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Oh my gosh. Things just got really really bad here. My AH just came home drunk and was yelling at me in regards to our dog. He says that I am not taking the dog when I move out, but legally, I am the one who adopted the dog and I plan on keeping him. He says that he is going to take the dog somewhere (like to a friend's house who i don't know) and then i will not be able to find him. I am having a million emotions. How seriously should I take this threat? How safe am I really staying here til the end of the week?
He has to work tomorrow from 9:30-3:30pm and I am feeling like I need to take the dog, take whatever is most important and get out of here and stay with a friend for the week (because I have to finish this week of work). I know that will add fuel to the fire, but I just do not know how safe I am here and if I can be sure that something will not happen to the dog while I am at work on Monday or Tuesday (because he has those days off and would have plenty of time to do something with him).
Oh dear, I'm so sorry this is happening. It does sound as if he's deep in the grip of alcoholic insanity. Our local animal shelter put out a news item recently that said that this often happens, that partners who are vindictive or abusive often target the pets when they can't target the person (or in addition to targeting the person). It sounds as if your AH realizes that you seriously are planning to leave and is trying in a dysfunctional and worrying way to get you to stay (i.e. to control you), and/or saying, "You'll regret it if you don't do what I want."
I don't know if your AH has ever been physically abusive or physically threatening, but if so, you absolutely need to take every precaution for your safety. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is http://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
If you haven't ever felt physically threatened, this is still a worrying development. If I were in your shoes, I would do as you are thinking and take the dog and your important things and leave while he is at work tomorrow. And when I went back to get the rest of my things, I would not under any circumstances go alone, even if he's not supposed to be there. In fact I'd go with a policeman if a poilceman would accompany me.
I hope there isn't any danger he'd go to your workplace and attack you? I see there were actually two murders by men who did this to women who had left them this week. It's terrifying. Please don't take any chances at all. You say you have to finish this week of work -- if he might come to your workplace, remember that you would be endangering yourself and the others at your work by continuing to work there.
The situation might not be as serious as I'm imagining, but his threats about the dog and your statement "I just do not know how safe I am here" make me worried. Much, much better safe than sorry.
Please take very good care of yourself and let us know how you are.
Dear Kay115, I agree that it is better to err or the side of safety.
If I were in your shoes (I have dealt with people who were), I would first check out the advice---which mattie gave you----online or talk to someone on the national domestic violence hotline. Then, I would get the dog to an unknown place---as well as yourself.
Of course, you know him better than we do, and you will have to be responsible for taking control of your safety (and your dog's), ultimately. Just be aware that this kind of situations have the potential to become very volitle---and can do so very quickly.
Come here and post as often as you wish. There is help----you are not alone.
In support, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 21st of August 2011 08:42:44 AM
My thoughts are with you, please be safe! If you can, I would take the dog to a trusted friend, maybe someone he does not know, take what you need for the rest of this week, and yes, stay away until you have someone to go with you to get the rest of your things. the boyfriend of someone I know put a knife to her dog's throat and threatened to kill the dog. it was a very bad situation and police were called. you do not want that to happen to you. Please be safe! Now more than ever you need to take care of you!!
Hey Everyone. Thank you all for your advice and tips on what to do. Things did turn around a lot last night, and I found out that although I thought I had sole ownership of the dog, apparently the shelter put his name on the paperwork as well and I did not realize it. This being said, he does probably have legal rights to the dog (esp. since they put down his last name as both of our last names and I never changed my name to that). So, to try and make things peaceful, I agreed to let him keep the dog because I know he loves the dog very much and would fight me to the bitter end for him. We also agreed for him to keep one cat, and I will keep the other two.
Things actually got quite good for a little bit as he sobered up and we talked and it almost seemed like we were going to have a semi-amicable split for now. But, I had called my parents during the night in regards to the dog issue very upset, and so when they tried to call me this morning and I didn't answer my phone (sleeping so deep I did not hear it), they called the police to come by and do a welfare check.
Now he is very angry and hurt that they would think he did something to me and such. So he wants me to leave today. So I am trying to arrange to stay with friends for the week and finish out work. I am a nanny, and the mother is desperately trying to find childcare because I have to leave on such short notice. My AH does not have a car, so getting to me would be very difficult, and I do not think he knows how to get there even if a friend tried to give him a ride. I appreciate you guys pointing out that possible danger tho.
This is all so heartbreaking and sad, and I am just ready to be out of here and back with my parents so I can feel safe and secure.
It's heartbreaking to read your story. It brings back memories when my ex-AH was not in recovery. Alcoholism changes a person. My ex is a really gentle, fairly thoughtful person WHEN not drinking.
I realize how difficult it is to do what you're doing. When I moved out 3 years ago, I didn't tell my ex until the day I moved. I was that concerned of his reactions. He used to say he was deeply hurt the way I did it; however, now that he has had some recovery time under his belt, he realizes how insane he would get.
I do hope all goes well for you. I hope you attend Al-Anon meetings or at least read the literature for now. Even though you will be living elsewhere, the effects of living with an alcoholic go with us. The program has a lot of offer. I hope you give it a good try.
Keep coming here if you feel the need.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
He will probably be angry when he finds out you're leaving, but it could be a wake up call for him too. I agree the best thing is to leave. You can't argue with a drunken person, because theres no sense with what they say. Chances are, he may not remember what he said, but then again he might, so be safe! And keep your pup safe too. The police will come along when you pick up your things, we did it with my dad, and it prevented a problem.
