"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

nicjon · Newbie

Stuck trying to figure out why he drinks

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Nicjon,

The only thing I can say is that there is no good reason that is going to make sense to me. I mean I can rationalize it, I can look at it logically, I can even disect my AH and his childhood. Even if I understand the reason why, I will never be able to control the addiction. So it really doesn't matter why. It just is, the reality is that my AH is an alcoholic and I have to deal with that reality. I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism and any other addiction issue that may be inserted into said spot.

I hope you will stick around the boards and if you aren't right now you will consider going to a face to face meeting because those really make big differences in my dealings with my AH. He's actually a good guy who happens to be an addict. I had forgotten that I actually liked my AH for a number of reasons, I dislike the addiction aspect of things.

3 C's - I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I will not cure it. That for me sums up my power in regards to addiction.

Hugs and please keep coming back :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Nicjon

Welcome to MIP

I think we all wanted to figure out "Why" they drank so that we could "Change it or Fix it" They true answer to why is that they are alcoholic and that it is a progressive disease It does not get better only worse. Relapses after long periods of sobriety will often find the alcoholic much worse than before he stopped. The disease is progressing even if he is not drinking.

The best we as partners to alcoholics can do is Learn new ways to respond to the disease so that we can have serenity and courage and wisdom in our lives.

Your best efforts can be directed to learning to take care of you in this situation Please look up alanon in the white pages of the telephone directory and try the face to face meetings. They and this Board saved my sanity and life

Please keep coming back here and sharing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

There is no rationalizing insanity. He is a very sick person, has always been an addict. Just was not drinking as heavy for awhile, maybe. My A told me when I said well some say he is not drinking. His response was, well is she following him in the bathroom?

We have no control over their using. It's a horrible disease that over time gets so much worse. It causes all kinds of damage to every single cell of the body.

He drinks because he is an addict. A person who's dna predisposes him to be one. there is NO cure.

Their brain is damaged hon, of course he is off. It is horrible what it does to their organs! Their blood gets this sludgey stuff that blocks veins and can cause organs to die. The liver is damaged, then tries to repair itself. The scaring in the liver does not work like a regular filtering liver. Cirrosis.

Al Anon can help you to focus away from them and teach you how to be ok. It explains what makes it vital to work on our needs and wants.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you wrong trying to figure out why he drinks ? No your not but it is a waste of time your never going to understand completley his compulsion to drink any more than he will understand how this affects you .. this is a disease and its more powerful than you are he wont stop until he says enough it will only get worse . there is nothing you can do about him but alot you can do for yourself please find Al-Anon for yourself learn all you can about this disease and how to stop letting it run your life .. you need support from people who understand how your feeling .All you need to understand is that YOUR not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says , your simply not that powerful to make anyone drink or STOP. blaming you is how he keeps from looking at himself . Louise

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only say that the things people said here before me are all things they told me back when I first came here. Going to alanon meetings and getting my self into recovery are whats working. I go to meetings, got a sponsor, read alanon literature and come on here and work the program by posting to others what is working for me right now.

There is no reason and every reason that they drink. They drink because they are happy, sad, mad, normal...because the sun is out, because its raining... there is no reason and every reason...
You are not the reason. He will say that, but its not true. Take care of you, its what works :)
HUGS!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi nicjon and welcome to MIP, it sounds like you found the right place. I want to say I spent a lot of years trying to figure out why my A drank and it drove me crazy when I finally gave up, because I figured out it wasn't a rational answer that would ever stay the same or make any sense. I found Al-anon and this board and found a sponsor. And now it makes sense to me after reading a lot of Al-anon literature, getting to meetings and working the steps. I have releasded him to work on him and I am working on me. I am sending you love nad support!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Not wrong, but would it make a difference? The why doesn't change the fact that he does.

In my experience, the whole answer is that alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. Period, the end. If you ask them, they'll give you a million reasons - they're drinking to celebrate a good day. They're drinking because it was a bad day. They're drinking because other people are drinking. They're drinking because they're stressed. They're drinking because the sky is blue. Whatever. When you're an alcoholic and trying to hide how much and when, you will point to ANY excuse to justify your behavior because the last thing you want to do is admit that there's a problem. But really ... under it all, they drink because they're alcoholics and that's just what alcoholics do. No amount of logic will make this exactly make sense to me because I am not an alcoholic and I have never experienced a physical craving for alcohol. I have experienced insane obsession with figuring out why and what my AH is doing, though...I liken my obsession to checking up on him to his obsession with alcohol. I can't answer why I obsess and check up because there's no logical answer. I do it because I'm addicted. That's it, and that's all.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Nicole - I don't think there is any 'right or wrong', per se - but it was explained to me that we should focus more on the "whats" than the "whys"...... For me, in the end, the only explanation as to "why" my A drank was that, quite simply, she was an alcoholic....

"He will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do"

Choose recovery - for yourself.....

Take care

Tom

nicjon · Newbie

Thank you to everyone who responded ... It makes me feel not quite so alone in this struggle.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"