The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What they're feeling is fear. That awareness came from a long program journey plus working as a counselor in a large Rehab Hospital and working with Alternatives to Violence men. Lying or avoiding the truth comes from the fear of being found out and/or wanting to take the pressure off by not measuring up to expectations. Doing a "searching and fearless moral inventory of myself" taught me alot. Why did I lie? One of the other reasons I lied was the pain of the consequences of what the truth might hold for me. I come from a an abusive childhood so telling the truth would result in anywhere from a tongue lashing to ear pulling to belts, wooden or wire hanger whippings or more. It was tough. I also learned to lie to bolster my self esteem and to try to fit in with others. I didn't like that but I feared "being less than" also.
Fear is one of the emotions always found in alcoholism...other places too and AA recognizes it as the greatest emotional defect. Why are they lying - What are they feeling? (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, I've noticed that since I stopped asking questions -¨Have you been drinking?¨, ¨Did you buy liquor when you were in town?¨ etc. the lies have become less. And that fits into what you said - fear of the consequences, of being found out. But what I still don't get is the lying about small, insignificant things where the truth should be nothing to cause fear. But I guess that's all part of the disease. Thanks as always for4 sharing.
The only thing I wanted to add is I"m a big advocate on the lies being used as deflection and it's usually in my A's case my reaction to a specific situation even if it's a small one. That's the crazy part about the lying is it they lie to everyone over everything!! Yup, Jerry my friend I can see it used out of fear as well :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
From my experiences, this is true. My ex-AH and I have talked several times about his lying while still married (and drinking). He, too, says he did a lot of lying to me out of fear and not wanting to face reality.
He lied about little insignificant things too. The lying, I recall quite well, almost drove me over the edge many times.
Thanks Jerry for bringing this to our attention.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
That's very true Jerry. I found that when my ex-abf would start being emotionally abusive I would lie. Why? Because I was afraid I wouldn't live up to his expectations, that he would leave me, that he would be angry with me, and finally at the end for attention. There was so much fear and pain inside me I didn't want to face reality.
I love it Jerry. I too was one of those that lied for approval because I wanted people to like me. Alanon changed that completely. After the 4th step inventory guess what, I lost quite a few friends. No longer was seeking approval outside myself in people, places and things.
On the back of our birthday chips it says, "To thine own self be true" Alanon has helped me to uncover, discover, and discard the many layers of me that were not authentic. My HP has replaced those old friends with ones that are as valuable as gold.
Thank you for your post today Jerry. It was such a reflection of who I was when I was new in the program.
Yep Yep & Yep... I Was indeed that Soul You Spoke of, I to Lied alot to cover my fear... And In my early Alcohol days I did it to Fit in with all the Other Alcoholics... Yes I had BIG Goals when I lived in that Haze... Fear Drove me around A Larger part of my life, and to Own that means something to me now! Most of My Lies was tho to myself, and I am still Trying to find the Truth in some of those... I think I did it so often that it is harder to find all the truth do to all the covering up I did! and I have to say... I was A Pro...
Thank Goodness this Program allows me to Come Clean with Me & Others, in order to Live the Life I always Wanted... Free of Fear, or at least... Now I can live Free of Lie's, (how ever I think ALOT of those I help enable don't like this, they would rather I lie) I'm sure the fear will come & go, but the Lies I can now Control! Because I chose when I Started this to be True to Myself, and that is where the differance bagan...
Thank you always for sharing your Wisdom, You would not believe the Gift You Give in Doing so...
I'm sure the fear will come & go, but the Lies I can now Control! Because I chose when I Started this to be True to Myself, and that is where the differance bagan... 
