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I am new to this site. My OH is a high functioning alcoholic. we have been together for the last 14 years and married for 6. I've known it's been a problem for about the last 8 years.
he is a very good husband in lots of ways. he is thoughtful and kind and generous. he has a high powered job and to the outside worrld just looks like a real high flyer. to the outside world our relationship looks perfect too.
we've been through a lot togehter, family bereavement, family arguments, infertility and IVF. throughout all of these things my husband has chosen to deal with the stresses they have brought by drinking. he drinks in the house but also secretly drinks a lot too. i know because i have found empty bottles on several occassions.
we have argued several times about his drinkiing. he has admitted to me it is a problem, one time a couple of years ago he did go to counselling though his drinking continued throughout. he finds it really hard to relax and since the age of about 15 he has used alcohol to do this. his estanged father was an alcoholic too.
he's now saying he's going to go and get help again. i really want him to and it makes me so sad to think about the life we could have if he would do this. however, already he's making comments like 'i'll go if that's what you want me to do' i've told him that i do want him to but that he needs to go because he wants to otherwise it wont work and he'll just be resentful of me.
when he doesn't drink he is highly critical of me and likes to point out all of my shortcomings. i've tried to explain to him that some of the things he says are inter-linked and a lot of the things he says i don't do are a result of years of this hurt and betrayal. when he does drink this can also lead to him saying nasty comments. the next day he can't remember and wonders why i am sleeping in the next room
he drank up until the day of our IVF treatment, i only found out the day before when i found some bottles. I know deep down i should have made a stand and not gone through with it. it was unsuccessful. now we're at a point where i'm saying i wont do IVF again. we're both really sad about where things are and don't have any focus for the future. we've been arguing lots and i just don't know what to do.
i really love my husband but i hate his drinking and fear that it will lead to the end of our relationship.
Hi Sarah and welcome. Congratulations for reaching out here and sharing your story. It sounds so much like my experience that I got chills when I read it. You are not alone and the amazing thing about Al-Anon is discovering that first hand by sharing and listening to others who also love an alcoholic. I too have an amazing husband who destroys himself by drinking (for 8 years, too) and have found bottles in every single room of my house and even in different bushes around our yard. It was like finding a corpse for me each time I found one--I was horrified at the reality and it was when I realized, he was actually an alcoholic, not just someone with a "drinking problem." I also struggled to maintain a look of perfection to all the outside world and my family. It blew up when he got a DWI and it was all over the newspaper (and I live in a TINY town with a close-knit community). I had to face reality. My life was FAR from perfect and I was going insane.
When I turned to Al-Anon, I was seriously a husk of a person...I did not think I was looking for a way to fix the alcoholic, rather I wanted someone to tell me that I should leave him. I really wanted to hear that. But no one gave advice, just offered support and really, I needed that more than I knew at the time. Once my flood gates opened WOAH!! Had I been bottling up a lot of sadness, frustration, rage, and resentment. I realized I needed some healing and that is what I have been focusing on--because I have no control over my AH. He is fighting his own battle in his own way and it is tough to watch. We love each other deeply, but are also not sure where our relationship is headed and it has almost been a year since the DWI. It is a heavy, sad realization that my dream of having a real family is probably not a reality.
Can you find an Al-Anon meeting to go to? It changed my life and although it took a few meetings for me to understand, I started going 4 days a week because it was my sanctuary. I am grateful for the tools I have learned to change myself for the better and the friends I have made.
You are in the right place! You have taken a step to share . HUGE hugs to you and wishing you some peace!
You're in the right place. Attend local Alanon meetings, read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. Going through this with the support of others who understand helps give validation and different perspectives. Also, Alanon gives us tools to help deal with the insanity and put us on a path of serenity, regardless if your husband drinks or not, regardless if you stay with him or not. Establishing boundaries and keeping the focus on ourselves helps us realize that we have choices, sometimes ones we haven't been able to previously consider.
Your husband will need to choose if he wants recovery on his own. Their disease without recovery is progressive and infiltrates their mind, body, and spirit. Forcing and ultimatums generally do not work. Trying to explain things to an active alcoholic generally does not work either.
Just like the previous posters have said, the best you can do is do the best for you. That means focusing on you and allowing your AH to deal with his own issues. Easy to say and hard to do. Go to a local alanon meeting and start your own healing process it's really a big thing. :)
3 C's - You did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you will not cure it! You can only control is yourself and your own healing. :) Hugs and it does get better.
You are not alone and you are worth the work,
hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The alanon program of spirituality can help you through. We can only live in today and deal with today. Keep coming :) The books Getting Them Sober, One day at a time in alanon and Courage to change have all helped me...
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi Sarah~Lately I am accused of being stubborn, cold, and without unconditional love for my spouse of 20 years. If I were less strong I would get all mixed up and confused, and maybe think I'm a bad person. She has been trying for just a couple weeks, and she thinks I can snap out of my detachment and trust her. No way. I don't know if I will ever trust her again. I'm trying to accept the things I can't change. Maybe that's making me stronger and healthier, but she hates it! Addiction is such a complicated disease and people can't understand it who do not experience some part of it. I know the board is helping until I can get to F2F meetings. I appreciate everyone here, helping in so many ways. Lyne
Hi everyone, thank you so much for the messages. I can't tell you (and i'm sure you know from your own experiences) how much it means to hear from people who who truly understand.
My husband says i give him no support whatsoever. This really hurts me as I know that I have spent hours and hours with him talking through things that are on his mind about work/family etc. he says i don't do anything to plan for our future. I do make plans but to be honest, when i look into our future it scares me. maybe that's why i don't do as much as i could?
he says I am a closed book and he has to drag things out of me. I suppose i can be but am just starting to realise how much his alcohol abuse has affected me. i feel like i've spent so much time internalizing my own feelings in order to put up with his alcohol use. Sookie what you said is so true about feeling like you're finding a corpse every time you find a bottle. i think because my husband is on the whole a happy drunk and doesn't often behave 'drunk' i have got myself into a false sense of security so many times thinking it's not as bad as i thought and maybe it's under control. his favourite trick is to fill a sports water bottle with vodka. i hate finding empty bottles, removing the cap and praying i don't smell alcohol.
i'm really not sure how he manages to secretly drink so much but worry that he maybe drink drives. after our failed IVF round he had to drive back to work. he crashed the car into an unmarked police car of all things. luckily he passed the breathalyser. there was a part of me though who almost wanted him to fail, just for him to have some kind of shock to the system.
i'm so worried about his health too. he's put on weight and always looks flushed. he's been to the doctors with various symptoms, the last being loss of appetite, nausea in the morning and sometimes being sick in the morning, he also had a spate of nose bleeds. I can't help but think every ailment is linked to his alcohol abuse. it terrifies me that he might not realise what he's doing to himself before he's damaged himself beyond repair. I have told him this, but obviously his compunction to drink is too powerful and he can't stop.
i'm worried now as he says that his goals about drinking are not the same as mine. he wants to learn how to drink socially and do controlled drinking. I could just scream at him (but i know that's not the right thing to do) Why can he not see after almost 15 years (his own admission) of abusing alcohol and not being able to control his intake that this just wont work. If he really thought he could do that would he not have done it throughout our treatment?
sorry for such a long reply. it does feel good to get it all out. I hope in time I can be a listening ear for others more too.
