The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How did I get here? I've been married to the same man for 33 years. He's been depressed and in treatment for about 15 and many times he self medicates with alcohol. I'm sure you've all seen the behavior, stumbling, mumbling,nasty drunk. I've tried to make excuses because of his mental illness but what's finally getting me is his infidelity. This isn't the first time but I just can't take it any more. A couple years ago he recommitted himself to me and our marriage and I took a good look at myself and stepped up to the plate and tried to be a loving, caring, attentive spouse. We were really having fun together.
I really thought this was it and that we would be one of those older loving couples and then he started again. Ads in the paper looking for women and then he met one. A former prostitute, an actress who likes to have sex all night long and he describes meeting her as falling head over heels in love. He thought my new attitude in our marriage was 'an act' and that was his excuse for looking elsewhere. I told him to go, maybe this is the person he's meant to be with at this point in his life. I was sincere in telling him that but he decided that he wants to be with me and wants to go to counciling. Of course the drinking goes on, he refuses to go to AA, even on line. His doctor keeps recommending he go but he refuses in a sullen uncaring way. I just can't stand it, always waiting for the other shoe to fall.
What do I do? I'm not sure I even want him in my life anymore, yet he's barely working and needs to get a job before he can go and of course he refuses to even look for one. I'm at the end of the trail and I can't find my way through.
Dear Lindsayglu, Please run---don't walk to the closest alanon meeting. Also if you can find a counselor/therapist who is versed in alcoholism in addition, would be of help. You need all of the support you can garner at this time.
Your life should be based on your decisions---not his.
By the way, not having a job/or looking for one is not necessarily a requirement for you to endure. There are many people living in shelters that do not have a job. There is help for himself if he were to choose it.
I don't mean to sound insensitive, but life is short and you deserve to be first in your own life.
HI I was thinking the same as Otie voiced but I did not feel qualified enough to say it. His lack of a job is not your problem.
Its your decision to go or stay. He will survive. There is never a 'good time' for these things to happen, there will always be something. Maybe he needs to go before he can get a job???? as opposed to he needs to get a job before he goes????
If you want to go, then do it the best way for you, if you want to stay, then I recommend learning more from the people on this board. I know they have helped me in the past couple of weeks.
Although infidelity hurts, thats sometimes one of the issues that acompany's addiction, depression, etc. A lot of alcoholics are duel diagnosis, my X , diagnosed alcoholic and depressed. Who knows what comes first. Does it matter?
We as the spouses or family members of addicts are left with all the fall out from this disease.
We automatically think we have to endure! We dont think we have choices. We love them and we want to help. Of course alcoholics are great at manipulating and pointing the finger at everyone else.
Keep with this program for all its worth, it will be your saving grace. There is nothing that we can do for the alcoholic. They have to want to!
You have choices, you can recover from all this chaos!! I encourage you to stick with the board and also come to a face to face Alanon meeting. You wont regret it.
Hugs, Bettina
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 14th of August 2011 07:04:34 PM
You have already received some great ESH. Please keep coming back, it makes a huge difference. I know it has for me. Your health and sanity is way more important than your A's behavior at this point. Putting the focus back on me made me see how much I needed help and it helps me make good decisions that are not clouded in fog.
Hugs, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do so hope you will consider attending a face to face alanon meeting. I think you will find members there that understand your problems as few others do. If you keep an open mind you will find help and your answers will come.
I am so glad you are here. Welcome to this wonderful board. Keep coming back.
Thank you all so much for your kind words of support.
We just went to my first session with a marriage councilor. She seems very good and recommended alanon. He's still refusing AA, now 2 councilors have told him and I've asked but to no avail.
I don't want to be this person, checking up on him, acting like his mother to keep him in check. I'm 58 but I plan to be around for a long time and I want to be happy and open about my life. I'm proud of who I am but feel pulled down by this weight on my shoulders and I'm ready to throw it off.
Tomorrow night there's a meeting in my town. I'm a little nervous to go so thanks again for your words of encouragement, I'll report back here after the meeting.
