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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> visit to my Family of Origin coming up
Post Info TOPIC: visit to my Family of Origin coming up
Lindaoakford


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visit to my Family of Origin coming up
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On the 13 September, my husband and I fly out to my family of origin for holidays.

I am most 'concerned' about the time with my sister.

My sister is 10 years older than me and is far worse than me when it comes to emotional manipulation. Cutting a long story short, she is an amphetamine addict who says she is not using anymore, I never believe her, but she is definately using less than she was previously. I stayed with her for a while a number of years ago, and she was so drug affected she was fully psychotic and I tried to get her committed. She would then ring me (I live 5000km away), and tell me she was going to kill herself. I have had to call police and ambulance from a different state to ensure the safety of her and her son. Unfortunately this has not been an isolated incidence. I hear my sister and I just want to crawl under a rock.disbelief

For most of my life, she has slept with all my male friends (myhusband keeps his distance), I may be only slightly exagerating with the ALL but not by far. She can make me feel guilty with just a look. It takes only one sentence to make me feel like I need to comply, or there wil be hell to pay. She wants me to organise sexual partners and drugs for her when she visits, (she has even brought drugs up on teh plane when she knows my friend is a federal copper at the airport). I have only recently refused to comply with this, infact, this year. I have lived out of state from my family for 20 years but she still has that control when she visits me. I didn't help her this last visit and I know she was annoyed with me for not doing it all for her, but I reallydon't care. I am a 40 year old woman with two marriages and a career..... she is a 50 year old woman with a partner and a son!!!! (I used to work in the sex industry under the abuse of a previous partner and thats how the boundaries were blurred, I have had a bizarre life)

The last couple of years I have been stronger. She attended my wedding last year and I made a conscious effort for her not to ruin anything. A few days before the wedding she came to me crying about how my brother was not being nice to her (they were both visiting with their families), and she may as well go home. I did not bite this time. I did NOT offer her myhouse. I told her I would be getting married whether she was here or went home and for her to do what made her happy. She stayed and stopped complaining to me for a few days.

She came back to visit this year (as did other family members) for my 40th birthday. Before she flew up she rang me a week or so before and told me how expensive it woudl be and she could go overseas cheaper.. I told her it was her holiday and she should do as she pleases, i will be turning 40 no matter where she is in the world. She came up. On the night, we were having fun. She then decided to tell everyone, my frineds, whom she does not know, all about my sexual exploits with a particular person about 10 years earlier!!!! When my friends showed a bit of shock, she was encouraged and kept going. "ooohh didnt' you know...... well..my sister rah rah rah" she was so drunk bythen there was no talking to her. I tried to just laugh it off.

She then when she was very drunk, hung onto me (the fonzie dance) for about half an hour crying into my shoulder about how horrilbe her life is and how much she loves me and she brought me up. How she sacrificed her life for me. I didn't talk for that time and when she was wanting to let go, I let her go and walked away.

That was the last time I saw her in April this year. WE are going to my FOO for my mums 80th birthday and her 50th birthday which is 3 days later. OUr first wedding anniversary is one day beofre her birthday. I have stopped staying at her house every time I visit family. I just don't ask anymore. Of course she will be talking about my lack of consideraton and thankfullness by not staying with her.

We will have to do someting for her 50th birthday. unfortunately she is still out of control especially when around drugs and alcohol which will be aplenty at her birthday party. She also has been left wit some fixed delusions, last year she got on the roof of her partners house and tried to jump over into the spa... she slipped and fell off the roof.. she put her back out.... The family will be around for a short time only, then the expectation is that 'the sisters' party on!!!!! Up until recently my brothers thought I actually liked this status quo... I told them recently I don't.

I guess I know I just have to detach. NOt going is not an option. I tried to stay detached one time and stay sober to deal with her etc, she put speed in my drink and I didn't know it..... Bad things happened

Anyway... I guess just thoughts... there will be drugs adn alcohol, my husband will probably partake (no probably about it really), I am going to stay sober and I don't care if she tells me she isn't happy I am not partying with her. I do not love her and I will not tell her that I do, I just say nothing once she starts.

