The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wednesdays are hard...they're my day off and I have time to think. They're also the days I have individual counseling.
I'm having a hard time learning how to detach. Finding out that my alcoholic bf whom I have been with for a year and a half, 5 months sober, cheated on me last Christmas, you'd think I'd say see ya! But no...I feel like he isn't healthy enough to take care of his own life, so I try to control it. Not all the time, here and there...and it's so messed up! I am sick of doing it, I don't want to do it anymore. I want to detach! I'm on the detachment chapter of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also have her guide to the 12 Steps...I know I'm not going to change overnight, but I feel trapped in someone else's body and mind. This isn't me. All he keeps telling me is that is the old him, not the sober guy. I don't trust his words....
I'm also frustrated b/c I'd love to go to the meeting tonight but they are celebrating their 41 Years Anniversary and there is no meeting...
Do you have a sponsor? Or a phone list? These are the best times to pick up the phone and call someone and just talk through it.
It does get better. You are not alone. Getting out of my own head is sometimes the best thing I can do. Today I went walking with an alanon sister and we just had such a good time and I got some exercise!! I did keep busy and tomorrow I will have time to make a meeting and do more around housework.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I understand how you feel "Trapped" is a very painful place to be and "Good News" you have come to the right place to learn new tools so that you will be able to, know what you need, how to act in your own best interest and live with courage, serenity and wisdom Glad you have been reading and understand that this is all a process. When your Boy friend says"that was the old me"I do not do that any longer We at alanon strived to release the old destructive tools that hurt us and discover new tools to enrich our lives. Soon you too will be able to say "That was the Old me" I am moving on a different path alanon face to face meetings, this board, a sponsor the steps will all help you on your way
No I don't have a sponsor. Idk how to get one. I need someone so bad right now. I just found out mins after I posted my post that he has been talking to one of his coworkers, how he has feelings for her, etc. He doesn't have feelings for her. He only uses other women to get attention if he feels like i'm not giving him enough. I want to be ok. I want to detach. I want to stop crying. I want to be in a place most of you are...I know it'll take time. He hasnt changed. He's like a dry addict. Still the same behavior. Still treating me like dirt...and I've been allowing it. It's time to make new choices.
I am so very sorry you are going through this and in the pain of your situation. It is so hard to see forward when there is nothing to see except haze and direction lacks clarity. Usually at meetings there are phone lists, take one and call someone. There is great lit on sponsorship, kind of a how to guide on asking and seeking someone out. It's a short pamphelet, kind of like a newcomers packet, lots of information in it. It does help a LOT with the healing to have a sponsor because you will start working the steps and that's where the healing totally begins.
Everyone heals at a different pace. it's not a race. It's a long marathon with no finish (that's ok to because we are always works in progress, it's the healing that takes place that is the winning in this particular marathon not a finish line), none of us arrived at alanon overnight it took a lot of years, sometimes a lifetime of pain to get to the doors of alanon. Please do not feel like you are alone or your situation is unique because someone else has walked pretty close in your shoes. The situations may differ however the core issues are always the same.
Keep coming back, keep going to the meetings and keep putting the focus on your own healing, that's the payoff in all of our situations is to remember or learn what it is to be our own bestfriend and learning to walk with a higher power of some kind. You are truly never alone even if in the darkest hour it feels that way you really are not.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think it is ok to not trust his words yet. Watch what he does now. Watch for a change in his actions. don't try to manipulate his actions, and most importantly, don't judge them or take them as a refection on you. When I first started going to counselling, she told me to be 'neutral' and just monitor. Now I have started here, I see that advice as 'not reacting'. We do really 'get' where you are coming from and most of us have been there or are there in some form or another. For me, when I started on trying to detach, even before i came here... i gave myself a 'practice day' of feeling detached I told myself ... self.. today I am not going to give a poo.. or words to that effect). I didn't have to do it forever, it was kinda like a test drive for a car. I wanted to do it, so I did .... for a day.. to see how it felt. Then I thought...hmmm.. I might try to do that for another day.. then I thought... hmm.. I can't do it today, so I didn't... then i did again I allowed myself the opportunity to try it out and if I didn't like it or I felt it wasn't working... then I didn't have to do it again.
