The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am carrying a load that is finally too heavy to carry. For 17 years I have lived with someone who doesn't seem to see beyond himself. I've tried talking with him explaining how he treats me & the kids is hurtful & that he is the adult & needs to set an example. He just doesn't get it or if he does it is short lived. Or he turns it around on me & doesn't hold himself accountable. My oldest who moved out 3 years ago doesn't come to the house when he is here. My 16 year old daughter despises her dad & how things are at home. My youngest (14 years) see's how he treats me, he said once "sorry mom, I still like you even if dad doesn't".
He started drinking when he was 10. In 95 after 15 or so years of drinking he quit. Went to AA but was still difficult to live with. I rationalized his behavior with his development being stunted with the drinking. I watched as he treated the kids horribly, listened to how it was my fault they did things & "you need to".... I supported him when he wanted something then listened to him tell me you don't need that. I spent years alone while he was off doing what he wanted to do or just out in his man cave. When I wanted to do something I was given a guilt trip.
Last summer he had his first drink at a party, stopped (or so I believe) then started up again this spring. He stopped going to AA. He has been binge drinking alone & drinking in his truck while driving. He said he will stop if it means he can stay. What worries me is that the behavior will continue even if he isnt drinking. He refuses to go to a counselor, says he really doesn't want to quit, wont go back to AA, doesn't acknowledge how this is affecting me....
I am sick with anxiety, depression. We called a "truce" last week to start over & work on our marriage. I was given a list of things I needed to change/work on. I explained to him how I didn't want him drinking, I thought he got it. The following Wednesday he was drinking & I found out that Tuesday he had "a drink" even though he lied the first time when I asked about it. I know that I need to let go. I tell myself its his problem not mine. I know that I am part of the problem as well. I try to do things he asks but it never seems good enough, I always get the time I mess up thrown back in my face. I went to my first f2f mtg last night. Listened. I need to know how to let go before this sends me even deeper into a hole. I think I am at my rock bottom & he just doesn't get it.....
Hang in there, you're not alone! There's no rule book to this stuff but keep going to the meetings and reading the literature - it will get better! Take care of you first - love yourself as much as if not more than the person you love most in the world. Treat yourself the way you treat those who you love! You deserve it, and it sounds like you know that you do!!
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--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
The best thing that you can do is start taking care of yourself and stop focusing on what he is or is not doing. I know easy to say hard to do. Continue to go to your face to face meetings that will make a huge difference for you.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear littlemotel. You need as much of a support system as you can garner for yourself. There is help all around when you begin to seek it.
Your children also need help. Your younger ones would certainly benefit from alateen and the older one could benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Being proactive for yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your children. They are watching everything you do.
I say, most of all, be true to your own self and listen to your inner voice.
Hi and Welcome here :) ((((Littlemotel)))) I can tell you what was suggested to me when I came to this board: Try face to face alanon meetings, at least 6 in a row. Keep going to them. Come to this board and post. Read alanon literature. Read Getting Them Sober (great great book) and find a sponsor at the meetings. Well at first I didn't want to do that. I went sporadically to meetings. I came on here and tried to make my A do stuff to get better. I told him stuff, I yelled at him, I gave him the silent treatment, I tried to force drinks out of his hand, I tried to throw it away, I knew just how drunk he was. I even tried to phyiscally stop him from leaving to get booze (or drugs). I left alanon and then came back in April when I was on my knees and had no where else to go. I wanted to die because I felt insane...
Thats when I finally started meetings for real. I got the books, I got the sponsor, and I come here and post. I can't get to my meeting every week, but I go as much as possible. I talk with my sponsor every day. Now that summer is over, I am able to go to my meeting every week.
I learned that I have to let go and let God take care of my A. I have to get off his back and let him have his disease. Alanon helps me gain serenity whether my A keeps drinking/drugging or not. I am learning to take it day by day, just for today. I am changing and the pressure is letting up. Its gradual, but we didn't get sick in a day so we won't get better in a day. I listen to pod casts of Alanon speakers on XA speakers website. I am feeling better. Little by little. These are the things I learned when I first came here: I didn't cause him to drink, I can't cure his alcoholism and I cannot ever ever ever control his drinking. I can't use force, belittling, condecending, yelling, silent treatments, talks, discussions...none of it works, so I don't waste energy on that anymore. The changes in me are working because our house is different now and he sees the changes. The book Getting Them Sober is so good. One day at a time in alanon, the page for July 14. Most of all, take care of you. Thats what you need now. Alanon will support you in learning to do that. HUGS! Glad you are here ;)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi I am very new here so please listen to the long term people for what it is worth, I too am learning to detach. I found that like you, I was tired of this..... It is exhausting living my life and his and I noticed I was giving alot less to living my life in order to maintain some energy. He had all my energy's and my thoughts. I have rationalised handing things over and letting go because I don't want to do this anymore.... I thought I had to do it to make my life better. My thoughts were (and are at times) in order to make my life better, I will keep trying to make 'our' stuff better and get him to see the big picture.
I came here and read and read and read.
I decided that I don't want to do this anymore. I can do what I want and I don't have to do what I don't want to do. This is my life.
What I was doing wasn't working anyway, so try something different.
Nothing I do or have done has made him use or stop using..... nothing I have done since coming here has made him use or stop using.... but I am smiling a bit more.
HOW did I let it go.... I just stopped holding on. It wasn't what I DID to let go, its what I DON"T do. I refused to check up on him, I refused to have a conversation with myself about it, I refused to argue with myself over it anymore.
All if this helps. Knowing that it is possible to find happiness when it seems like everything else is spinning out of control. And hearing that it is ok to take care of myself for once & to !!!! with him. I have my issues, I will own them & let him own his. The irony is that last summer I did let go, let him do his own thing. I didn't want to be around him because of the mood swings. He drank for the first time in 15 or so years. Then told me if I'd been there he wouldn't have drank. All of our longtime friends were there & his brother. They watched him proceed to get drunk they know he's an alcoholic. I am angry that none of them bothered to call me, I am working on that. He now says he's drinking because he's lonely. Its because he pushed me away or just wasn't there. So I decide to live my life & he starts drinking again! He doesn't see it though. So now here we are. I'm ready to do things differently this time, for me & whether he joins or not is his choice.
