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I have a question about the codependence of an Alcoholic. And my own detachment too. I noticed that this past weekend, my AH and I had a good weekend but he was very needy.I spent all day Saturday away visiting my daughter and then Sunday he was so clingy and over-attentive. I have a hard time accepting the attention but went along.Then Monday the tables turned and he jumped on me and yelled at me twice for really stupid reasons.Do you think this cycle is part of his codependence? I started to fight back but then I found myself really pulling back and distancing myself.It was like detachment but I really was more fed up than anything.I found myself questioning whether it was all worth it regardless of my changes and his changes.And I also started suspecting he had been drinking, but really tried not to focus on that.Well after my detachment, hes back to being overly kind and attentive today.We are still on a roller coaster.Its not the same old fighting and making up roller coaster, but its a roller coaster all the same.So I guess if I have a question, it would be am I experiencing detachment or self preservation?Are they one in the same?
I don't know about active A's 'codependence' per se..... Sounds to me like you are witnessing the classic "I love you - I hate you - I love you" roller coaster that active A's often give to those around them.... it is definitely a roller coaster, and completely overwhelming to deal with - without recovery for yourself.... It is this type of up & down that drives most of us bonkers, and until we understand/accept what is going on around us, we keep trying to make 'sense out of nonsense'...
In my experience, you will likely find that 'your behaviors' have less influence over his behaviors than you might think..... As an active A, he IS going to be on the roller coaster ride.... With the choices in front of you (Al-Anon) etc., you have the choice of whether or not you want to buy a ticket (and that, in a nutshell, is detachment)...
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom - that makes sense. I have to say that what has impressed me most about Alanon and MIP is that I DO have choices. I always felt so TRAPPED. I felt like the victim who had no where to go and could only react to those around me. And it caused a lot of hopelessness in me. Now I see, I do have choices and I don't have to react or buy that ticket. I caught myself pretty quickly this time and was so glad I did.
one more question for you Tom - is the "I love you, I hate you " Rollercoaster really more about his feelings about himself? I think when I have felt that way towards him, I realized it was really more about how I was feeling about myself than him. But in his AH mind, if he sees me as the problem, maybe it's not coming from that place. I guess these questions are what cause us to fear that we are always on the verge of being rejected or left. And maybe that's where they want us to be, off balance.
The "I love you, I hate you" roller coaster comes from an unhealthy place of "I need you but I don't want to need you so much." It is because he is sick and dependent on you and scared to lose you but also angry that he has an addiction and is limited in his functioning.
This is common in couples where there is addiction. It is called a hostile dependency. Very volatile.
This may not be the case in full here, but it does seem like some of the dynamic going on.
Yep... what Pinkchip said..... I think it's 99% about him and his mixed-up feelings for himself.... Active A's typically don't know "how" to have healthy, mature relationships, so their love, although very intense at times, is typically way more on the 'toxic' side, as opposed to the 'healthy' side.... To me, this is what AA teaches, and is the real value behind it.... it is a program that goes so far beyond simply "stopping drinking", but helps them re-gain the life skills they need to be healthy and happy.
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
