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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need help with a problem, please!
Post Info TOPIC: I need help with a problem, please!
Anne01


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I need help with a problem, please!
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confuse  My father was an alcoholic, my grandfather was also, I have 3 brothers who are alcoholic. One is sober, one is actively drinking, and the other is in rehab., for the 4th time, I think it is, I've lost count. He is 44 and been in jail for a total of about 10 years. He has driven without insurance and a license for a very long time, he has eluded police a few times, he has 9, yes, 9 DUIs, and will not get his license til 2028. He is getting out of rehab again in 2 months, does not have a house to go to, he asked me if he could stay here at my home for a few weeks or a month or two, which I have let him do 2 or 3 times before. And it went OK when he was here. But, I said no this time partly because my daughter said I shouldn't do it again, it's unrelenting. My daughter is a 32 year old RN and a paramedic, and the police help to protect her when she goes on a call, and the same police who protect my daughter are the same ones who arrest my brother. When my brother wrote and asked me if he could stay here, my heart sank, "not again". I love my brother, but I have a very difficult time with him not going to AA in the past, he said he doesn't need it. This time he said he would go. How do I know if this time will be THE time that he gets it right? I know it is a disease, but he doesn't seem to think he needs help when he gets out. He has a son and a daughter who are waiting for him to get out of jail and have a normal life. I am feeling guilty about saying no, my question is, am I doing the right thing? My other 3 brothers have said no also, they don't trust him. My brother lies a lot. I am nervous when he is here, but yet I want the best for him. But, I don't like it that this keeps happening. Suggestions? THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.



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lasthope


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Posts: 57
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Addiction sucks the life out of everyone it touches until we surrender to our
powerlessness over it. You are asking for suggestions so I'll send one with
kindness and tenderness. Take what you like precious Anne
and leave the rest.

You can love your brother without enabling his addiction. Since you've taught
him in the past that you'll take him in regardless of his choices, he'll be relentless.
Because he's an addict in denial, he'll lie to protect his addiction.
He respects no one and nothing, not you,
nor all the people whose lives he endangers when he drives drunk.
If the first nine DUIs didn't
shake his denial, how will you letting him live with you between jail and rehab help?

You MUST take care of yourself and that means setting a healthy boundary. Letting
an alcoholic, lying, felon who happens to be your brother whom you love,
who has done nothing to earn your trust, live with you
isn't taking care of yourself. If you want the best for him then model taking care of
yourself.

I wouldn't wish your dilemma on anyone. Sending love and hope to YOU.

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Pushka


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You have done what is right for you, as bad as you feel now, think about the negative things that go with it. You know your situation best.

"My other 3 brothers have said no also, they don't trust him. My brother lies a lot." These are brothers who are either recovering or trying to I would be taking their lead in this one. This has nothing to do with not loving your other brother brother and everything to do with loving yourself. You can be supportive of him without enabling him.

I hope you can find a face to face meeting, because it really does help especially in situations like this. You are not alone in having to make (painfully hard) decisions and not being sure if you are going down right path or not. The thing is it's different hearing other people say it I don't know why that is? It just is different.

Hugs, sending love and support, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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I remember this post from awhile back. Did you just need more feedback?

If we take them in they learn nothing. They disrupt wherever they go, is the nature of the disease.

love,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
GailMichelle


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Hi Anne,

I do understand the agony that you're experiencing.  I think all of us do here at MIP.

Based on my experiences with loved ones (including my exAH) I believe the most loving decision I can do for them is allow them to experience the consequences of their actions/choices.

Allowing myself to be abused and used by them didn't help them.  I see that now.

Sorry if this has already been asked of you:  have you attended Al-anon meetings?  Are they available in your area?  Can you get a couple of the daily readers that Al-Anon publishes? 

It's tough to say no when you are used to saying yes.  I find that I need the support of meetings, literature and this board to keep my strength up.

Truly, once your brother gets sick and tired of his poor choices, he will find a way to change his life. 

Take good care, Gail



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
rrib


Senior Member

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Posts: 256
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GailMichelle wrote:

" ... the most loving decision I can do for them is allow them to experience the consequences of their actions/choices."

Amen.

I think you said you took him in before. It did not help. If it didn't help then, what is differant about this time besides another empty promise?



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hawaiilover


Senior Member

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Posts: 180
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Dear Anne,

I agree with all the comments. Sounds like denial is still very much present. Can't see how change can occur if your brother's has not had a renewed mind. You are right to follow your heart. Good for you. Alcoholics always find their way around. Trust me on this one!

Best wishes,

Hawaii



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Anne01


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Posts: 19
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Thank you to all who responded. I appreciate your help. This is such a difficult situation as you all know.

ANNE



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pinkchip


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Anne, there are ways to find recovery for ANYONE who wants it. If he wants it bad enough he will make use of systems that are in place to help addicts and alcoholics recover. That is what halfway houses are for. Yes, he will make it sound like you are his only option and if you say no you are basically killing him but that is not the case. Your oldest brother is sober and will tell you "it takes what it takes." If a person wants to drink so badly that they will make themselves homeless to do it...then that is the bottom that they need to hit.

How will you know if he is serious this time? Well, for me I became serious when I started saying "I AM going to AA and I AM sober sober today because of AA." It showed in my actions. Again, look at your sober brother. How do you know he is sober today? Because it's obvious from what he does right?

Hope this helps.

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youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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Sober living houses or half way houses sound like the best route here. You can say that to him, find a half way house or sober living house and leave it at that. Keep coming. Take care of you :) You are worth it!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
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