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I feel better this evening. Going to cook dinner for my son & I. Spent the day " talking to myself", "it's not about me", "I need to work on myself", "today the healing begins", "let go & let God", etc. I decided to look & see exactly what he's been up to. I wasn't angry, not looking for ammo, slightly amused though. What I did find was empty beer bottles, gin bottles, half full rum & validation that I'm not crazy that how much he's been drinking is unhealthy. Is what I did wrong? I knew he had been drinking, but I thought just beer. Again I'm not angry, just scared because it was far worse than I originally suspected. Also that even though he says he's going to stop it's just a ruse to shut me up. Baby steps, I know. I go to my counselor tomorrow & plan on picking up some books at Barnes & Noble. But at least I'm feeling better! :) I feel like I'm in control of me now, just hope I can continue..
When I used to snoop regardless of the reason, I used to feel upset as I was doing it. I was fearful of getting caught, of knowing I did something I would not be okay with someone doing to me.
Did knowing it was far worse than you suspected provide you any comfort or anything positive? Asking myself those questions usually provides me the answers I need.
For me, needing validation let's me know I have some work on me to do.
So great that you still feel okay even after what you found. Progress is a wonderful thing. :)
I have stopped looking but occassionally do a 'checkup' to see where he is up to.
I believe... and this is me ok.. not necessarily you.... that it is what I do with that information, and how I feel about doing it and how I feel while doing and after doing it.
I questions my motives of WHY I am doing it too.
I wanted to look the other day and I first sat down and said "Linda, why do you want to look" and then I sat quietly and the answer was... "I want to know if he smoked in the past few days" I didn't look. NOt the right reason. Previously my answer has been, "How much does he have left so I know if we/he have some dealing coming up" I looked and noted how much was left.
I didnt equate this to... ohh that means so many smokes in teh past however long... I didn't have a reaction, I just wanted to guage where he was up to.
Not sure if that makes sense. WHY are you looking, and what are you going to do with that information? You know he is drinking, you know now it is bad, or worse than you thought, so ... no more need to look for a while hey?????
I only "snoop" if I'm prepared to take full responsibility for the emotional state I choose to put myself into because it feels icky, then the fact remains, whatever I find I have no rights to take it to my AH. It's my issue not his. It's been a while and I really don't feel the need.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I looooved to snoop! But my therapist told me that if he seems to be drinking and misbehaving he probably is and doesn't matter if it seems under control or out of control, the disease its gonna show its ugly face sooner or later. I no longer worry about him drinking or smell him etc, cause if he is drinking it will be obvious at some point. Glad to hear you feel good though :)
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Ahhh snooping, one of my many addictions to my "mind and mood altering man"... Oh how I loved to snoop. It filled me up with anger and resentments and fed my disease. Oh and checking up on him with phone calls... and texts. Anyway, snooping makes me sicker so I am trying not to. I keep practicing my program... HUGS! Glad you are here :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
For me I have found a greater peace by snooping within in me to question my own motives and actions. I think the best way I have found was to work the steps with a sponsor to really take a look at why I had the desire and motivation to find out what they were doing so I would be o.k. The problem for me was that I was never o.k. when what I found confirmed what I already knew. The question became, so now what?
Healing for me began when I did that 5th step with my sponsor. She in a loving way helped to point out my patterns and reactions/responses to the events that were going on in my life. Awareness was one thing that really helped me in my recovery. I dont believe I could have acheived that without the help of a sponsor.
