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I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I am having some super high anxiety, trying to cope through my work week as chipper as possible and keep good face with my friends. I have been going on outings with friends just trying to keep my mind at ease and positive, but I guess I should give you the background of my story. If you have advice or wisdom to share, I am open
My live in boyfriend relapsed on heroin and was put on suboxone this past year. This past year has been a down right nightmare, my heart is broken and my trust is almost null. I have been lied to time and time again. I pretend to rationalize things that are legitamitely shady to avoid facing the hard truth. He relapsed a second time, which i found out by reading his journal. I have snooped before when I felt something was up, suspicions were always confirmed and I wouldn't feel any better for "finding" proof of it because I invaded his privacy. I fessed up about it and it was a big fight and rough patch. since then he has relapsed yet again and at that point I really just lost it. I was devastated. After all that he went through, all that we went through. Suboxone is the worst management there is but I just feel like either way I can't trust him.
He just admitted into a treatment center and I am proud of him and there is hope but I am struggling to let go of the past and I sometimes have doubts about his love for me. The manipulation, lying and sneaky behavior; not to mention I am paying all the bills. I am starting to get tired and overall resentful. However, I love him so much and we have had too many beautiful times together. Your thoughts and insight will be appreciated. I really need some support from people who relate.
I can relate. Addiction is terrible. It's very confusing. Likely, it seems he doesn't love you because of all the poor choices, thoughtlessness, financial irresponsibility, but...if you take yourself out of the equation...he would be all of those things on his own. Why?...because addiction does that to people. It takes over and MAKES them that way. Not to be used as an excuse, but an explanation. He loves you as best he can with his addiction is the most likely answer.
I pray you both work your way through this. It's going to be a struggle no matter what, but with alanon I think you will find more of your own stability and not have to feel so rocked by his own ongoing struggles with addiction.
I'm so glad to hear that you are going to an alanon meeting because it helps. It's not going to tell you how to fix your addict, it's going to give you tools to help you heal yourself. I like what Pinkchip said about taking you out of the equation of your A's addiction, because for my own healing I take my AH out of the equation. Nothing to do with not loving him, having everything to do with having to see things in my own mind clearly and the only way that I can do that is to just seem me in my healing equation.
Alanon is going to help you find the way back to yourself and lift the veil of anger so you can see yourself again instead of just seeing your A's addiction. There is always hope for us and even hope for the addict, it's up to the addict to heal and all we can do is focus on ourselves and our own healing.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much, i was literally in tears before finding this forum like 15 minutes ago. I suspect his cheated on me before as well, very early in our relationship of 2 years. I'm tired of feeling jealous, anxious, betrayed and misled. How do I avoid being hyper vigilant or invasive about his actions? I don't want to be that way, that's not who I am. And yet those are the thoughts that race through my head. I didn't sleep at all last night with worry and anxiety. I feel so much better to have some loving and kind words from you both. Thanks PinkChip; Pushka. I really am going to need to focus on me and my own friends and family. I have alot of good things going on in my life that I have been struggling to carry on and enjoy because of my AH's problems. They are his problems, not mine. It feels good to say that.
Despite it all, I have managed to keep a high grade point average in a competive grad school program, find a full time job that I am starting to enjoy and got my first puppy 2 weeks ago. It has been draining and sickening to carry the fear of his rejection if I don't accomodate his every need, the fear of his lies and dishonest behavior. I am going to focus on staying fit (got a gym membership); revitalizing my friendships; reconnecting with family and training/loving my new pup.
If he comes back with some true committment to his recovery and more transparency about his actions I will be open to seeing our relationship through. Otherwise, I can only wish him the best and stay true to me. I am looking forward to connecting with Al Anon folks and making valuable friendships.
I'm sure al anon can help you, it definitely did for me. It was so freeing just to have somewhere to go where it was all about ME ! My feeling was that never in my life had it been all about me, before al anon.... I found it scary, unfamiliar and confronting as well, but its been so worth it.
