The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey Everybody. I'm probably just tired from five work days and watching H go through one week of opiate withdrawal. Today he's on top of the world he says because he got through it. When I got home from work he tried to seduce me but lately I've been as low as I've ever been in my life. When he asked me "what's wrong?" I didn't even try to answer because I've learned through the years that if it isn't about him it doesn't count. So I went upstairs and took a bath.
Anyway there were fireworks and a band below where we live for a weekend event. We were invited to neighbors' tonight but I didn't feel like doing that either.
I'm finding joy in seeing my grown daughter's happiness and success in her personal life and career. She's funny and precious and I'm proud of her. My best girlfriends light up my life too. Other than that I'm struggling. The tears are streaming down my face right now. I don't want to bring them down even though they're my friends through good times and bad. Still I don't want to infect them with this mood.
I know some of you have been through similar feelings so thought I would post. At a recent f2f a newcomer said he came because he's tired. That's how I'm feeling. Just tired. I don't want to do it anymore. Thanks for reading. Love to all of you.
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Are you doing any kind of selfcare? Going to meetings? What are you doing for just you?? Sometimes when the point of pain outweighs what I call the emotional payoff then it's time to get yourself to a meeting (that's my own self talk). If you don't take care of you who is going to??
I find when I am in that much pain I have to do something to shock myself out of it for lack of a better term. A gratitude list (A - Z) something that puts my mind on me. Reading alanon lit is a biggie. Believe it or not the hardest part for the sober spouse is when their other half gets sober, especially if they are not in their own recovery program. People think oh if only the A would get help my life will be better. Guess what?! A gets sober and the sober spouse who has been sober because of all of the insanity of the A's behavior, triggers the crazy codependent behavior, we go through our own detox and it's really not pretty.
You are not alone. You have to work your own program to get yourself healthy. Once again if you don't take care of yourself who is going to?
Hugs, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you Mlkiss and Pushka for your thoughtful replies. I'm not crying anymore so that's progress. Pushka I am a grateful Alanon member. I go to one f2f meeting per week. This past week I missed my f2f but attended 3 online ones. My H isn't in recovery and that's part of my sadness. He does this without surrendering to powerlessness. He rants and raves that he's not an addict. Of course he is. His DOC is prescription meds. I started going to therapy and continued with Alanon so far for about a year. I'm going to do exactly what you said and write an A to Z gratitude list. Thank you for that great suggestion!
I know that empty, lonely feeling myself. Everything sucks and it's never gonna end!!
Attitude lessons helped me alot and one that came from an Alateen...Happiness is an inside job (lovely). My psy also said something to me that in an instant I knew was ludicrous and then the next instant accepted it as real. "I am responsible for what I think."
The program works when I work it and all negative conditions become temporary.
It's okay to change your attitude...pick one that's good and then work it. Your addict is well your addict. They are neither very good or very bad...just very sick. While mine was sick and doing what was necessary to get and keep herself sick I learned how to live my own life. You can to. Stay with the fellowship and if you still have those old phone numbers...callem. ((((hugs))))
This was shared at a recent F2F meeting, I love it:
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well, she said, I think Ill braid my hair today. So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. H-M-M, she said, I think Ill part my hair down the middle today. So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. Well, she said, today Im going to wear my hair in a pony tail.
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasnt a single hair on her head. YAY! she exclaimed. I dont have to fix my hair today!
For me when I get to that point of I am just so tired, I go to more meetings. I myself attend seven per week. The meetings help give me the balance I need. I lean on my home group for the love, support, understanding and peace I find by attending a meeting.
I live with active alcoholism and it is all around me, father, Mother In Law, extended family etc. Talking things out with my sponsor is another key to getting the garbage out of my head and my soul. She gives me good orderly direction and turns my focus off of the problem and guides me to a solution.
A problem shared is a problem divided, not a problem solved. I find my true strength, peace and serenity in the relationship I have developed with my HP. When I invite Him into my day and turn my issues over to Him, I have a shot of tapping into the unabiding love and direction He has waiting for me.
What makes you think you don't deserve the love and respect from your friends and the rest of your family? Diminishing your support system and not utilizing them only hurts you. People who really care about you are going to be there through the good and the bad. Do you think any of them want you to just cry and be sad all by yourself?
I feel better after helping a friend who is upset and I know you do too. Try not to isolate and discount the importance of your own need for support from others.
Wow do I appreciate all this love and support! Thank you all so much for your responses.
Pinkchip you are right of course. This was my first post asking for help. I've posted to help other MIPers 31 times. So I'll make learning to seek support in a healthy way part of my recovery.
My girlfriends and I love each other no matter what, as I said. They're always there for me. We laugh together and cry together. We lift each other up. Last night I couldn't muster the energy to call even one of them but I'm so glad that at least I managed to post here. I do tend to isolate when I get this tired of it. My work requires me to socialize and be up at all times and so by Saturday night I'm ready to escape, shut the door, and turn off the phone.
What I want is not possible, and I'm still new in my own recovery and haven't surrendered to my powerlessness over that. So I'll do it here and now with you all. I'm powerless over my longing to come home to a friend and companion. I'm powerless over my aching to feel connected to my husband. I'm powerless over my husband's inability to be my friend and companion because of his narcissism and addictions.
Chicka thank you for that woman with three hairs on her head. So funny and what a great visual to think of. At least they were on her head and not coming out of her nose.
Tommy thank you for telling me that you go to a meeting every day. I'll find more meetings because I always suffer when I miss an f2f. I sort of thought that was ridiculous but hearing you say you go every day puts it into perspective. I'll go to as many as I need to to find the balance.
Once of my friends encourages me to read the Bible and pray. That's where her strength and serenity comes from. My mother taught me that you find Jesus in people and God in nature. All of you proved her point. Thanks again to you all for your kind support.
