The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
really needed to come on here and share. I went to a meeting last night. People shared about their childhoods. In my share I said my childhood was good (i do have lots of good memeories of childhood my dad had lots of time for me). I said that my co dependency came from my mother and grandmother but I understand why cause my grandfather was a drinker no one is to blame. As other people shared about their childhood I id with a lot of there sufferings
I think I have been in denial about my childhood I love my mum and i know she loves me and has done her best. I think I have focused outside myself because of the hurt and emotional abuse and neglect as a child it has been as if I have lached on to people worse off so I can live in the fantasy that my childhood was better than a lot of other peoples. There childhoods were bad mine was not as bad as that so I do not have to face the pain.
as others were sharing last night my higher power was slowly pulling of my blanket of denial. this morning I feel sad I still do not blame my mum I know she is just a product of her own childhood, however it is as if the child in side me is saying no tracy you were hurt and all these feelings that I have surpressed our coming up. My alcoholic boyfriend is drinking again after 9 months he is one of the sick people i lacked on to becase his problems were always worse than mine and my childhood was nothing compared to his. Whe I was in pain last night he rang wanted to talk about him his problems sufferings I do not want to focus outside myself anymore. I want to face the truth and deal with my feelings. I want to focus on me get me better. This journey is scary but although I am having to feel my feelings I know I will feel better for it. Thanks really needed to get this all out of my head .
This share just reminds me to keep suiting up and showing up and leaving the rest to God. God shines the light on our areas of darkness... and it's safe to look at it. You are growing.
God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head, sweetie. Thank you for the beautiful share.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great awareness!! This program is certainly powerful I too discovered my motives when I finally sat still in meetings, listened with an open mind and let other people's shares touch my hear. t It is here and at other quiet times that HP has shown me where I "Live" and "Why" I finally learned to hear and act on the "Still small voce within".
Before program these were the only tools Deny the pain and focus on others. Today with program I have meetings, a sponsor, the Steps and alanon friends to : Finally acknowledge the pain , process it and let it go
Awesome awareness Tracy. I avoided facing some of the bigger things in my childhood by letting people know about the less scary wrongs from back than. I now see it all as a whole and am aware my parents did the best they could and both came from worse dysfunctions than what I knew. I still have a bad memory of my childhood and am not sure if I am blocking or just don't remember it all. I am giving ym children the best childhood I can give them and that is all I can do. This is a great recovery process when you work it and you are working it indeed! Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I totally understand, Tracy. Like a lightbulb going off and bringing you awareness despite the pain it brings you. When you're ready to deal with it, it gets revealed to you. I never knew I had a crappy childhood until my mother in law made a comment about it. She said, "Oh, poor dear, you must have felt so neglected and abandoned. Did anyone notice you standing on the sidelines?" What she was referring to was that I was sharing how my younger sister fought leukemia as a child. It took up years of our lives and our family's money. It tore my dad up so bad he started drinking more and he wouldn't talk to me about it. My mom was at the hospital with my sister all the time and I was pretty much left to fend for myself. So, she was saying that I must have felt neglected. As a kid, I just accepted what was. I didn't know any different. I didn't realize that their focus was all on her and I didn't even get jealous of all the attention she got. I loved my sister and I certainly didn't want her to die. So, as I grew up and looked back on things(among other things that were revealed to me over time) I realized that, yes, I was pushed aside. It wasn't on purpose, though. It was just how it had to be and I have no hard feelings about it but I'm sure it led to some of my co-dependent ways because I was abandoned for days on end. When I was 16 I came down with the chicken pox and because my sister couldn't be exposed to any viruses, they went on a family vacation and left me home. Gave me a box of oatmeal and said, "Sorry. Hope you feel better. The neighbor will check in on you." For years, every time I got sick I was sent to go live with someone else (even if I was exposed to an illness like strep throat or a stupid cold). I never got to get sick in my own home, I was always sent away. Anyway, my point was that I never understood that something like that could cause pain in the future. I never knew to ask for attention and no one pointed out the fact that I should receive more love or affection. Back then, leukemia was more deadly than it is now. Yet, now I look at my life and my sister's life and I realize she had it bad later on. My parents divorced because of the stress of her illness. My mother cheated on my dad and my dad turned to the bottle. My sister bounced between their 2 houses and my dad was verbally abusive to her as was his new girlfriend. My sister is 8 years younger than me so she didn't have me around to talk to as I was 2 states away in college by then. She rebelled, she got into all kinds of trouble, got involved with jerks, etc. Now, she's in a crappy marriage. So much for all that attention that was lavished on her when she was a child. It's amazing how our childhoods can shape us, isn't it?
