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Hi all. I hope everyone is doing well tonight. I have a question about responding to outsider's comments. By that I mean people who kinda know me, but who I am not friendly with and know nothing about. they are aquaintances, neighbors, etc.
One guy is the one who works at the corner store. Way back when I was in denial, I walked in to buy something and he asked me how I was and I said fine. He asked how my husband was and I said fine. Then he said "you know, a nice young girl like you and you have your husband, he drinks he smokes (cigars) I don't understand it". I just laughed it off.
Then there is a disabled man who lives on our street who collects cans. My AH used to recycle the cans until he got sick of it, so he decided to help the fellow out by giving him the cans. Well today I see the man walking up the street and I tell my AH to come out and give him the cans. When I get back home, my AH says "I'm not giving him anything anymore, you know what he said to me...he said I drink a lot of beer!" I said "Sorry he said that to you". But I'm really not sorry he said that i just didn't know what to say at that moment.
I also have a very very good friend of mine who I have shared that my AH has a drinking problem. At one point she asked if this was something I thought he needed help with That was last year and I was still in denial. They used to come over all the time, but recently my friend has been making reference to her neighbors, who drink but want to be friendly with her, and she does not want her 3 and 7 year old around that because she doesn't think they need to be exposed to that kind of stuff. She and her husband used to drink socially 10+ years ago, and they both stopped because they would physically fight with each other. She has a drink with me about once a year, her husband used to drink with my AH when they would come over. I can't help but think the same comments she makes about her neighbors are also directed toward me. I love this friend dearly, but for some reason, I can't come out and ask her directly :(
In regards to the many people I might encounter on my journey, how have you responded to comments made about your A significant other.
a) the strangers,
b) your friends,
c) comments they make to your spouse but not to you (I know that is his problem to handle, not mine. thanks!) but what do you say to your significant other when he/she vents to you about it.
I like the saying what other people think of me is none of my business. I think that is totally applicable to strangers, as far as what kind of explication do you owe a stranger? You don't. You could be right seems appropriate to stop a stranger or friend. I think what you said to your A was great as far as he vented you heard, acknowledged and moved on. The friend thing either you ask her what she means our not, either way move forward in a positive direction for you.
Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I also like short responses that put an end to the conversation and don't leave the door open for more. "You might be right" is good. "I'm sorry to hear that," "Thank you for your concern," or the like. These are polite responses that don't give off the impression that I wish to engage in further discussion.
I used to feel the need to explain stuff to strangers that might comment. The more time I have in the program, the more I believe (and can act like I believe) that a stranger's comments/opinions are just that - THEIR comments and opinions that get to stay with them. I don't need to internalize them, to feel uncomfortable like I'm being judged (I ALWAYS felt this way), or to explain why I do whatever I do. It was hard at first but it gets easier with practice. This was one of those "fake it till you make it" things with me - I ACTED like I wasn't taking comments from other people personally for a while, and then realized down the line that I really WASN'T anymore.
Dear odalis, I have been in the same situation with/about my qualifiers. I agree with the others that a short "stock" answer that doesn't leave the door open for further discussions or explanations can cover a great many of these situations. Of course, some situations are stickier than others--I think, particularily when the person is a close friend or a part of your truly intimate circle. For me those situations become "scenario dependent" and I handle them as my heart and gut tell me for that situation. I think personal boundries come into play , here.
On this matter of others' opinions: I read something decades ago that has "stuck" with me---and proven to be true over the years: The surest sign of a strong self-esteem is, when meeting people, not to ask, first, what do they think about me--But, rather, what do I think about them?
Totally agree with pushka and the saying " what others think of me is none of my business" I live and die by that quote. My son is my current A, I have a ton most in recovery. But we ( my husband and I ) listened to alot of unsolicted comments and solutions from many people. We live in a small town and the fact our son is an addict is no secret. Pre alanon hearing comments or adivice I could go straight into depression mode. Most people's advice was to throw his ass out on the street.... is that bad advice? Not really, reality is he may end up there. Once I entered alanon I learned that most of the people I was listening to we actually unrecovered alanons, acoa, aca's. And they didn't walk in my shoes so why am I even entertaining the thought that these people know whats best for me. Is thier life perfect? they have no problems? If I was a fly on the wall inside thier homes what would I see? Secret drinking or drugging, abuse, unhappiness etc. No matter how perfect someone or a family looks on the outside no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. So if someone makes a comment about my son, I just agree and say yes he is a sick young man. That is true. If they are giving advice I turn it around a little and ask them if they would abandoned a sick loved one and if not then why would you suggest it to me? And sometimes I come straight out and tell them to come back and talk with me when they are walking in my shoes and lets see how they handle it. Most of our neighbors all of whom I like and have a good relationship with have confronted my son at one time or another. He doesn't listen to what us ( his parents ) think and he sure doesnt care what the neighbors think, I am sure it may hurt his feelings for a moment but in the grand scheme of his addiction it doesnt mean much. I no longer care at all what other people think, it's not thier life and if they have nothing better to do than try to fix my life that speaks volumes to me. Again i will say to go by the saying of "what other people think about me is none of my business" Blessings
Just adding to the wonderful stuff here. If your friend, if she is a close and dear friend, is trying to talk to you in a third party way, perhaps she wants to help/assist/talk to you, but doesn't know how. Perhaps sitting down for a convo with her and see what she has to say. Remeber to not take it personally, but with an open mind, see what she has to say to you. Then take what you like and leave the rest.
With "outsider" comments I have only a little experience...but the one I remember the most (I'll never forget it!) was from a coworker of my hubby when he was deep in his disease and spent a lot of time out of town for work, staying at hotels and working from there. Sometimes it would be a lot of them from work at the same hotel. Well, this coworker came up to me when we were traveling together (she came along with my kids and me to Europe- she was that good of a friend) and whe was embarassed, but she said, "you know, the spouse is the last to know.... your hubby in the hotels is playing around....." and I just nodded and kept my head down. I couldn't even meet her eyes. I looked away. I knew something was wrong with him but didn't know exactly any details.
After he was sober for a few years we went to a retreat together and then I asked him why she would say that to me? Was there some truth to it? He blew up and deflected. Who said it!!? When!? They were crazy!! And besides he fired her right after that time period because she wasn't doing her job and she was so needy!!!
And he never said, "No, I didn't do it." But he also never said "Yes, and I am sorry for it." So I am left wondering. And I am grateful for my friend for giving me the information about what they were seeing. I don't know what went on behind closed doors, but I am glad that someone was concerned about our marital vows and my physical health and let me in on the secret. Yes, I was tested for STD's. No, there weren't any. That is an important concern for speaking out.
As far as family, I always handled it with "You will have to talk to him." or just "thanks for your concerns." I am not into secrets, but I also don't want to gossip. Other people's business is other people's business, and that includes the alcoholic... and me. What other people say about me is none of my business....but what I think about me IS my business.
And Odalis, you have to be flattered that the storeworker and the man on the street think so highly of you!!! I think that is great. And they were willing to tell you that they think you are worth so much more. That would give me a good feeling.
