Is Anger and Rudeness part of the Dry Drunk Syndrome? - Al-Anon Family Group

Eliza · Newbie

Is Anger and Rudeness part of the Dry Drunk Syndrome?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Eliza....Anger and Rudeness is part of character and not only an alcoholic...dry or drinking even though they carry a bigger spotlight with them when they are acting out. I have to remember that I also don't make the situation easier with the resentments I carry against them and from stuff in the past.

Good people often times do absolutely bad things and for me I've got to attend to my own value systems and work at keeping Anger and Rudeness from spilling over to someone else.

His Anger and Rudeness is his...you don't have to take it personally and you can detach from it in all the ways available to us without slinging some of it back. Its a snydrome of a human being being out of self control and not being in acceptance and respect.

Sorry you gotta be around it...it sucks and you can get out of the way.

((((hugs)))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH was sober for 15 years and I swear that he was worse when he was sober than he is now that he's drinking again. He wound up getting really depressed, though, and is now on meds which are really helping with his anger. His anger was definitely related to anxiety and his manly way of handling fear was to lash out at everyone around him. He also suffered from some paranoia and trust issues which have gotten better since getting on meds. He finally is going to counseling, too, but it's been 16 years in the making and me bugging him all this time. I had finally put my foot down about 8 weeks ago and told him he has to get help or he will lose his family. So, now he's getting help but his drinking has increased. Apparently, his new antidepressant has a side effect of increasing the urge to drink. Umm, why would a doctor prescribe something like this to someone who has struggled with alcohol in the past? Anyway, I'm waiting things out but things have been 80% better despite his drinking again. I know you said that he refuses counseling and this is where you have to step back and NOT take ownership of it. Don't let his issues with self-control run your life, believe me I've been doing it too long and I'm finally working on standing up for myself and he's not liking it much but I'm not backing down anymore. Keep coming back and you'll get great answers and help here!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry is right on. It's the person not the affliction.

I have known wonderful people who just quit cold turkey and went on with their lives.

Its like saying people with cancer are all angry and depressed. Not true!

we can only change ourselves.

When my A was quiet, too quiet. I would go up to him and say, Oh debilyn I love you I want to give you a hug, he would smile and hug me!

For me humor got us thru the tough stuff. I was fortunate as my guy was funny.

love,deb

Too hard · Senior Member

Hi Eliza,

I have been living with a sober Husband now for 30 years , we will be married 50 years next year. He stopped drinking but was left with his personality.

When he is stressed or 'out of routine' or doing something which he does not really want to do he is very unpleasant, hostile and rude....this is frustrating and I can get angry.

I'm long past analyising why, especially when I am trying to be helpful, because it only prolongs my anger.

But;

A modern word which has popped up in the last 15 yrs or so is 'tough love' and those two words cover for me the Al-anon slogan 'First things first'.

This covers my needs first.... for determination to detach from his emotional problem, to silence, to serenity, to stay sane.

Also when an episode like this happens I often think this is too hard and I haul out my Al anon books again.

The very best to you, T.H.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I can respond from the point of view of watching my Dad get sober.

He has been in AA for 32 years. Never picked up a drink since Arpil 5th 1979. I remember the day well and it is etched in my mind. I was about to turn 8 years old

However.... Mum and Dad fought like cat and dog both in public and in private for the next numerous years... at least 5 years that I can think of. I remember being mortally embaressed as a teenager in teh shopping centre, I must have been 14 or so.. and my parents were screaming at each other and Dad was swearing right in the middle of the aisles..... ohhhh mmmmyyyy gggoooooddddd. I woke up to them yelling at each other every weekend while they were still in bed.
There was the stoney silences, Mum still talking about leaving (but naturally leaving me behind to live with Dad???), Mum still crying and extremely sad with her life and me having to comfort her and getting angry wit her for staying.... all that stuff continued... and he did not ever pick up a drink.

the dysfunction continued but he was sober. During that time I made the conclusion that Dad was just a 'not very nice man' regardless of if he drank or didn't drink.
I believe he has a borderline personality disorder. He is now 80 and the arguing to the extent that it was has stopped, mainly because they really live thier own lives and ahve been to marriage counselling. He still chucks little tanty fits like a child. Especially if he is stressed, and he gets stressed bascially if asked to do anything that isn't his idea and he doesnt' really want to do... I could go on and on...

what has challenged my opinon of the dry drunk is listening to members of this board who are both Al anon and AA. I am starting to think it may be more of a personality thing. there is such a thing as Dry Drunk and it is probably someone who is going to AA and not 'wrokign the program' much as there is people who try to stop drinking with no help for their other issues. Listening to those dual people is giving me a perspective that alcoholics (drinking or in AA) can be good nice people and not have a chip on thier shoulder for the rest of their lives (although at first I wondered about pinkchips name.. but I got it eventually)

In my work I try to look at my clients and think "ya know what.. I am irritable when I can't get chocolate, of course this person is irritable for not being able to drink in a society where it is at times, actively encouraged to drink"

It may be dry drunk, perhaps there is something else going on .. as the other post thread was suggesting.. perhaps he couldn't start his Harley?????

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually, the pink chip was for 60 days and that is when I joined the AA board of MIP.....when I had just 60 days sober. In south florida, surrender chip is white, 30 day chip yellow, 60 day pink, 90 day red, 6 month blue, and 9 months silver. So, 2 years and 9 months later, here I am :)

Linda, I am sad to say, I act just like how you described your dad sometimes. That "dry drunk behavior" is what we call acting like "king baby." My uncle who was in AA was also prone to this when not putting his program to good use. I don't think this is the case with all alcoholics who are sober but it's a common pattern even for those of us in AA (but those in AA are typically much much more peaceful). None of us are saints though....no matter how much sober time we accumulate.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

pink chip. Yeah I finally worked it out a few weeks ago, that it meant a chip for being sober.
Congratulations.

rrib · Senior Member

Being angry and resentful are common issues at AA meetings.

Page 66: open
"...If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

As an Al-Anon, my job when my spouse gets this way is to remember to not buy into her stuff and detach from it.

As a member of AA, one reason I continue to attend meetings is to aviod slipping back into an emotional state where I am angry and resentful. I believe what the book says about anger. It's poison because it leads back to the bottle.

More than anyting, alcoholism is an emotional problem. So the short answer to your question is 'yes', working a program helps. Just as working an Al-Anon program helps to detach from my spouses 'issues' and know that I can't help her with the stuff she needs to help herself with. Even though sometimes it's a royal pain to put up with.

-- Edited by rrib on Tuesday 6th of September 2011 01:37:56 PM

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