The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, not intellectually -- in my mind I totally got it. Give up the power. Let go and let God.
Half of it I have nailed. Solid as stone it fits in my soul like the last piece of an immense jigsaw puzzle. Click! True. My life has become unmanageable. That part is easy.
"Easy enough," I think, "I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic in my life." I then sit in silent contemplation, assessing my feelings. Did it stick? Dunno, not sure.
I say it out loud. I read the step verbatum from my big book out loud. No, it doesn't fit . . . yet. I can start to play the old trick where I begin to lie to myself to pretend to believe what I know is a lie. It doesn't work. I can feel the snag, like this concept is a sweater with the sleeve caught on a nail. Somewhere, in the back of my mind I haven't let go. Somewhere, in the recesses of my ego I sense that old, familiar nagging sick urge -- I can fix this (her). I want her to do what's healthy. I want her to do what's right.
Honesty Break: I want her to do what I want her to do.
I'm behaving like I've let go, but I haven't let go. I suppose I'm employing a phrase from my Al-Alon brother and sisters, "Fake it till ya make it."
So, I'll keep faking it, fine. But I won't resort to my old stand-by of lying to myself to believe what I know isn't true. I'm done with that. I'll fake it, but I'm not moving past step one until it's fake no more.
Anyone else stuck on step one? As I look to my left and right, there appears to be plenty of room on this staircase if anyone cares to join me while I sit and ponder.
Brian... I was on step one all year since I started going to alanon. I started one year ago here on July 30. My name was different then, I changed it after a while of being here to a different name for protection. Then I left here because I didn't think I even needed alanon, I didn't want to hear it anymore. THen I came back a couple months later... crawling back. Guess I really do need to be here. So I am working the steps with a sponsor now. So far, I am on step one... maybe looking at step two as an idea. Being Honest is step one. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I have to accept myself and love myself... Keep coming. We are all here with ya, every day, starting at step 1 all over again... We cannot control, change or cure anyone else... Take care of you :) HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I actually just posted in reply to another post the following:
I still struggle with this concept of alcoholism being a disease for my AFiance. While I am compassionate most of the time and understand it in general terms, sometimes my brain gets in the way and I think to myself that he should "get over it, get over himself" and "if he doesn't want to drink, then DON'T! Plain and simple."
I think there are two types of Al-Anoners.... Those who get hung up on step one for way too long, and liars. (smiling - it was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek joke!)
For me, a couple of "aha" moments....
One was in my counselor's office, I was having a particularly hard time with my then active AW, whose drinking had reached new levels.... I was bawling my eyes out, almost inconsolably so..... My counselor asked me gently "so, do you still think you can control your wife's drinking?", to which I sobbed "yes", and he smiled and asked "and how is that working out for you so far?" I laughed as hard as I was crying, as the lunacy of that fallacy of control was so evident to me at that moment...
The other one was from my wise old sponsor, who told me: "Tom, you have about as much control over your AW's drinking as you do the weather..... Can you control the weather? Of course not. But you CAN carry an umbrella, or put on sunscreen, etc., whatever is called for."
Al-Anon and my recovery are my umbrella and sunscreen.
The Three C's are absolute and correct, in my opinion. For them to be correct, we truly have to be powerless. Admitting we are powerless is a big step in OUR humility, that we need help, and cannot do this alone....
It's all good, and you sound very into your recovery.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Step one is a really big challenge. I understand what you mean about wondering if it stuck. Truth is, for me, it took some time. I did "fake it" for a while when I first got to al-anon but that later changed into reality. I think it was because when I realized how much my anxiety decreased when I stopped worrying about what my AH was doing I was so much happier. It was sooo strange. People from work even noticed a change in my ora. They kept saying "wow you look different today... you look happy." I had like 5+ random clients at work tell me that.
I began doing things I needed to get done and for some reason could not when my AH was around. Which was take the NCLEX, register for school, smile... LOL
Bottom line I wasn't worried when our next fight was going to be or whether or not he's gonna come home wasted and useless. Its SO hard to let go it took me almost 6 years to let him go and to start loving me again.
Give it time.. We are all here for you!
BTW I love the way your write ;)
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
I got to speak with my sponsor about step one today. My comment was the wonderful and frustrating thing about step one is we are constantly in motion in the first step throughout the day it never really stops even if we are working a different step. I have made a very conscious point of starting my day in step one and feeling free to just be in that step through out the day. Seriously how much control do we really have over people, places or things? I cant stop someone from cutting me off on the road. I can choose how I react to it. ;)
It feels good to know I have that power over me.
Hugs P ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ok, thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses; I think my perception of the process just shifted a little. It's still the same process, but I'm looking at it from a few inches over to the left.
I was hesitant (such a nice word for scared) to even think about moving past step one until I was SURE - rock solid, locked down, 100% sure - that I had it neatly and completely wrapped up and packaged like a little present, frilly bow and all.
I guess I was thinking each step is behind me, done and in the past and unreachable once I dare venture to the next. Not so, perhaps. I don't know why I was approaching it from that standpoint, but I was. That approach seems rather silly and limiting.
It's more like. . . (bear with me, I think in analogies)
Each step is a giant landing (taken from your mezzanine, Linda, thanks), with its lessons presented in limitless fashion - pick and chose one that makes sense personally, and carry it with you upward and onward as we're ready. But, we're always able to stroll back down and swap out or pick up another lesson from an earlier step if, as we grow, the original lesson doesn't seem to fit or work just right. . .
Yea, I like that better. It feels better, and somehow makes more sense.
Thanks again, everyone. This good stuff is why I like it here.
Everything always comes back to Step One. I believe it, accept it, and work it. I have said many times in the past that I am powerless over alcohol but I "will not" allow it to make my life unmanageable. I held that to be true. But I was wrong. I was only thinking in the contex of my AW. Because three months ago on a Monday morning I got a call telling me that a dear friend of mine (my supplier in my business for 15 years) had been hit head on his motorcycle by a drunk driver at 8:30 AM on Sunday morning. He was in critical condition. I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable in the blink of an eye.
I no longer say I will not allow alcohol to make my life unmanageable, no more Step One with a "twist"........I am plain and simply powerless. The three C's of course. Never forgetting this is a cunning, powerful, baffling, and sometimes fatal disease.
With thanks to HP and prayers from members of MIP my friend has made a full recovery.
Easy does it, Brian! The Steps take practice, practice, practice. I have worked the steps over and over. We are confronted with different situations all of the time. Therefore, we will always need the steps as part of our lifestyle. Hang on. Hawaii
I love your analogies and honesty! I am working the steps with my sponsor which is much better than when I was trying to do them alone. And of course, once I accepted HP can manage it better than I, and I actually let go of control and put it in HPs hands, things really got easier. Don't rush it until you can accept it. Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Best visual I have ever seen about power: movie about plane crash aftermath, woman devastated over loss of her baby whom she'd held in her arms as the plane crashed and he was torn from her grip and taken from her. She kept saying "if only I'd held on tighter....." type of stuff. Guy trying to help the woman deal with her grief, had her hold onto a tool box as tightly as she could while he crashed a car into a wall - to show her that NO amount of holding was going to stop what had happened, there was NOTHING she could have done to stop the death of her child.
Step One freed me when I realized that I was powerless over the A in my life - there is nothing I can ever do to get him to stop drinking and face his disease. What a weight lifted from my shoulders!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