I still am doing that. Nothing has changed with my husband, nothing at all... but I feel like it has... any day I want.. I can pick up that control and get my stomach in a knot.. I did for alittle bit today, but I didn't like the feeling and I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing, so I stopped. Never know, I may just pick it up again tomorrow.
Its not what we DO, it can be what we DON"T DO as well.
Well I'm cutting him out of my life, taking control of my own. I blocked his cell, I just can't do it anymore. He's sick, very sick, and although he faces jail time on the 28th, he still hasn't hit a wall to make him stop his bad behavior. I'm building the wall and I'm going to stand by it. Last night he was threatening to drink and told me he'd think of me when he took his first sip. I just said I hope you don't do that. If he drinks it's his decision. Ugh I have a long road of healing to do, almost 12 hours down...
For me I focus on the serenity prayer, especially the part that says,
"Courage to change the things I can"
I could not stop "his" behavior no more than I could stop the waves of the ocean from crashing into the shore. Progress for me in practicing the spiritual concept of detaching with love meant keeping the focus on myself and taking small actions and making decision in my life that would be a benefit to me. It is that old adage, putting on your airplane oxygen mask first before you help others. In doing so I turned my attention towards me, especially learning how to practice self care.
Part of my self care is having a sponsor. I asked her to be my sponsor after I had been to dozens of meetings and I wanted the peace and serenity that she had. Through sponsorship, she showed me how she practices this program on a daily basis to maintain that peace and serenity.
As another member on this board says "if he drinks or not, what are you going to do?" That statement speaks volumes. I had to learn how to create a good life because I had forgotten how to being emeshed in anothers. It truly was a one day at a time thing for me, it didnt happen overnight.
who knows, its a good idea to surround yourself with as much support and friendship you can get.
without sounding a cliche- you need to work on yur self esteem- to grow to a strong- independant woman- where ylou find yourself claiming back your self respect and the courage to act making the right decisions.
you know yu deserve better- so whats stopping you getting it?
Going to meetings, finding out that I am not the only one, not unique and that I could use the ideas, tools, etc to get better are all things that helped me. I now have a sponsor, I am working on the first 3 steps... GOing to meetings and actually listening are things I have to do. I have ACOA tonight, those are some great meetings too. For me, just reading the books didn't help. I had to get out and go to meetings so that I could experience it first hand. Doing so caused me to find a sponsor. Now I have several alanon friends I call, text, mesasge, and a sponsor that I can call with the hardest stuff. I hope you find some meetings and get there for you. We can only change and control us. Making rash decisions doesn't work. When I make a decision that I have taken the time to think about, I stick to it.... take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you for the support...it means sooooo much! Last night felt like my rock bottom, as crazy as it sounds! I can't do this anymore. I feel more at peace, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I know this is going to be tough, and I'll have real bad days, and great days like today, but what matters is it's been almost 24 hours and I've been strong. One day at a time...
Last night I took out a notebook and I did two things. One, I wrote the Serenity Prayer over and over and it's what got me through the night. Second, I started writing him a letter until I was too physically exhausted to continue. Not a letter to necessarily to give to him, but just to get it all out.
Right now I'm excited for the future. I thought last night, I need to put trust into the HP to take care of him, but most importantly, to take care of me and trust that this all happened for a reason and I will have the life I want. I'm so glad I didn't settle....my bday is in 9 days and it's going to be a new fresh year. A year older, a year wiser, a year stronger....
I can tell you for sure he is gonna drink anyhow also it is never cuz of you...it's because that is what an alcoholic that doesn't want to stop does. They drink.
