In the morning I am going on my very first fourth date to have breakfast. That seems really strange considering I had a 6 year high school relationship, an 11 year marriage/relationship, and 2 other year or so relationships in my life. Being honest though each of those relationships never had fourth dates ... they simply became a routine without any real decision making or consideration.

The last couple years I have dated and learned alot about myself and my reactions to other people. The tools AlAnon has given me have kept my focus and self care on myself and my goals rather than on anyone else. Knowing how much work it has taken to build a life for myself that I am happy with has made it much easier to simplify the dating process. I have used detachment in regards to positive personality traits to not fall into a habit of seeing someone as much as I have used detachment to honestly assess potential negative personality traits and habits. Awareness of my true reactions to outlooks, attitudes, red flags or any other quirk that felt wrong or triggered the symptoms of my caretaking and codependent habits have been closely monitored and the right decisions for me have been made each time. Although I have met a couple nice people who made it to the just friends zone, I am in new and uncharted waters with this date.

After making the decision (novel concept ... deciding not just accepting or as my latest habit denying ) the invitation I continued thinking about the reasons why I was accepting. The first and foremost reason is that as already proven in the last three meetings there is always more to talk about than there is time to talk in and neither of us need anything more exciting in environment than that, it is enough. And then there is my pro/com list, as of now all the qualities and personality traits I have witnessed I value and the ones that conflict with my values are not present. My special consideration rule of anyone who has more than one to two times free a week is simply not busy enough to allow for me to stay busy in my own way is covered as proven by the 3 months of unhurried emails added to 5 weeks to reach the 4th date mark. Patience and no pressure on either side ... I am getting the opportunity to really see .. participate in healthy.

Today I was here reading and Devon's post/replies made a big impression as well in my awareness of why this particular person and situation has allowed me to make the decision to allow it a little more freedom to extend to a fourth date. Linda reminded me of the importance of being aware of my own need for honesty and that just because I feel, observe, hear no falsehoods does not mean I should just find this person's truth to be compatible with mine. So far I do find his truth to be compatible to mine. Linbaba provided "watch the feet" ... I can and have been doing that, the result is a large part of my reasoning. Along with "she will be rigorously honest with you, and have the ability to navigate complex emotional situations with some good tools", I am and do. And something very important that I had not aknowledged previously is that I recognize a form of my program ... by whatever means he has acquired it (is not really any of my business) that Linbaba summed up well with this statement "there is an emotional reciprocity, open-ness, honesty and communication that is staggering". And the absolute best part of all is my previous decisions to not continue dating makes more sense now, even the vague this just does not feel right ones are clear.

What a joy to have my worst scenario date to only need a backup plan for great conversation and a bad breakfast

Jen