You may or may not remember from past posts, my sister tried to drown me, sexually abused me, physically and emotionally abused me all before the age of about 7, what I have written here is a short list of the adult stuff that I am still going through even though I moved away 20 years ago.

She sees herself as having been a mother to me and I should be sooo grateful that she gave up her life for me, she didn't have a childhood because of me. this is not true and I am only recently questioning this stuff. She was 10 when I was born. Yes she was a very big inflence in the first 10 years of my life when Dad was drinking and Mum was 'unavailable'. That wasn't my fault, it was Dads. She seems to think I had the perfect upbringing because of her.

ok, now I am starting to get angry!!!!!! Sorry.furious

Anyway, ideas for me on what I can say to myself when I am in the middle of it would be great. How do I keep my sanity (or attain some) when around insanity.

She will try to draw me in big time. She talks about her sexual abuse (incest) infront of people, she tells me how much I have hurt her in different ways, but how it is all ok because she loves me like a daughter without question, and then in teh next breath tell me how I did something to hurt her..... she is messed up. She is on antidepressants and sees a counsellor..... gggeeess I am sooo not looking forward to it. ppffttt

Can you see how sometimes i think my husbands pot smoking fades into insignificance in comparison to other stuff, and just why I hate it so much.. I grew up with my sister!!!!! (half tongue in cheek)



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Linda - a work in progress
Pushka


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WOW .. Linda .. the fact you aren't running for the hills with your hair lit on fire says a lot about the courage you have to face this situation.

When people are acting out in ways that are just way over the top .. very honestly .. I see them as jello people. I really do this because it helps me remember that I can't nail jello to a tree and trust me we all have those moments of being jello. It puts into perspective that I'm not going to rationalize with irrational people.

During those times of having to be there with that irrational behavior, I use the "you may be right" "sorry you feel that way" and I just picture jello people. I know no matter what I do in that moment they are jello and nothing is going to come from me trying to make them solid because they are in a gelatinous state. There is the 3 C's, serenity prayer, anything to do with the fact I am powerless over people, places, things and the past.

Good luck and right now giving this all to your HP and letting them sort it out would at least buy some peace in this situation before the visit happens.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
abbyal


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No one can make you feel inferior or guilty without your permission  - that statement was a real eye opener for me . when I accepted that it was booze talk and learned to ignore it and not react it stopped .. when the A sees that it is not affecting you any longer they become bored with the game and move on . Perhaps this time you can detach from what is going on , not get involved in the drama .  * damn that sounds easy *  hehe .  but of course I know it isnt .  remember your not responsible for anyones behavior but your own the alcoholics do what they do period .  Louise



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Lindaoakford


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I am so going to visualise my sister turning to Jelly/Jello. (I think you guys call Jam "jelly").. anyway.. a soft mushy food source.
Iwill also hand over her and my husband to my HP on the night as I know he will want to 'partake'.. and hey.. she isn't his sister is she.. go for it .. it is a party.
Not what I will be doing... but that is MY choice. I will offer to drive, that will drive her nuts but it will keep me sane.



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maresie


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I can definitely relate to the enmeshed relationships with siblings.

I am still recovering on so many levels from a visit to my family of origin more than 10 years ago.

When I visited then I had some boundaries, not more.  I ended up going to stay in a hotel.  Needless to say my expectations were not realistic.

One of my primary sources of grief has been that neither of my sisters sought recovery at all.  One has remained an alcoholic, albeit a functional one (harm reduction meant she did cut back), the other a bully and a manipulative person.

What had to change was my expectations.  I now expect them to be dysfunctional, make things up and not be supportive.  As long as I was longing and hoping I was setting myself up.

To get there has been a huge undertaking, one of grief, rage, ranting, therapy and of course al anon.  There is also a huge geograpic distance between me and my family of origin.  Needless to say there were plenty of other "sisters" who showed up in my life in various forms until I did the boundary, grief and rage work to start looking at how I set myself up.

