how to say "I'm fine, the boss is just having a bad moment" -- instead he'd go drink. It was his only coping tool, and there's a lot to cope with in everyday life, not to mention when things get rough.
I think a person can only learn this over a long period of time when they're receptive to taking in it, like when they go to AA.
We as codependents also tend to have fuzzy boundaries, and if we're in a relationship with an alcoholic, their insanity spreads out and affects everyone in their vicinity. So the boundary problems also apply to us. Growing up, I had no idea how to insulate myself from other people's emotions and reactions. So then when my alcoholic would get upset at someone else getting upset, I'd get upset and try to mollify him, so much of my life was trying to keep him from getting off-keel. Boy, talk about a recipe for insanity.
As I've experienced it, the answer is to find our own boundaries and keep ourselves safe, and then our serenity is ours no matter what other people choose to do. It's a process. I hate to think where I'd be without the process, though!
Do stick around -- there's so much wisdom and support here. Hugs.
I see you have already received so much strength and support. I wanted to introduce myself and welcome you to the forum as well. Please stick around and get to know us better. We love to hear from our newcomers to get to know you as well.
Thanks for having the courage to share today. Please keep coming back, it works!
It definitely is already starting to work. Funny thing... I spoke with my counsellor this morning for an hour and he says to me " hmm sounds like you've been working a program" lol. I told him that I've made a 1st step and plan to continue down this path.
My AH decided he wanted to talk tonight about the boundaries I have set for myself and of course he looks at it like I'm placing rules on him or punishing him. I'm proud of myself for the way I reacted. I very calmly explained that it had nothing to do with him but was about what I will accept or tolerate to keep myself happy and healthy. I made it quite clear that he was still very much in control of the choices he makes. He asked me if I wanted to work this out... normally I would have caved and cried and said something like "yes I don't wanna lose you". Not tonight. Tonight I replied " I would like to hope that WE can be healthy together one day and I'm on the road to making myself healthy and I hope you make the same choice for yourself, whether its for us or just for you but I do know WE will never be a healthy couple unless WE each work to get healthy for ourselves first." He tried manipulating the situation but I didn't let it affect me. He got irritated and stormed off to his cave (the bedroom) and I peacefully and politely said "Goodnight".
Thank you to all for welcoming me so warmly. And yes I will definitely keep coming back. I feel like I have a new family :)
Thank you pinkchip. I've had alittle practice with this before but didn't realize that's what I was doing. My mother has a severe gambling addiction and my oldest son is an active alcoholic also. I don't know why I thought I could put my AH and them into seperate categories so to speak. Now I realize they are all the same and i need to set my boundaries the same for all of them. I don't know how many times today I had to reassure myself that I did the right thing and keep going. I just hope that it will get easier each day to believe in ME again. Letting go of control is a biggie for me. Being here and sharing and reading others ESH's is helping me through the days.
I agree with every word pinkslip told you. You are a "Miracle In Progress". Keep coming back...... find a f2f meeting in your area and continue your recovery.
Big Hugs, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 15th of September 2011 08:48:28 PM