I think I have shared about this elsewhere, but I have also experienced an affair in a relationship. THis for us was a huge issue, and it took several years to rebuild trust and love. I am sending hugs and courage, strength and hope, which i am sure you will find in abundance at your meetings !
elizabeth, welcome to MIP. This message board is a place to learn, a place to share, a place to receive support and encouragement, and ESH (experience, strength and hope) I'm glad you found it. That's great that your BF went back into treatment. Maybe it will help him. Maybe not. But either way, you can help yourself and begin your own recovery by focusing on and taking care of you. I hope you do go to that meeting tomorrow night. Keep up with your friends and family. And enjoy that new puppy! Please keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP and it sounds like you found the right place. Addiction is just a terrible and chaotic thing to deal with. I am so glad to hear you are making it to a meeting, that is where I found the greatest people and greatest information and literature to help me grow out of crisis mode and to stop obsessing about the people around me and focus on myself. You are already ahead of me if you are self supporting, it took me a long time to do just that, but now I am and it feels good to be independent that way. I am sending you love and support and I hope you make it to the meeting.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hey there, welcome here :) I have gone through much the same, my A-fiance is also a heroin addict...he is on suboxone right now actually. Instead of heroin he is now drinking, though his drinking has slowed and lessened since I began alanon. The changes I am doing are helping me feel better and giving the disease and his stuff back to him. I still slip up sometimes and fall into checking, snooping etc. but it never makes me feel good so I am getting better at not doing that. Going to alanon meetings is my number one tool to getting better. There is some great literature out there, One Day at a time in alanon, Courage to change, and As we understood. There are great pod casts of speakers from alanon on XA Speakers website (google XA Speakers).... The biggest thing I am doing is working on me and no matter what he does, I need to get better. I know just the pain you are going through. HUGS! Keep coming, give alanon a try, especially while he is in the treatment center. Take this time to take care of you :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
thank you so much, ive noted down some of the pod casts and readings suggested.We are definately on the same boat "youfoundme" I find myself falling into the snooping game and it makes me sick and anxiety ridden. I feel so much better talking to people I love and reaching out for support instead of delving into his world and private things that generally make me upset. He has a problem and I need to let him deal with it and fix it. My mom told me I have to let go of the past and forgive him if I really love him. I've been thinking about forgiveness and mostly letting the past stay in past. It's still hard, about two or three times a day, I'll think to myself "that a-hole really tricked me!" But it just brings me pack to negative space. Today I was able to walk and bath my dogs, clean the yard, eat a little and enjoy being in my home without milling over negative thoughts. I feel greatful for this day and plan on taking each day at a time. Thanks everyone, you all are great people. I am going to another Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and reaching out to get a sponsor. HUGS!
hi- some addicts reform themselves and mend these broken trusts- some dont its up to you to guess just how bad he is- i wuld say- if he is sticking mostly to the pescribed program that he is dooing very well indeed
yes- that shocked you didnt it!lol
its normal t relapse- to go down to using once a week- then once a month and then cut the final ties
i actually think hes getting there
contact me if you need help- as i have been through it all myself and am a reformed character!
I have to give you sme light here...i know so many reformed characters- some die and end up complete losers- but some of us have strength of character that shows through-- i actually know so many people who are entirely off it now and they are loving it.
my gut instinct is telling me- hes trying- and its worth sticking with
why dont you let him get on with his recovery- and stop stressing over his shoulder right now- if hes worth it hell come to you when its done- right now he has a lot of work to do on his own feet im afraid.
but my gut instinct is telling me- dont write this fella off- i think hes going to make it xxxxx
Elizabeth, We have all been through the same things that you have. Don't give up hope! I would suggest you go to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can find. You will hear different things and the same things at all of them. You will hear what you need to hear at this time. You don't have to talk and if you are in a discussion meeting just Pass when they get to you. Do exactly what the program tells you to do. Don't try to change anything or improvise. The Program works if you work it. Get calling lists from every meeting you attend. You can call people on the lists whenever you need to talk. Ask at a meeting you feel comfortable in if anyone could be your temporary sponsor. (A sponsor is like your personal sounding board, someone who completely knows what you are going through because she has been through it, too. It is one person who knows all about you, the good, bad and ugly, and will love you because of your flaws.) Just listen a lot more than you talk. Listen to the good things the people in the meetings will say to you. Believe nothing negative from your boyfriend. He is ONE we are MANY. The majority of opinions wins. Hang in there!
Just keep coming back. There are quite a few people here that understand your problems as few others could. If you keep an open mind you will find help. We are here for you in love and support.