I went to a party this weekend for a co worker.  Everyone there was drinking, I knew very few of them.  Nevertheless huge issues came up. One of my therapists once said parties are big things.  He spoke about having to work through all those expectations beforehand.  I had no idea of what he was talking about then.  I know I do now.  I have had to let go of comparsions.  The party I went to on Sunday was for a couple who are very well off, have a beautiful home and lots of resources.  I have few, a chaotic home and a very difficult life.  I can put them on a pedastel and think they have it "all" and I don't.  I doubt that is the case.  I am sure they have plenty of issues too I just don't know what they are right now. 

Detaching is a huge issue.  I have been thinking about this party for a long time.  I wanted to dress up.  Thank goodness I did not since no one else was.  I wanted to be the center of attention.  They had a band so that would have been somewhat difficult!  After all they had microphones!

Know you have people around here who are willing to listen.  Do as much emotional work as you can prior to the event and keep observing, detaching and working on yourself.

Maresie.



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maresie
GailMichelle


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Oh Linda, that is tough!

But remember that she is ill. I know I had a loved one who was mentally ill and when I realized this fact, it made it a bit easier to deal with. You have new tools; use them to the best of your ability! Progress, not perfection. You're growing; your posts reflect that.

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
maresie


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I think its also really good to come up with a plan be. Having an "out".

One of the things I found most difficult with the ex A was that there was no out.

His family Christmas were interminable.  I was left with his mother (who wanted us to arrive hours early).  He went with his brother to smoke dope.  I had no way to leave I thought.  I actually had I just didn't want to exercise them!

Come up with ways to leave, divert, remove yourself if need be.  Obviously all of that is hard and new behavior.

I'm learning that I don't have to be anywhere for ever like I used to think I had to.  I can leave quietly with no fuss.  I can remove myself go take a walk.  I can go do some task and remove myself.  Of course the issue always is for me and may always be what are my triggers how do I manage them.  No one is more adept at pushing into those triggers than a family member.

Maresie.



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maresie
Lindaoakford


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Thanks

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and I had a chat with my husband last night.

He doesn't want the hassles either. 

If she totally starts on me he will interject but as he said, he won't be polite about it. 

I would like to divert it before it gets to that point and have said to him that if I say I am going, or want to go to bed, he will come with me.  He is happy to not be around her either. 

I will play it by ear, my thoughts are that she will hve a dinner with family and maybe a few friends, and then it will just be us and our partners at her house. 

I will keep it together and hand her over to the universe during the night.



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Debilyn


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It is very sad when family is poison to us.

Myself I refuse to swallow it.

I learned to think, when someone was awful, that they are the wind. completely ignore them. To say anything, any response is showing they have control over you. i will not give them that power.

It sounds like she is very, very ill. NO excuse. When she blurts out things that are uncomfortble, I am one that ignores, pretends it was not said.

When someone is not appropriate to me, I instantly go into protect me mode. Recently someone who I do not know said some horrible things to me. I said thats it, I am not going to listen to this anymore. Then I turned around and said,"I will pray for you." made him even madder. I said it again. Then said,"It is not our job to judge."

He is someone in a powerful position. But that does not make him superior. Samuel in the Bible.

My brother pulled that bolony. Told everyone at school i was pg. told my daddy I took all my dying mothers money, he died thinking this to be true, told my moms friends lies when mother was dying so they all turned against me after she died. that hurt horrible.

I have NEVER confronted him. Not my job. My aunt is prejudice. I do say something after she says something awful. She wants to talk to a WHITE person when she calls for help from the phone company or...I said I just want any person who knows what they are doing. I don't care what color they are. I do NOT speak or see her. She did NOT give me Gramas rings as gma promised.

sigh. So I hope you and husband will be ok.  You seem like quite a lady now! We all do stupid things when we are young!

hugs! debilyn



-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 9th of September 2011 01:53:24 AM

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