How do I quit feeling - Al-Anon Family Group

Bluefin · Newbie

How do I quit feeling

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Blue I am sure you know it does not work that way. We feel what our heart feels.

What worked for me was accepting that love, that missing. I leave my loved ones where they belong, in my HP's hands. For me my HP is the creator of all things.

I can tell you things never stay the same. We do not know what is coming. We take ONE day at a time.

My daughter and I had some problems. Which honestly is normal. What helped us Blue was I would call her and just talk about nothing. We developed communication again. She left the guy immediatly but she had lots of healing to do. I was careful not to bring it up.

I left it to her when she felt ready. Gotta tell you, in our family, as good of people as we are, there is no way she could have stayed with him as her brother and I would have prevented it. But she was smart enough in her own right to say NO WAY.

Anyway keeping things light, will help her stay close. She doesn't have to worry about you bringing it up. My mother told me that when my kids were little. Always listen to them even when it is about boys, or they told you already, or sports whatever. Becuz when it is serious they will know they can come to you.

I hope you can go see her, see the kids. Or meet them somewhere else with out him.

My heart hurts for you. But we can change ourselves to accept they will come to us when they need us. She is not done with him yet. Sometimes they go back a bunch of times. Each time its easier to leave.

As far as secrets, what my kids choose to tell me it is up to them. I would never presume they had to tell me anything!They adults now. I am actually impressed she chose to keep her husbands confidense.

Sadly he is a very sick person.

I hope you can get a better perspective. Because we can only change ourselves.

When I have feelings for my Ah I used to pray to have that love gone. But when I finally accepted it, it sure got better.

hugs, love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bluefin,

Welcome to MIP. I hear you and so understand your pain and sadness. Deb is correct "Feelings are Feelings" and we need them I would like to suggest that you look for alanon face to face meetings in your local community or Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon .

It is here that I learned how to process my feelings with others who were traveling the same road and who had different tools to handle the pain.

The program works for those who live with or are affected by someone's else's alcoholism.

Your SIL may not be bipolar but he does have a fatal illness , alcoholism.from which there is no cure only remission. Your daughter and yourself can both benefit from attending and this just might be a successful way you two can reconnect.

Please keep coming back Sharing, living one day at a time, focused on yourself trusting a Higher Power, feelings change and new options open

rrib · Senior Member

What would your daughter say about attneding Al-Anon? Maybe she'd accept a ride.

-- Edited by rrib on Monday 12th of September 2011 09:02:18 AM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bluefin & Welcome,

I certainly understand your question: How do I quit feeling? I once wanted to turn off all my feelings, too.

But I've learned that feelings are like a car's GPS. They are there, in my opinion, as our guides. Usually when I feel lousy it's because of my thoughts. My feelings tell me to knock it off!

Through reading a lot and attending Al-Anon meetings I have learned, and still learning, how to deal with my feelings. I was quite reluctant to attend meetings. I was married to an alcoholic for 36 years, then I divorced him. After the divorce I went to Al-Anon. How I wish I had gone long before then. Perhaps Al-anon would be something you and your daughter would consider. Hope so.

Take good care and hope you return here.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism is contagious. All of us who are in the path are affected by it. No one can live around an alcoholic and not be affected. I think secrecy comes from shame, confusion and guilt. I tried to hide so many actions by alcoholics in my life, my sisters, my family, my friends, my signfiicant others. I can well understand your daughter's actions.

Denial is a power defence mechanism. Going to other levels of defending against high levels of pain, requires patience, perseverance and assistance. For so many of us it seems so simple to confront the alcoholic but after the disease has progressed to a certain point, everyone around them is affected by the issues.

For many people going to rehab involves making amends. Some people work through to that step very quickly, others don't. For some the issues of trying to stay sober are so time consuming they don't get there for a while. Some people never make amends at all.

I know most alcoholics who are "active" dont' feel they actually did anything wrong. In their denial they can somehow justify their actions. Others simply are not yet capable of getting to a place of seeing the vast destruction their disease has cost everyone around them.

I am glad you are here. Al anon can be a powerful advocate. You can be around people who know exactly what you are talking about and feel supported. For me this board has been a tremendous lifeline.

If you have the opportunity get the book Getting them Sober. I cant' recommend it highly enough.

Maresie.

rosielee · Senior Member

this post really rams home to me. how alcohlism can affect any family at any time..... as a child of an alcohlic parent i used to think people were mad to get married to an alcoholic...and why would anyone do it withut running a mile?

now i am beginning to realise that its not like that in most cases- it just springs up on you....and it can affect anyone.

i dont know kiddo- there are no answers- suffice to say there are millions also going through the same scenario and many come out the other side- just keep getting your support and vent on here. Your daughter isnt chained to his side though is she? she still has use of her own mind....and i suppose that is the hard thing about being a parent of an adult child....watching them and not being able to do anything about it.

i think lots of parents will sympathise with you on this one.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your daughter has alot to absorb and come to terms with right now often we with draw until we come out of denial patience is a must . Please encourage your daughter to find help in the Al-Anon program she needs support from people who understand and you can support her by finding a separate Al-Anon meeting for yourself .. this is a family disease and all need to recover .. Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I was working on not feeling when I got to Al-Anon however I was often the lone male around large groups of women who wouldn't stop talking about "feelings" and getting hot about it didn't slow them down. One night a couple of them approached me and "getting in tough with my female side"...(Oh really? barf!!) and that was the very last idea I was ready to consider. I stayed in Al-Anon and hooked up with a Counselor at the VA-AA recovery program (even before I knew I was one) and one day he asked me how I felt about a certain event in my life and I responded "like sh+t" and he repeated "Okay so you feel like a lump of warm smelly stuff that a dog deposited on your front lawn?" I thought he was crazy and he tried to drop the subject on me until him I was serious about learning the definition of feelings. He replied that "feelings are an inside reaction to outside events" and then I felt rageful. Rage was toxic and after that session I felt drunk coming into a hangover but I could identify a feeling and I wanted to know more.

My sponsors taught me to feel them all and not dance around them and deny them. I didn't have to react to them and I had to feel them. It was a tightwire act to feel without reacting and then to "take what I liked and leave the rest till later." Don't dump the feelings. The disease operates on the mind, body, spirit and emotions levels all at the same time and it's okay to identify the feelings and feel them. After a while I learned how to change my feelings...I learned how to go from fear to love and from rage to acceptance and from confusion and procrastination to patience and promptness and more.

Don't quit feeling that's like practicing denial. Feel the bad stuff and the great stuff. When the bad stuff starts sneaking in and you recognize it...change to some good feeling that you can also feel.

Keep coming back and tell your daughter that you heard about Al-Anon from some other people (MIPers) and maybe trying it would be worth it. Go with her.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Bluefin · Newbie

Thanks for the replies. My daughter doesnt live in the same town and I have encouraged her to get into a suport group or counseling but she never gets around to it. I talked to my son and he encouraged me to share some feelings with her with the focus being on my feelings. I did that today and got a postitive response, it was a small step but it felt good. The big stuff is that I no longer trust her judgement, she put her children in danger. I am hoping that she is more aware now but I will never know which is the hard part. Making amends would help a lot. This is not the life I wanted for her and the idea that it is a disease that is only in remission is hard, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I ask myself why alchohol is legal considering all the lives it ruins but I guess history shows that making it illegal didn't work. I hate it and always have even before this.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.